No cage can hold a song

could I be that bird
unaffected by its cage
filled with singing hope

Author's Note

How is the grammar? What is the grammar problem? Did you think its was easily understood? Could i had done better? Please Rate 1 till 10

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

A spot-on 5/7/5 Japanese Senryu with excellent imagery!
Grammar: 8 (placing of "?")
Ease of understanding: 10
Could I have done better?: 7 (Follow the basic rules for this form; see below):
Typically, many write this form (and, the similar Haiku form) without following its rules, but I've included them here in case you might like to.

The Senryu is an unrhymed Japanese poem recording the essence of a moment.
Of human theme, it's often humorous (but, can be about anything), composed in three lines of 5/7/5 syllables, completely without punctuation or capitalization. Each line of the Senryu must stand alone as its own statement, without enjambment; though, it should not stray too far from the ambiance in its other lines, nor from the moment or topic of the poem itself.
Syntactic-flow: 8 (see L3 below).
(typical)
Could I be that bird,
unaffected by its cage,
filled with singing hope?
(correct:
could I be that bird
unaffected by its cage
filled with singing hope

I very much like how you've posed such intricate questions in a mere seventeen syllables.
Thank you, Snow, for sharing your enjoyable penmanship! ⁓ Richard🖌

[Marie]

I feel a great desire for freedom in this finely penned poem. We create our own prisons and don't seem to realise that the key to freedom is in our own hands, unless we threw it away. Very nice work. I enjoyed reading...

[Snow_]

Ahh thanks i was trying out a new poem. I like this idea....

[Snow_]

I will use that idea...Its about my suicidal thoughts....How i will rise....I would prob post today not sure when it would be in your time

[Marie]

Thank you Snow...

[Dave W.]

Not bad at all, desire for freedom reflected, great haiku.

[Brandy]

Soft words of beauty cannot be caged, because the melody moves freely.

This is so beautifully written and presented.

[Snow_]

Ahh thanks

[Brandy]

: ) You're very welcome, Snow.

[emmajoygreen]

Personally I like the read-aloud sound of your poem, your meter count is song-like, the words themselves understood and no - you couldn't have done better. It has a heart.. so, for me, this is perfect. Why criticise for the sake of it!.

[Snow_]

Plss do not blame them. It was because i changed it 4 times already. I think this iteration looks infinitely better.

[Snow_]

Sorry I can not look to your profile. I am underaged but your poetry is for mature. Can not critique.

[emmajoygreen]

It's fine. Thank you telling me. :)

[Snow_]

Okay after reading a message they probably were(criticizing for the sake of it) or they do not know grammar, thanks

[emmajoygreen]

Take care of yourself, keep writing always, be happy - always. :)

[Snow_]

Thanks a lot

[emmajoygreen]

Missed a rating: 10.

[Snow_]

Thank you for you rating

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

first, loved the title. although, you could rewrite it as "No cage [can] contain songs."
"Could" refers to the past, which means that in the future it might be possible to contain a song in a cage!
If you use "can" in this sentence, it will mean "a cage never contained songs in the past, and will not do so in the future." I think that's what you wanted to say.
the poem itself is excellent. it uses symbolism effectively. I too want to be like that bird. as for grammar, you should put "?" at the very end; after "hope".
English grammar is very hard but you are quite a poet. I enjoyed reading this. it made me think how I should live my life. it made me feel like there is hope; that i can find happiness wherever i am.
I'm giving you a score of 70. but this is not because of the grammar errors. it's only because i prefer poems that are longer (remember, this is just my personal opinion).

[Snow_]

If i say can i be that bird? would it do something good?

[Tumi]

A beautiful HAIKU 5-7-5,
well written

[Snow_]

Thank you for your review.