Imaginary -Chapter 1-

Imagine you’re this woman who was living an ordinary life. Always caring, never hurt anyone in your lifetime. One day while you lie asleep in your bed, you heard a noise coming from within your house.

-Chapter 1-
Everyday Life

The dawn of morning ember greets me with its sunlight peeking through the oaken trees into my bedroom. It is as if Mother Nature was kindly telling me that it is time to awake. I arose from my bed, I glanced swiftly at my clock hanging on the wall; it wasn't even a minute past six. The house was dead quiet, and a gentle draft swept through the halls, passing the many bedrooms, all of which had been empty for many years.

So I head to my closet and I put on my white silk blouse along with my black pressed jeans. I grabbed my tan leathered coat and I proceeded to go downstairs where Scarlet greeted me. Scarlet is my retriever; she is only nine yet she still acts like a pup from time-to-time. She can be so hyper in the morning; in fact she kind of reminds me a lot of myself when I was a child.

 

I walk to the kitchen counter to where I saw my brush sitting on my T.S. Elliot poetry collection. I grabbed my brush and my book off my kitchen counter; I pressed the brush to my head as I stroke it downward brushing softly my silky long dark hair. I just finish putting on my make-up as I proceeded out the front door with Scarlet by my side. I continued my way to my garden outside, near the angel statue, a bench to where I sat.

I must have read for hours for the time was now nine. I had just finished reading “A Road Not Taken” when I was greeted by my good friend Rachael as she was heading off to the West Side Diner. Rachael and I have been good friends since we were in high school; she’s my baby sister. We’ve always gone to the West Side Diner together every morning; it was part of our daily routine. We’ve always walked there together. I know sure with the money I have, we could drive there or arrive there in a limousine, but that’s just not us; we've always been old fashion, I guess.

“Hey Rose!” Rachael called out for me from the other side of the fence.

Rose has always been my nickname since as long as we've been friends. “Oh hey Rachael, come on in the gates’ unlocked.” I replied as she entered the garden through the gate with great anticipation; she was greeted by Scarlet who tries to jump up onto her. She pets Scarlet, showing her some gentle love. Rachael looks up at me sitting here on the bench, with joyous spark in her eyes as in mine. We then begin to talk.

“I hope you’re having a good morning?” said Rachael.

“Oh, I am.” I replied as I gave a slight giggle.

“Are you ready to go?” she asks me as I had put my book into my bag.

“Sure, let’s go.” I said as I gave a friendly nod right when I put my tan leathered bag over my right shoulder. I got up to join Rachael's walk out through the gate; when I turn around to lock up, I notice Scarlet giving me those sad eyes again.

Joining Rachael, we proceed to walk. I notice a white delivery van driving past us. I turned my head to see where it was heading but it didn’t go too far; instead it had parked across the street from my house. I thought nothing of it, perhaps just dropping off a package for me or someone else. Rachael and I continue to talk as we were walking to the subway. We were laughing with joyous jest as we were having the time of our lives, like always. People would say how Rachael and I are like sisters whenever we get together. We hardly fought or show remorse towards one another. Well, I guess I could say that she's the only family I got.

 

Finally arriving at the diner, we sat down at our normal seat by the bay window facing the Statue of Liberty. Like always, Rachael and I ordered the bacon, eggs and hash brown meal with coffee. While we were eating, Rachael began telling me about her new job at Early Life Preschool. She carried on telling me that in a year she’d be able to work at an elementary school teaching English. That was a dream Rachael always wanted. But with me, with the fortunes my family had left me, I didn’t really have to work. But when I do work, I work managing my Antiques and Books store.

 

Rachael and I hugged as we departed separately; she went to her new job just five blocks from where we were at, I went to mine. As I went my way I turn my head toward Rachael, she had just got into a cab and was heading north; I continued southward. Arriving at my store; I reach into my pocket, I grab my keys. I move my hand inward as I unlock the doors to my store.  I have been working for two hours shelving my new books, I heard a voice, that of a man.

 

“Excuse me miss?” he called out. Slowly I turned, responding to the deep voice. The man it belonged to was very handsome, tall with broad shoulders, his eyes was that of the ocean blue. He had to at lease be in his thirties, no later.

As my eyes wandered down I noticed a small child, merely four years of age. Shy little thing she was, seeing her hiding behind her father’s legs. She had the cutest dark curly locks; her eyes were that of her fathers, she looks just like me when I was her age.

“Can I help you?” I ask in response.

He asks me if I could help him find, 20,000 Leagues under the Sea by Jules Verne. I went on to show him where that book was, we began to talk. He told me his name is Thomas and his daughter’s name is Emma and that he lost his wife when Emma was born four years ago. As we continue talking, he offered to take me out that night. Nervous and stuttering, I gladly accepted his dinner offer. After he had left with his daughter, I called up Rachael right away and told her everything. She was ecstatic to hear that I would be going on my first date in many years.

 

Later that evening while I was finishing getting ready, I heard the doorbell followed by a knock. “Was that him?” I said to myself nervous and afraid.

“Be right down!” I said as I grabbed the balusters and proceeded down stairs. With great uncertainty, I reach for the door and as I open it; standing there was Thomas with a bouquet of red roses.

While fretfully he said, “I do hope roses are your favorite?”

In response I nodded and said, “They are utmost beautiful, they are in fact my favorite.” After looking downward at the roses, I gaze up into his beautiful blue eyes as I thank him for the flowers. He extended his hand outward towards me, with a slight smile on his face. With his voice deep as it is, he asks if I was ready to go. I nod my head as I grab my coat off the coat rack by the door. I turn ever-so-slightly to lock up. His hand still extended towards me, I place my hand ever-so-gently into his as we proceeded to his car. Being the gentleman he is, he opened the door for me. We went on our way to the Flaming Flamingo.

 

As we arrive there, we got out of his car and continue our way inside where we were guided to our table. We were laughing and talking, just having a wonderful time as we ate. He had a steak medium rare; his drink of choice, a glass of wine. I had the poached fish with a side of salad and a glass of water. As we finished our meal, we were still talking and just enjoying our time together. Across the street from us was Central Park. We decided to leave the restaurant and take a stroll through the park. The moon was full and was at its highest; we continued our walk through a garden. He was telling me that he was once in the military, but was given an honorable discharge after getting shot in his right leg six years ago. He told me he was a corporal.  I was telling him how I lost my family when I was a child. We proceed to swap stories until arriving at my front door. We continued on for a good five minutes. My heart pounding as he stares into my eyes, he moves slowly closer to my lips and gently pressed his lips onto mine; he had kissed me.

“Until tomorrow?” he said with calmness in his voice.

I nodded in response, “Until tomorrow.”

 

The time is late and I carried myself up the stairs. I proceeded onto my room where I undressed to slip on to something more comfortable to sleep in. It was now a minute past midnight, I gently got into my bed anxious to tell Rachael about my night. I was too excited that I could not sleep, so I grab my T.S. Elliot poetry collection and began to read a little before falling asleep.

 

“CRASH!” I sat bolt upright in bed, my T.S. Elliot poetry book tumbling to the floor. The clock on my table read 2:37am. What in the world was that?

Author's Note

***Imagine you’re this woman who was living an ordinary life. Always caring, never hurt anyone in your lifetime. One day while you lie asleep in your bed, you heard a noise coming from within your house. Could it be your dog knocking stuff over again? That’s when you get out of bed and take a look and see. But what you saw would be the very last thing you’d ever see, will alive anyways. You were just living your own life when your life was stolen from you, for what? What else money. Now you’re dead yet you cannot rest until your killers are found but the thing is, the only one who could see you now is a little girl not an age past five. This is what happened to Serenity, a woman who lost her life over money. Now this little girl is Serenity’s last hope but the thing is, her single father thinks that Serenity is her imaginary friend. What would you do if the only person you must rely on is but a kid, and the only way for your spirit to be at peace is through her?***



This is actually a book that I'm working on but the thing is, I've never written a book before. So I decided to upload what all I have so far and get some help and advice from you guys on trying to make it better.... So that's why I ask, "Is this a good start for a book and is there anything that I should fix or correct with this?

Reviews

[Brytt]

You said "Is this a good start for a book and is there anything that I should fix or correct with this?"

The idea is wonderful. Execution, however, you could use a few tips on.

#1 Punctuation is important. Check your commas, periods, and paragraphs. Remember, stories are nothing like poems; these items take much more structure. Each line of dialogue should be it's own paragraph. Commas are used where a speaker would normally pause (a rule of thumb, when in doubt).

#2 Double check your spelling/word use. This is where it's similar to poetry. Word use is very important to convey not just images but smells, emotions, and sounds. Keep the description that you use in your poems.

#3 Keep the flow. Not just in the story, but as you write it. Don't worry about the grammar or revisions. Go with the flow (which you did here!) and edit later. Maybe send the work to a few other people on here for tips and ideas when you finish a chapter, but before you post it.

Overall, though, amazing for someone with little novel experience!

[Violeta]

The last sentence I realize you want to make a cliffhanger. Perhaps you could word it differently? For example, instead of "It was now two o’clock in the morning as I was sound asleep with my book open on my chest. Suddenly there it was, “CRASH!", you could word it as this: "CRASH! I sat bolt upright in bed, my T.S. Elliot poetry book tumbling to the floor. The clock on my table read 2:00am. What in the world was that?" Also, make sure to create a new paragraph every time someone new speaks, you'll notice that in most books it is set up that way. It makes it a little less confusing to read, I had to go back a couple of times to make sure it was so and so talking. Other than that, this has very good potential and I can't wait to see what comes next! Well done :)

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

Nice chapter, but there are some grammar errors:

When a new person talks, you must start a new paragraph. For example,
“Until tomorrow?” he said with calmness in his voice.
I nodded in response, “Until tomorrow.”

Also, book titles have to be underlined.

Hope I helped.

[~Blue Fantasy~]

I like this this story!! It sounds full of mystery and very suspenseful!! I only noticed a few things....but I am no professional!
Give more description on the part where she is a the library.
I thought ok wait a minute where is Rose and how did she just get there.
I was clear on Rachel leaving the diner and going to her preschool job, but not Rose.
Give more description on the kiss...I'm a sucker for romance!


"My heart pounding as he stares into my eyes, he moves slowly closer to my lips and gently pressed his lips onto mine." Maybe something like that??

I hope maybe this helped you some? I really hope you move forward with this book....I think is will be Awesome!!!!!!
I want to read more...so please send me some more when you write more.
Thanks

[Dahlia Phoenix]

The first chapter...f****n' amazing.

Your way of writing and the progression through the plot was brilliant. Rose is a sweet woman with a good heart while her friend Rachael is someone who wants to bring life to her since that's the only family member she has.

Also, the last part kind of reminds me of a horror scene when you hear the noise and then the main character stands up flickering a candle. I don't know, imagery comes to me.

Either way, bring us more! ლ(�™�益�™�ლ)

[Brytt]

It is as if Mother Nature was kindly telling me that it is time to awake."
- remove the "

Throughout: double chech past or present tense. If it's now, present; if no longer, past.

So hyper in the morning in fact she reminds me a lot of myself when I was a child.
- sentence fragment

We’ve always gone to the West Side Diner together every morning; it was part of our daily routine. We've always walked there together.
- Redundent

"Oh hey Rachael, come on in the gates’ unlocked." I replied as she entered the garden through the gate with great anticipation;
- "the gate is" = "the gate's"

Joining Rachael, we proceed to walk.
- Rachael can't join herself.

We were laughing with joyous jest...
- Beautiful. Hey, look, a compliment! Yes, I can give them.

But with me, with the fortunes my family had left me, I didn’t really have to work. But when I do work, I work managing my Antiques and Books store.
- redundent; "work" and "but" should be toyed with

I heard a male voice calling for me. “Excuse me miss?” he called out.
- Redundent

As I turned around, that’s when I notice a handsome man appeared to be in his early thirties...
- remove "that's when" and add "who" between "man" and "appeared"

The child was that of a little girl, who got to of been at least four years old.
- say outloud

(Actually, read the whole thing outloud; you'd be surprised what you catch! I did this today, and caught like three or four things on one page.)

This is getting clearer and cleaner, but you still need work. The story is shaping up to be grand, indeed!

Out of curiosity, do you have written character designs? Or do you "just go with it"?

[Kenneth The Poet]

Not bad, I figured this story would be more drawn but I like it thus far. I await the next installment.

[Demi Rose]

a wonderful chapter.

[Imagination-mage]

why're you so good?

[_]

Oh yay, I get a golden retriever. :D An active imagnation is happy thing. Anyway this was really an interesting read wow this was awsome. Can't wait for the next chapter!!

[Victorious]

You should revise this sentence. It's a little of a mouth full.

"It is the dawn of morning ember, as I am greeted by the sunlight, peeking through the oaken trees, into my bedroom, to where I laid, as if Mother Nature was kindly telling that it is time for me to wake up."

Maybe something like "The dawn of morning ember greets me with its sunlight peeking through the oaken trees into my bedroom. It is as if Mother Nature was kindle telling me that it is time to awake." or something like that although, "dawn of morning" and "mother nature waking you up" is a bit repetitive. Either something needs to be deleted or revised.

This is a run on sentence:

"I had never gotten used to it, if only there was someone else here, someone to love then perhaps I wouldn't feel so lonely every morning."

In paragraph one, I feel could have been used for revealing more of the character. She wants a lover. Would she have liked kids? Why has those halls been empty? Does she have trouble finding a nice lover?

Revise this. You don't want to have too many passive sentences in your book. Instead of saying "I was greeted" say "Scarlet greeted me" taking the "was" out. However, this is merely suggestion.

Revise this as well because it is a bit awkward:

"Scarlet is only nine yet she still acts like a pup, so hyper in the morning yet in fact she reminds me a lot of myself when I was a child."


"I grabbed my coat and I proceeded to go downstairs to where I was greeted by my retriever Scarlet."

This is a bit of a run-on or it just doesn't flow very nicely. Where the semicolon is, delete that.

"I know sure we could drive there or arrive there in a limousine, but that's just not us; we've always been old fashion, I guess."

Paragraph 5 could used more for character building as well. Maybe it might be self explanatory why her nickname is Rose, but not to others. Present that. Connect it to the garden or something.

Place a apostrophe behind the "e" in "gates" or put "gates are"

"Oh hey Rachael, come on in the gates unlocked."

The word "anticipation" is misused. When you anticipate something you are usually anxiously waiting for something. Here, it seems this a casual greeting, therefore, the word seems a little out of place.

This sentence should be revised as well. Add an s behind pet because subject verb agreement. She is a singular noun, therefore, "pet" has to have an s behind it. The word "loving" is not necessary. Change it to "love"

"She pet Scarlet, showing her some gentle loving"

Also, you might want to separate the person speaking. When another person talks, you break it off into another paragraph.

This is also a run-on. Add a period where the comma is between "mine" and "we"

"Rachael looks up at me sitting here on the bench, with joyous spark in her eyes as in mine, we then begin to talk."

Paragraph six could use more details. What does Rachael look like? What is she wearing? Does she casually wear this or that? What does her lawn look like compared to Rose's garden?

This is also a run-on sentence as well:

"got up and joined Rachael's walk out through the gate and when I turn around to lock up, that's when I notice Scarlet giving me those sad eyes again."

Also you switch between tenses at particular parts of the chapter. I suggest you read over this and find them. Examples are: "proceeded" "got up" "turned" Particularly, I find the tense switch in paragraph seven.

Careful not to use semicolons as periods. You did so here:

"I notice a white delivery van driving past us; I turned my head to see where it was heading but it didn't go too far, instead it had parked across the street from my house. "

Another run-on sentence:

"I thought nothing of it, perhaps just dropping off a package for me or someone else."

More description could be placed in paragraph eight as well. Why do they hardly fight? Are they very similar in their likes? Is Rose afraid to have conflict with Rachael?

Also, once again, be careful not to have too many passive sentences as I start to notice there are a lot here. Passive sentences make the piece boring.

You don't need a comma there in front of teaching. Also, watch where you place your commas as well.

"She carried on telling me that in a year she’d be able to work at an elementary school, teaching English."

These two sentences need to be revised. Either combine them someway or revise it:

"But with me, with the fortunes my family had left me, I didn’t really have to work. But when I do work, I work managing my Antiques and Books store."

This is a run-on plus the word "departed" and "separately" mean about the same thing. Delete one of the words. Be careful not to use the comma as a period as well.

"Rachael and I departed separately; she went to her job and I went to mine."

Spell out your numbers always.

This is an awkward sentence:

"The child was that of a little girl, who got to of been at least 4 years old. "

Also paragraph nine, you seemed to have skirted through a lot of details. What does the man look like? What makes him handsome to Rose? What does the little girl look like? And the dialogue. How does the man speak? How does the little girl speak? Do they have accents? Besides nervous and shaking, Rose can have other nervous habits. What does she do when she's nervous besides that? Where was the complete attraction here?

Change "Was" to "Is"

Change "uncertainly" to "uncertainty"

Paragraph ten is also missing some details. How did he dress for the date? There could have been some room for a joke there. "Rose" and roses, wow. I would laugh at that or maybe add a scent to the roses. In addition, this paragraph seems to have switched tenses altogether. It went from present to past.

This is a run-on:

"I took his hand as we proceeded to his car. Being the gentleman he is, he opened the car door for me."

Paragraph ten should be fleshed out a little even if this may be a presentation of the main character's past. Also in this paragraph, you constantly used semicolons as periods. Revise it.

Change "minute" to "minutes"

The comma is misused here:

"It was now a minute past midnight, as I gently got into my bed anxious to tell Rachael about my night."

I agree with Brytt. Plot is interesting, but the execution was a bit poor. Reread this out loud to yourself. There are a lot of switches between present and past tense. Also, be sure not to use semicolons and commas as periods. Input more details. In addition, you might want to add a little more character to "Rose" because she appears a bit bland. Did the accident or losing of her family damage her in relationships? Because she is home-schooled, I expected her to have an extensive vocabulary. Therefore, she should have good, strict grammar, maybe a poetic tone to her words. I don't know. However, the plot is interesting. You should continue to work on this.

Sincerely Livana Lowell (LL)

God bless