A case study

In a race, to conquer
We often uncensor,
The color, the air
And lose the moisture .

Everything cant be anything
Fulfilment comes from green wing
The quotas are predetermined
Lessons are yet to open
Colors are yet to discover
Lets unfold it , again!

How remorseful,
His life has turned
Who once expected the large
Is suffering damn large!

The fear of dementia
The scarring thoughts of psychosis
Brain tumor, brain cancer
Are merely not rhymes .

The willpower says it all
Defines threat and conserve fall
What has gone
Is barren ground, else
Is yet to be grown and ripe!

Techs are introverts
Lets unleash them
To disturb this world ,not self !

God bless, take care!!

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is a very unusual non-linear message & it infuses me with ideas that are different from the way I usually write (straightforward). I love when a writer examines the collection of weird traits that makes up a specific human. You've done this in an original way, describing a human unlike any I've known about or imagined. (Originality is KING in my book!) Many traits here that I can relate to, but some I can't (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Sneh]

Yes straightforward with crisp of foldness is the way i like to pursue ....thanks much for stopping by and giving it a read! X :)
Sneh

[Coyote Poetry]

Hello my dear friend.
"The fear of dementia
The scarring thoughts of psychosis
Brain tumor, brain cancer
Are merely not rhymes ."
I received 11 anthrax shots. My memory became less. Many things can take us. We need to eat well and keep the mind working. Thank you for sharing the amazing words and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Sneh]

thats very true! 'HEALTH IS WEALTH'. wish u happy and healthy life ahead dear! thanks:-)

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree my dear friend and you are welcome.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

technology can accomplish so much...but for the old poets who start losing their minds...the words won't come no matter what machine tries to help them.
when the words get all jumbled..life becomes meaningless...and the poet's questions his or her own existence.
the more we expect to achieve, the worse it is if we don't get there...
better to do the best with what we have...release the expectations...and just write until we no longer can...there will be achievement in that...and once we lose it...we might rest on our laurels..at least a little bit.
j.

[Sneh]

Till that age, one gets to know all charisma's of life ......
Thanks much, good day !!💐read moreTill that age, one gets to know all charisma's of life ......
Thanks much, good day !!💐
Sneh

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you are an interesting poet Sneh....
kind of an offbeat style.
sometime if you have a few moments ---would love to get some reactions from you on my page.
j.

[Sneh]

Sure Jacob! would be my pleasure..😊

[Hennings]

Nice one Sneh i like ending makes a nice quote hey about introverts

[Sneh]

Thanks a ton dear hennings! 😊

[wordman]

per your forte another write on life that makes you think

[Sneh]

Yes wordman, true!
Enough complexities, yet discovering... :)
Thank you ❤

[wordman]

you`re welcome

[Robert Trakofler]

okay this is fun... i'm gonna just go out on a limb here but is this about someone close to you that is in fact experiencing pre-dementia or some sort of neurological disorder? some of what you are eluding to is things i go thru... particularly your stanza about green wing I looked it up and found it to be a television show? This is something i joke about with my friends that if wait long enough i can re-watch just about anything because my recall is horrid. I also understand the un-censoring aspect in terms of the uninhibited responses and pure natural outflow of one of whom has frontal lobe damage this can be a mix of disconcerting to the untrained eye in terms being hurt when the part of the mind that tells you don't say that internal dialogue... is just a passing thought and not genuine somehow gets switched off.
like i said was going out on a limb here so if i'm dead wrong and stupid delete my review or call me an a*s or both but in any event this write made me think

[Sneh]

Hey bunny,,
Unfortunately here "green wing " is not any tv show.
Once i was on a trip to rajasthan, there i met a boy who was suffering from some brain related disease...about which natives told me and excused with his life long studious behaviour. He was so insane in his acts and became victim of folks laugh. Thisade me feel pity and so i sympathised with him this way!
Thanks for your efforts and have a great day !:)
Sneh

[Robert Trakofler]

well i wasnt that off just the green wing reference still dont understand your explanation of green wing?

[Sneh]

"Green wing"...where you catch complete satisfaction and find all the needs and deeds of life !
read more"Green wing"...where you catch complete satisfaction and find all the needs and deeds of life !
Hope i made it clear :)

[Robert Trakofler]

oooooooooooooo.... me a dumb bunny

[Sneh]

I don't think so!

[JayG]

A couple of thoughts:

First: Never force the line to the needs of the rhyme. The rhyme isn't the purpose of the line, it's the tink of the symbol to act as a line delineation, and word must fit the thought so perfectly that trhe rhyme seems almost axccidental. But when you say, "Fulfilment comes from green wing" it's obviously there because you needed a rhyme for "everything." Truly, I have no idea of how fulfillment comes from a British Tv show that ended over fifteen years ago. But you needed a rhyme, so...

Next: A great deal of the story remains in your head and never made it to the page. As a result, things that are clear to you are opaque to the reader. For example, when you say, "How remorseful, His life has turned," what can it mean to a reader? In S1 you talk about "we" but here you're talking about a "he" who has never been introduced, who's remorseful for things not mentioned. Clear to you, perhaps. But to the reader? How can "willpower say it all," when the reader has no idea of even the subject you're talking about. We don't know who we are, where we are, or what's going on.

My point? Write from your chair, of course. But edit from that of the reader who knows only what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR background, not your intent.

And finally. If you're going to rhyme you need everything that goes with structured poetry, There's consistency. If you establish that the first stanza has four lines, with the first two rhyming, the reader expects that to continue, as verses of a song do.

If the first line has four lines, the reader expects that of the others. It helps them become part of the performance you envision, the way punctuation helps the reader speak the line as the writer intends.

And finally, is prosody. It's best to make use of it all all kinds of writing, but especially in poetry. Look at the first stanza in terms of the rhythm of stressed/unstressed syllable pairs, or feet, as they're called in poetry.

IN a RACE, to CONquer Three feet, with a feminine ending (un-stressed syllable)
We OFten unCENsor, Two feet, with a feminine ending
The COLor, the AIR Two feet, with a male ending
And LOSE the MOISTure . Two feet, with a feminine ending

Seems a bit off, And notice that L1 begins with a stressed syllable (trochiac), while L2, 3, & 4 begin unstressed (iambic). That's another thing the reader expects continued. But neither is.

Take a look, on Amazon, at the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. It's a really good introduction to the structure of poetry in English.

Sorry my news isn't better. You did ask. 🙄 Keep in mind, though, that what I've been saying isn't related to talent or potential, only issues of craft, things that you can fix with a few of the tricks of the trade.

Hang in there, and don't let it throw you.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Sneh]

Thank you for coming up with good suggestions.... I have already given the description of poem in first reply , hope you find it. I would definitely try to enhance my writing skills .:)
Sneh