The pains so numb!

A poem i wrote for someone taken from my journal!

The nights that you cried to those four walls

The times you lost it your cries your calls

Those pills that numb you to make you sane

There just a barrier a lie to keep you insane!
They check you, they look write and stare.

They seem worthy but do they care?

They think you crazy but your not.

You just needed attention just some not alot.

You've tried to numb the pain.

The feeling comes back all the same.

But now your free to start again.

Your still worried will i slip again.

Into old ways to battle to fight.

You have to rise up to battle and fight!

Author's Note

This is my first piece.
I'm not good on grammar and punctuation please leave comments to help me x

Reviews

[Tijana]

Well written!! Deep and emotional as well.

As for the punctuation and grammer... I did see a few mistakes, but it was still understandable. Here's a few corrections to help you out - I also put an extra bit in there to help and try to provent those mistakes in future times;

There just a barrier a lie to keep you insane! ----- "There" should be spelled as "they're", like "they are".

They check you, they look write and stare. ----- "Write" should be spelled as "right". "Write" is for stories or poems, whereas "right" is more like "the right way". Correctly, directly, and completely.

They think you crazy but your not. ----- "Your" should be spelled as "you're".

But now your free to start again. ----- Again you want to make "your" into "you're".

Here's an edited version you may want to use;

The nights that you cried to those four walls,
The times you lost it; your cries, your calls.
Those pills that numb you to make you sane,
They're just a barrier, a lie to keep you insane!

They check you, they look right and stare.
They seem worthy, but do they care?
They think you crazy but you're not.
You just needed attention - just some, not alot.

You've tried to numb the pain,
The feeling comes back all the same.
But now you're free to start again.
You're still worried, will I slip again?
Into old ways to battle; to fight.
You have to rise up to battle and fight!

--------------------

Other than those minor mistakes, the poem itself was excellent. I hoped all the above helped - I know a few people who commonly make the same mistakes, but it's understandable and forgivable. So no worries there. Everyone ends up with mistakes in their work at some point - it's not the spelling that counts, but the actual piece. The writing. And as I've said, you've already done great with that.

I'll stop rambling here, heh. Sorry for such a long review.

Anyway, good luck with your future work - can't wait to see more.

Kudos!

--Slaye

[Enigma]

Well, a good write for the first piece. If you keep writing, you'll end with great pieces, I bet.
I liked how you've captured tha images of helplessness, confusion and defeat. But the ending was great. I really liked it a lot!!
Well Done!!

[Joseph - Michael]

Nevermind about your grammar and such. Slaye had explained it all, so no worries there...

Anyway, it's a pretty good concept you've written there, so it's all good tho...

[RHEA CROSLEY]

I like this piece it tills with the true hungers of the soul. Only love from relationship with another can truly satisfy the inner cry.
I appreciate this for ever since my wife died I have felt that cry from my heart. The spiritual realm helps but there is nothing like having someone to pour out your love upon. I like your writing. I think that some day if you would like you could add more to it. Its a good piece and worth you time. Thanks for the good write.