October 2nd, 2006

October 2nd, 2006:

I haven't slept for days, though a part of me does not care. Something insinde of me wants to keep going until I can't anymore. I surely do hope that I will start soon. I just need to build the courage, to finally do this. Something is missing in my life, and I am ready for change. My bags are packed for motivation, and I haven't paid my rent. Sooner or later I will have to leave, right?

The weather is nice, and the temeperature is averagely around seventy degrees. No one will miss me ofcourse...probably won't be noticed. Though I am one-hundred percent certain this is not for attention. Regardless of whether or not people know why or what I'm doing, I don't care. Kannapolis, North Carolina may not be largest of all the cities, although it is conviently located in the center of multiple other towns and cities; Mooresville, Enochville, Rockwell, China Grove, Concord. I have the choice to go in a any direction. Furthermore, my thoughts are on a endless spinning rampage. I just turned sixteen years young and my find my self in an extremely unfortunate situation. To be frank...it's bullshit.

Oh, how I did indeed enjoy my summer. I felt like it wan't wasted like so many may say. I remember when my was being pushed to limits I had once never thought possible...It was on the first streak of sunny, warm days that would come about last spring. Relatively young neighbors that had moved in next door expressed a lot of the same views and opinions I did. Now when I say "young", they were still much older than I, although I never did learn their ages I would have to guess aroun late twentys or early thirties. Carloyn, oh what a sweet woman she was. Although a very attractive girl, I thought of her far to much as a friend to form deeper feelings than that. Always dressed in bright colors and at least halfway stoned all of the time. An optomistic attitude, laid back personality; matched her wavy naturally blonde hair that was grown down around to her mid back. Simple, yet splendid one-piece dresses that usually hung just below her knees. Most who met Carolyn thought highly of her. For even my own mother would take part in conversation with her occasionally. Though that obviously wouldn't be the case if she knew that Carolyn had bought my close friends and I alcohol for quite awhile.

Her boyfriend Rex, was definitly an introverted type of guy. A character he turned out to be alright. Nice enough to let everyone play music in his "hippie building" out back, (that was the name my mom used when refering to the old shed in thier backyard)...Turns out that once he got Carolyn pregnant, she was no longer of use to him anymore. Kicking her out to raise the child on her own. Although I have lost contact I surely do hope she is alright.

Behind Rex's back ofcourse, Carolyn had often joined my group of friends with smoking weed and drinking with us during band practice. One day she had introduced me to an older man, probably in his fifties. Hairy was the gentlemen's name, and dressed to similiar likings of Carolyn and most of her friends. This long haired guy turned out to be her source for buying shrooms, and LSD. The next day was the beginning to another world.

Throughout the summer I had continues to hang out with Hairy on occasion, meraly to but drugs though, we never grew a real friendship. Every single evening I would find my way out into the world to expand my mind with friends in some way. Sobriety wasn't really an option. A lot of fond memories were made during the summer of 2006. Though once my life had begun to change my Mother noticed it as well. Always assuming that I probably occasionally smoked some weed or drank a few beers with friends, she wouldn't carry anything further than a mere smart-a*s comment about my brain cells or something. Completely aware of her Bipolar disorder, I would find myself just chuckling or ignoring her comments at all. I was never stupid enough to admit that I actually did do drugs, escepcially about the shrooms and acid.

Although only a week ago today. I had made one of the dumbest mistakes that somone in my position could have. Ignorant to reality I decided to take that hit of acid when I subconsiously knew I shouldn't have. For returning home during the peak of my trip was a given...I didn't care. Perhaps she was scared for me, pure pissed-off, maybe she was even jealous, who knows? I do know that when she told me to pack my bags and never come back, my life had changed.

So now I find myself living with this old friend of mine. In a house that feels more empty than hers did. Somehow I find myself lost in what seems to be a crack in my life. I have my past and my future, though right in the middle is a big crack in which I lay, lost in thought about what to do at this point. Instead of straining every inch of my body to pull myself up out of the crack, I can follow the crack to a shallower location, where it might be easier to escape. I want to walk...I need to walk. Feeling trapped and alone is an awful feeling nobody should have to experience. Though where too? For how long? These are questions that I have been trying to answer for several nights. It seems as if I may just have to sleep on it again.

Reviews

[Gomer LePoet]

Hey dude this is some serious s**t going on here. Obviously this was 4 years ago and somehow you made it. We all find a way to make it. Shrooms, acid, those are some serious tree talking generators, hell anything we deemed to have feelings we will talk to under these powerful mind alterators. Carolyn sounds like a cool chick and mom just needed some understanding and love. hard to figure that out at such an early time of our lives. good thought cohesion just needing a little, you know what, maybe it doesnt need a dam thing. Keep writing my young friend