Scholarship Essay

PLEASE PROOFREAD!!!

            Juvenile diabetes has been part of my life for ten years: it is hard to remember dinners before counting carbohydrates or summers without diabetic camp.  It is likewise hard to remember a time before all of the Walks and fundraisers, before the visits to the Congressmen and the advocating—through both written and spoken words—for a cure.  I have accepted diabetes as a part of my life, but I have also taken on the mission of finding a cure.

            This mission began with stuffing envelopes, writing letters, and participating in the JDRF Walk with family members and friends in a group called Kim’s Crusaders.  In 1999, when I was nine, my mother became the State Leader for JDRF and I became even more involved; I even got the chance to do a television interview, where I tested my blood sugar and talked about how my life was filled with insulin shots and advocating while all that my friends had to worry about was learning addition and collecting Pokemon cards.

            My first experience with talking to Congressmen came soon after this television interview.  Armed with an—I’ll admit now, somewhat dorky—photograph of me in my Halloween costume of a glucometer, I talked with Oklahoma Representatives Istook and Lucas and Oklahoma Senators Inhofe and Nickels, telling them of how, except for my diabetes, I was like every other little kid my age—played soccer, loved Saturday Morning Cartoons, and dreamed of being an artist when I grew up.

            Quickly, this advocating became a part of my life.  Now it’s nearly an ordinary thing for me to spend a day advocating at the Oklahoma Capital building or in a Congressman’s office.  My best friend, who has been there for me ever since I was diagnosed at the age of seven, laughs at how I toss around politicians’ names as though everything I do for JDRF is completely normal.

            Recently I was given the chance to see a solid product of my efforts.  House Bill 1051, which calls for a statewide diabetes management plan for all children with Type 1 diabetes in public school, was passed in summer 2007.  My family and I, along with the family of another diabetic in my school system, spent several days advocating at the Capital and meeting with State Senators and Representatives for the passage of that bill.  Although I will not be able to feel the results of the bill myself—since I am graduating this year—I am extremely proud to know that I made a difference in the lives of other diabetics who are facing problems in the public school system.      

Although it has been a challenge, diabetes has also helped me become both a more responsible and more confident person.  During my first time talking to a Congressman, I was so scared that I could barely open my mouth and let my parents do most of the talking for me.  Over time, my confidence grew and I am now able to look people in the eye and tell them everything they need to know about my life with diabetes. 

Diabetes has also taught me to be independence and to have faith in myself.  When I had to learn how to count carbohydrates and measure out the exact amount of medicine needed before even learning how to multiply, self-confidence was a natural result.  When everything—even my life—depended on learning how to judge my blood sugar and all of its roller-coaster patterns, independence was an expected result.  As a person with diabetes, my life is constantly in my own hands—a responsibility that I learned early on to accept.  The wish I have for all children with diabetes is this: that they are able to not just accept their disease but to also learn to live with it and embrace it as part of who they are.

Despite this dream of mine, though, I still long for a cure, and still do my full part in helping one to come.  When I was newly diagnosed, there was always something new being said, some new whisper about a cure just a year away, some new disappointment that would always fall through.  Now, though, with all the new scientific discoveries going on, I can see that a cure is just a few inches from our grasp—a true cure and not just a whisper.  I hope that my efforts—and the efforts of the thousands of other diabetics like me—may play a role in speeding up the discovery of a cure. 

Although some would say the efforts of one person like me amount to very little, I adamantly disagree.  My evidence that one person can make a difference in the scheme of things: I recently had the chance to visit with Oklahoma Congressman Frank Lucas, who is very supportive of diabetes research, again through the Promise To Remember Me Campaign, and, even with all the hundreds of advocators he sees a year for the hundreds of different causes, he distinctly remembered my mother and I—noticing even that my mother now had a longer hairstyle.  Individuals have the ability of being remembered in ways that large, faceless groups do not: I am a portrait of juvenile diabetes.  

Diabetes is a solid part of my life; it’s there to stay, and I plan to make the most out of it.  While I am in college, I plan on continuing my efforts and advocating for a cure and perhaps even becoming a counselor at my diabetic camp.  More than that, though, I plan on living out my life like I always dreamed in order to show this disease and everyone who knows me that I will not let diabetes control my life.  I am still a strong and independent person, with the right and power to achieve my dreams, even if my pancreas is mechanical and worn outside of my body.       

Reviews

[Dressed in Poetry]

I believe Sara and Constance did a great job helping with the suggestions. I would just like to add that I loved this. It is a great topic and a great mission. I would definitely give you a scholarship.

[Sara]

The things in parenthesis are my additions, some taken from Constance's suggestions, and some taken from how I would have written it. This doesn't mean that I am right, it is just what I think sounds better. Good job, by the way, this is very inspirational and well written and I am certain that you will get the scholarship that this is going towards. How could they refuse?

-sara 

Juvenile diabetes has been part of my life for ten years(;) it is hard to remember (a time when) dinners (did not include) counting carbohydrates or (when) summers (were spent without attending) diabetic camp. It is likewise hard to remember (the years) before (I began attending) all of the Walks and fundraisers, before (I thought about) visits to the Congressmen and the advocating-through both written and spoken words-for a cure. I have accepted diabetes as a part of my life, but I have also taken on the mission of (helping to find) a cure.

This mission began with stuffing envelopes, writing letters, and participating in the JDRF Walk with family members and friends in a group called Kim's Crusaders. In 1999, when I was nine, my mother became the State Leader for JDRF and I became even more involved; I even got the chance to do a television interview, where I tested my blood sugar and talked about how (while all that my friends had to worry about was learning addition and collecting Pokemon cards,) my life was filled with insulin shots and advocating.

My first experience with talking to Congressmen came soon after this television interview. Armed with an-I'll admit now, somewhat dorky-photograph of me in my Halloween costume of a glucometer, I (discussed my situation with) Oklahoma Representatives Istook and Lucas and Oklahoma Senators Inhofe and Nickels, telling them of how, except for my diabetes, I was like every other little kid my age- (I) played soccer, loved Saturday Morning Cartoons, and dreamed of being an artist when I grew up.

Quickly, this advocating became a part of my life. Now it's nearly an ordinary thing for me to spend a day advocating at the Oklahoma Capital building or in a Congressman's office. My best friend, who has been there for me ever since I was diagnosed at the age of seven, laughs at how I toss around politicians' names as though everything I do for JDRF is completely normal.

Recently I was given the chance to see a solid product of my efforts. House Bill 1051, which calls for a statewide diabetes management plan for all children with Type 1 diabetes in public school, was passed in summer 2007. My family and I, along with the family of another diabetic in my school system, spent several days advocating at the Capital and meeting with State Senators and Representatives for the passage of that bill. Although I will not be able to feel the results of the bill myself since I am graduating this year, I am extremely proud to know that I made a difference in the lives of other diabetics who are facing problems in the public school system.

Although it has been a challenge, diabetes has also helped me become both more responsible and more confident (as a) person (with diabetes). During my first time talking to a Congressman, I was so scared that I could barely open my mouth and (I) let my parents do most of the talking for me. Over time, my confidence grew and I am now able to look people in the eye and tell them everything they need to know about my life with diabetes.

Diabetes has also taught me to be independence and to have faith in myself. When I had to learn how to count carbohydrates and measure out the exact amount of medicine needed before even learning how to multiply, self-confidence was a natural result. When everything (,) even my life (,) depended on learning how to judge my blood sugar and all of its roller-coaster patterns, independence was an expected result. As a person with diabetes, my life is constantly in my own hands, a responsibility that I learned early on to accept. The wish I have for all children with diabetes is this: that they are able to not just accept their disease but to also learn to live with it and embrace it as part of who they are.

(In spite of my wish that those with diabetes learn to accept it, I wish more strongly for a cure, and am doing my full part) in helping one to (be discovered.) When I was newly diagnosed, there was always something new being said, some new whisper about a cure just a year away, (and some) new disappointment that would always fall through. Now, though, with all the new scientific discoveries going on, I can see that a cure is just a few inches from our grasp-a true cure and not just a whisper. I hope that my efforts and the efforts of the thousands of other diabetics like me (,) may play a role in speeding up the discovery of a cure.

Although some would say the efforts of one person (such as me) amount to very little, I adamantly disagree. My (belief) that one person can make a difference in the scheme of things (was confirmed when) I recently had the chance to visit with Oklahoma Congressman Frank Lucas, who is very supportive of diabetes research, again through the Promise To Remember Me Campaign. (Even) with all the hundreds of advocators he sees a year for the hundreds of different causes, he distinctly remembered my mother and I-(even noticing) that my mother now had a longer hairstyle. Individuals have the ability of being remembered in ways that large, faceless groups do not: I am a portrait of juvenile diabetes.

Diabetes is a solid part of my life; it's there to stay, and I plan to make the most out of it. While I am in college, I plan on continuing my efforts and advocating for a cure and perhaps even becoming a counselor at my diabetic camp. More than that, though, I plan on living out my life like I always dreamed in order to show this disease and everyone who knows me that I will not let diabetes control my life. I am still a strong and independent person, with the right, (the ambition,) and (the) power to achieve my dreams, even if my pancreas is mechanical and worn outside of my body.

[Constance]

Ok. You asked for proofreading, so here are some things that I noticed:

The colon in the first sentence should be a semicolon. You need to state that your mission is to HELP find a cure for diabetes. The way it reads in the last line of the first paragraph, it sounds like you are going to set out to do it all by yourself. It comes off wrong.

It is not this television interview, if it is in a new paragraph. It is the, or my, television interview.

Independence should be independent in paragraph 7.

The first sentence in paragraph 8 would sound better if stated as such:
In spite of my wish that those with diabetes learn to accept it, I wish more strongly for a cure, and am doing my part...

This is very inspirational, Kim. Good luck.