Cold, Numb, Freezing

A short story about a boy who is trying to run away from his nightmares, but can't seem to move on.

He waits day after day, wondering why he does so...

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He jolts awake in the middle of the night gasping for air in a struggle, his breathes short and sharp, his chest tight and his body drenched in sweat. He frantically pulls off his covers in an attempt to get out of bed, until his legs give out on him. Feeling weak and tired he falls to the floor on his hands and knees. The panic starts to fade, his eyes no longer shocked or wide but now blurred by tears. His breathing calms and he lets go of the grip he didn't realize he had on his chest, as he exhales slowly.

"It was just a dream..." he mutters, as he frowns tightly. His eyebrows come closer together as his face reflects a sorrowful look. He is still on his hands and knees, feeling paralyzed. 

He shuts his eyes tight in anger before tears could start, he exhales a small sob and lifts one of his fists from the floor and slams it back down, hitting it as hard as he could. He opened his eyes and tears started dripping on to the floor, he watched them fall for a moment as his breaths become shaky again. He tries to hold back sobs and more tears. He struggles out of his blankets and feels the cold hard wood floor, shoving his blanket aside as he sits up with his back against his bed and tilts his head back wondering 'why can't you leave me alone?' 

His chest still hurts from the sharp breathes and all the panic. He pulls his knees closer to his chest, his head still resting against his bed tilted up. He glances at his alarm clock, it had just turned exactly 3:00 AM, he sighs. His arms wrapped around his knees. His breathing had calmed down but its still faster than normal, he decides 'maybe I need some fresh air' and stands up. He slowly makes his way to his door and flinches at the creaking sound it makes as he opens it up and makes his way to the hall and down the stairs.

He walks to the kitchen and out the back door, he steps outside and instantly felt the cold air brush against his skin, its freezing. He looks out into the dark yard that has snow briefly scattered over the green grass gently. He exhales deeply and can see his breath hit the cold air and slowly disappear, he crosses his arms already cold.

But that's what he was used to, the cold, feeling numb inside and out. He feels like if he's not hurting he's not real, because he's always hurting. His dreams are proof, because he wakes up in tears or screams to often, and when he does, he's angry, he's sad, he's in pain, he's confused, but he's not surprised. He fell into a hole to deep to ever fall out. He's wrapped up in all these lies and truths, he can't even attempt to explain to anyone, but he gave up on that a long time ago.

He started thinking about all these things in his life, trying to figure out what he could do to stop all of it, trying to find the root. His minds racing, and so is the cold, he can feel it spread through his body, he's already almost completely numb. Leaning against the house, barefoot and with no gloves or coat, just his t-shirt and sweatpants he thinks he's freezing, but he cant tell yet.

His minds still racing 'why, why, why, why?' so many questions. He know he's missing things, like... her, he knows he's missing so many pieces of himself and he knows that he will never know where to even began. He realizes the tears that stain his cheeks and the ones that continue to fall, he is cold inside and out, he is numb inside and out, he is freezing inside and out.

He remembers his dream, he remembers being cold, numb, freezing. He remembers the feelings he couldn't run from anymore. He remembers breaking himself and being unable to fix it. He remembers her and losing everything all over again.

He slides down the side of the house covering his face with his hands, he's still crying yet he can't even feel the tears in his eyes. He cries muffled sobs, his hands still covering his face. He wants to get up but he can't yet, he can't bring himself to get up now. His thoughts have distraught him and distracted him long enough that he didn't even realize he was that cold, numb, freezing. 'why?' He brings his hands down so he can see and tilts his head back against the house as he looks up at the stars.

He knows he needs to get inside soon, he tries to slow his tears and control his breathing but he cant yet. He runs his fingers through his hair and then starts to pull it. He's still crying, he closes his eyes tightly 'why?'... He cant stop this. He wants to scream but he can't. He. Can't. He shakes his head then rests it on his knees, his hands now wrapped around the back of his neck.

He tries to calm his breathing one more time, he tells himself he's okay, he's okay. it slowly starts to work as he believes lies and the tears start to stop. Yet he still has stains on his cheeks from the frozen tears. He puts both his hands on the ground feeling the frozen dew on the grass he thinks about standing now, he tries but then another one hits him 'why?' 

He's not mad at himself, he just wants to stop the dreams, the nightmares, the pain. He knows theirs a root and he needs to find it, he wants to feel whole again, he knows he did once. He fights it all, and...stands once he does he steps away from the house and looks up.

"Come back to me," he breathes, as he stares into space at the stars with tears in his eyes. He exhales a deep breath.

He turns around and looks at the doorknob, he goes to reach for it, he grabs it, pushing a million thoughts out of his head, as he slowly turns it.

He opens it up and steps inside, quietly closing it. He takes a long breath as all the numbness melts away and the heat rushes over his body. A tear falls as he leans against the door and shuts his eyes tight... 'Why?'

Author's Note

Thanks for reading! There could be a lot that's unsaid or confusing in this little story, so if you have any questions or concerns let me know! All reviews are welcome, i hope you liked it! XD