The forgotten name

I've forgotten that sumptuous name
I used once to create other words
I undressed it
Until I only had the letters
Then I played Scrabble with them
Seeing how many words I can make -
Her beauty was endless
Her smile was scrumptious
Her eyes were luminous pots of honey
I thought I hit the jackpot
When I put her name down
For a triple word score
When suddenly she flipped the board -
Pieces of both our names scattered
And I was left trying to clutch at pieces
Of a name
I've now forgotten.

Reviews

[Ted Kniffen]

Clever piece, S.V. I liked it. Well written and
Her smile was scrumptious
Her eyes were luminous pots of honey

Good write

[Ken Simm.]

Amazed, honestly at how you use words and I don't just mean the game.

[Einstein Noodle]

love the scrabble board idea ..Norma won't play with me ..she says i always cheat ..i make up words ... she doesn't understand poetic licence ;))
E.

[Nigel Newman]

Hi there. I happened to open WC and this piece was top of the list, so I thought I'd take a look.

There are about 5 or 6 things I'd be itching to change if this was my poem, or at least try to change. But for me, if it was mine, I think it would be worth the effort because the concept you have conveyed is so very very engaging. I think the Scrabble platform for the idea of a shattered relationship and something broken into fragments is great. Well envisioned; well portrayed.

You don't need to read this part if you're happy with it as it stands, but here's what I'd be trying to do if I'd come up with this idea
- line 6 'how many words I could make' and line 10 'I thought I'd hit ...' are easy grammar improvements
- I'd possibly make a new stanza at line 7 (Her beauty), but the much more enticing aspect would be if you could weave in some wordplay as in Scrabble itself. The kind of thing I mean is something like transforming 'end' to 'endless' or 'over' to 'lover' or 'ate' to 'soulmate', i.e. using the concepts of Scrabble to tie in with the sense I think you're trying to convey. (I think I say this because 'Scrumptious' would be a great Scrabble word perhaps built up from 'Scrum', but as a romantic descriptor on its own, for me, it jarred).
- Again, I'd maybe have a new stanza at line 10 (jackpot)
- I'd probably change one of the 'pieces' to something else
- Finally, I'm not at all sure you would ever forget the name of someone you write so evocatively about. It's too rich, too strong, too hurting, for this name to ever be wiped from your memory. So my thought was, again, use the Scrabble theme to get at not having the letters/pieces to ever re-create her (her name), i.e. 'unreachable'.

Hope you don't mind me adding these suggestions, but I only do it because this is a VERY strong work, in my opinion. There's always the risk that editing loses spontaneity, but best wishes with any of these thoughts you choose to follow.

Nigel

[SleeplessVolcano]

Thanks for all your constructive feedback, Nigel.....I must admit, this was a rather sloppy effort since I applied more of my heart than my mind, something which I think most poets struggle with. I'll have to make time for a left-brain re-write....:)

[Nisreen]

You gotta love that Scrabble

I always turn the board ..... and i always end up in tickle war as a result

Nice one !!

Long time no see buddy

[SleeplessVolcano]

Lol......sometimes our poetry writing is like a chemistry lab.....throwing in all kinds of things in the test tube, hoping it will no go "kaboom".....

I think we need to create an online scrabble app.....;)

[Nisreen]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh thats fun
A halloween one .....

Speaking of kaboom ..... words are like that
they kaboom and kabam

you never know what is coming next .........

[SleeplessVolcano]

lol@ Halloween one.....I'm worried such a one would be way too scary...;)

Reminded now of a funny collab I wrote on another poetry website telling the story of a school romance (read crush) gone wrong in the science lab....lol......

[Nisreen]

Lol
She probably went crazy
Drove him off on purpose

[Nisreen]

I am excited about Halloween
I got sort of a costume

[SleeplessVolcano]

ummm....she? No....he.....that is why he never became a scientist, you see......paying more attention to the color of eyes than the color of.......what was that in the beaker? kaboom....:P

[SleeplessVolcano]

I need to see a pic! :D

[Nisreen]

Lol
Not much to see