The Wedding

The narrator recounts her relationship with the love of her life while he stands at the altar.

There is a visible bead of sweat running down Russell’s temple and into his sideburn.  His tuxedo looks too tight, and he is running his hand through his hair-his nervous habit.  His exquisite, hazel eyes are burning a hole into the back of the church doors.  I know he's questioning his decision to get married at twenty.  We both agreed that twenty-five is the earliest we would get married, but things change.  He said that age doesn't matter when you know it is love.  Our eyes lock for a brief second, and I am thrown back into the memory of the first night that he told me he loves me.

"So, you said you had something for me?" I eyed him curiously as I got into his car.  Russell isn't one for giving gifts.  His color looked a little off, like after the time we went on Tower of Terror at Disney World moments after eating deep-fried cheesecake. 

"It's not exactly something tangible.  It's just something that I want you to know."  He looked so serious that I almost laughed.  The expression didn't look right on his face.  He was a great white shark trying to look nonchalant around seals.  Russell doesn’t do serious, and that made it hard trying to know where I stood with him.  

"Ok, what do you want me to know?"

He took a deep breath, and out came the words, "I love you."

"What?," I asked skeptically.  I knew I misheard him.  The idea that he could love me was preposterous at the time.  We were only eighteen, and I at least had no idea what love was.

"I love you. I'm in love with you."  

That moment changed both of our lives forever. It led us to the very church that we are in right now.  All of our friends are here--everyone from high school and college. We have had the same friends since the summer before senior year when we met. They are all smiling and eagerly awaiting for the reception, so that they can take advantage of the open bar. I smile inwardly at the thought.

I look up at the priest and he asks Russell if he promises to love and cherish his bride forever.

"I do," he says a little too breathy. I flush.

The priest smiles and says, "Charlotte, do you promise to love and cherish Russell forever?"

"I do."

      As everyone tries to make their way out of the church, the maid-of-honor whispers in my ear that she knew this day would come. I grin at her and nod. I knew this day would come too. 

     That's the problem. What do you do when you know the love of your life is going to marry the love of their life, and it's not you? I walk off to my car as Russell and Charlotte get in their limo. I know I am mere seconds away from falling apart, and I can't let my friends see that. They think I'm fine with this. They actually think I am fine with watching Russell, the man I was dating a year ago, get married to someone he met eleven months ago.

      As I am getting into my car, I wonder what I am going to do with my life. My sun rises and sets with someone who is married. I open the glove box and pull out the bottle vodka I bought earlier this morning. I could drown all of my sorrows with it, but I decide against it. Russell told me that you can’t find any answers at the bottom of a glass. 

      I start my car and head towards my apartment. I know my boyfriend will be there waiting for me, and I decide to take the long way back.  I met my boyfriend two months before the wedding, and he is perfect in every way possible. He calls when he says he will, he never cancels our plans, and he even gave me flowers after I had a dream that he cheated on me.  A girl could not ask for a better guy, but I don't feel anything towards him. At first, I thought it would just take some time to have feelings for someone else. I think I know better now. A part of me broke when I lost Russell, and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

      I heard that F. Scott Fitzgerald once said that people have a fixed amount of emotional capital that can be used up, but not replenished.   Once your capital runs out, you have nothing left to give--even if the right person comes along.  The right person came along for me, but it was too late. I am already damaged; irreparable.  

      Suddenly, I realize I am parked in my parking spot outside of my apartment. I do not remember how I got here, so I decide right then and there that I won’t drive anywhere while thinking about my life choices. Once the car is safely turned off; however, I am free to think about what I want.  Unfortunately, my thoughts always find their way back to Russell and our last night together.

“You don’t have to say it back, but it would be nice if you said something. Anything.”

      I was staring at Russell, and I was speechless. I was trying to figure out why he would tell me that he loves me.  I convinced myself that he had ulterior motives, but I did not know what they were.

“Are you just saying that so I’ll sleep with you?” I immediately regretted saying this.

“What? No! I’m saying it because I mean it. I’m okay with waiting. I thought you knew that.”

“You broke up with Betty because she wouldn’t sleep with you. Why would you stay with me if I’m not sleeping with you?” I am practically yelling at myself inside my head to shut the f**k up, but I don’t.

“I didn’t break up with her because she wouldn’t sleep with me. I broke up with her because she was trying to change me, and because I met you.” He looks like I just kicked his puppy, even though he doesn’t have one.

“Okay.” Why am I doing this? The guy I am crazy about just told me that he loves me, and I accuse him of saying it so that I’ll sleep with him. Why couldn’t I just tell him that I love him too?

“Do you love me? Or do you think you ever could?”

“I don’t know, Russell.” Yes, I do know! I love you!

“What do you want to do? Do you want to stay here and talk about this, or do you want to go home?”

“I want to go.” No I do not. I do not understand what is going on. Russell looks genuinely upset and in pain. It is in that moment that I realize what I’ve done. I’ve lost the one person I want to be with because I thought so lowly of myself that I thought I didn’t deserve his love.

      Now, I feel numb to everything. I exit my car and walk over to my apartment.  My boyfriend opens the door before I can turn my key all the way to unlock it.

“Hey, how was it?”

“Fine. Everyone had a good time. Nikki caught the bouquet, so everyone thinks she and Matt will get married next.”  I have no idea who caught the bouquet because I didn’t stay long enough to see it get tossed.

“That’s funny. They’re all wrong though because we are getting married next.” He smiles his shy smile at me. The one he has just for me when he says something that he thinks might come off as too forward. I smile back.

“Can we stay in tonight? Maybe watch some Jersey Shore, so that I can feel like I have my life together.”

      He nods his head and we make our way to the couch. I sit down next to him, and consider my options. I could do the right thing, and break his heart. I could also do the wrong thing, and stay with him and try to make him as happy as I possibly can. Who knows, maybe Fitzgerald had it all wrong. Maybe we can replenish our emotional capital. Maybe I can fall in love again. I know that Russell is gone, and that part of my life is over. Maybe I can start over, and do things right this time.

“Hey,” my boyfriend whispers in my ear. “I love you.” He kisses my forehead.

“I love you, too.”

Author's Note

Did you enjoy the story?

Reviews

[Nicci]

I enjoyed it but it seems unfinished

[Sld0208]

Unfinished in what way? Should there be more back story or more towards the end of the story?

[Marie]

The narrator is likeable, because she doesn't fall apart. Whateve her choices, she keeps it all together. Very well written.

[Sld0208]

Thank you!

[RachelReaper]

she's likable, because she's so realistically human. She has every emotion of a girl in that situation, which is why people would like her, because she's so real.

[Sld0208]

Thank you!