Chapter 1

Chapter 1 in "Forbidden Love"

“Please don’t do this!” she screamed as I slowly began to drag her off. She let out another cry for help but I knew no one would be able to hear her. This was my element, and she was going to die. I dragged her until I felt comfortable dropped her body and she squirmed like an insect on the forest floor. I just stood and watched. Slowly she rose and stared right at me, I knew the darkness hid my face.
“Why are you doing this??” She’s just the same. Always asking stupid questions. I just stood there smiling in the dark at her. Like all she slowly began to back away thinking I wouldn’t notice. Then she turned and ran off. I just smiled and laughed silently.
1...
Even from where I was I could hear her breathing.
2...
I could hear as branches snapped under her feet as she tried to find her way in the dark.
3...
Now she dies.

Author's Note

Please ignore grammar or spelling. Any other mistakes please tell me kindly. And tell me what you think!

Reviews

[Fairytale]

I found a few punctuation errors. There were a few things that I thought might help this intriguing story along, which I have listed below.

"'Please don’t do this!' she screamed as I slowly began to drag her off. " - I felt like I could be closer connected to the main character if I knew a bit more about who he or she is. For example, how did your main character feel while dragging her off? What was going through his head? His body? Etc...

"This was my element, and she was going to die." - I was a bit confused by the use of the word element. I am realizing that it must mean environment, but this was not clear to me at first. This was also a statement letting us know how this scene was meant to play out. I got the main character's motive, which worked to add tension to a thrilling scene.

"She’s just the same." - I kind of get this. I am getting that the girl is just the same as all the rest, but a bit more description might help us along. It can also draw us further in.

"Like all (,) she slowly began to back away thinking I wouldn’t notice." - It took me a while to understand what this sentence meant without the comma. This sentence is a bit awkward. The idea is great.

The numbering of the events at the end was an interesting effect. I like it! I still think that there is something more that needs to be done in order to make it more effective, but I can't place it. The last sentence was very effective. Very bold and stands on its own. This ending stands on it's own, but it could also be a great lead up to more events if you should choose to do so.

I know how easy it is to put ideas down in writing, all which make sense to me, and then find that others are confused by what I have written. That's okay, because that's what revision and critiques are for. It is important as writers that we are clear in what we are trying to convey, as well as be interesting enough to captivate those who read our work. I hope that my observations have helped you. I am looking forward to reading more of your work.

[.quan.011.]

awesome chapter

[Gone]

It's like a game of cat and mouse. I still like this

[Ryker Killian]

I have given my opinion on the previous chapter
This is longer, but not by much

[Daydreamer54]

oh i get it, so that guy is the hunter that dragged her off. hope she gets waway, though i have no idea why he's after her!