Terms of Employment

A silly little short involving a twisted boss and his incompetent employer

“Terms of Employment”

by

Trystin S. Bailey

 

Scene: An office. MR. WATTERSON sits, sifting through papers, as JOE eagerly enters.

 

Joe: You wanted to see me, Mr. Watterson?

 

Watterson: That’s right. (drawn-out pause) Take a seat. (Joe sits) So, do you know why I called you here, Joe?

 

Joe: Well, sir, I figured it could be any of thousands of reasons, but I think I boiled it down to the perfect two.

 

Watterson: Yes…

 

Joe: On one hand, I think you could be giving me a promotion for my six years of hard work and loyal service to your inspiring corporation. On the other hand, I think you could be firing me for all the sleeping, personal calls, extended breaks, and total lack of work ethic I’ve displayed during my six years of hard work and loyal service to your inspiring corporation.

 

Watterson: Bingo.

 

Joe: So…which hand is it?

 

Watterson: The second one.

 

Joe: The second one… And that one was…

 

Watterson: The one where you get fired.

 

Joe: Oh, for all the…

 

Watterson: Sleeping, personal calls…

 

Joe: Personal calls…

 

Watterson: Long distance personal calls…

 

Joe: So, I’m…

 

Watterson: You’re fired.

 

Joe: Fired. Just like that?

 

Watterson: Just like that.

 

Joe: Nothing I can-

 

Watterson: Not a thing.

 

Joe: Get you a coffee…

 

Watterson: Nothing.

 

Joe: Paint your shed.

 

Watterson: Joe…

 

Joe: I know where you live, Mr. Watterson! You’ve got that really long driveway that leads to your giant mansion with all the trees where no one could hear you if you were screaming for dear life.

 

Watterson: What?

 

Joe: Nothing.

 

Watterson: Pack your things, Joe.

 

Joe: Come on! There’s gotta be something I can do! Anything?

 

Watterson: I’m sorry, but… (thinks of something) Hm. Actually, there might be something. But, trust me, this is no easy task.

 

Joe: I don’t care. I’ll do anything, sir. Anything at all. You want a guy shanked in parking lot no questions asked? I’m your man. I’m that guy.

 

Watterson: Joe.

 

Joe: I’m just saying. I’m just letting you know how far I’d go for this corporation. That’s all. Murder in cold blood. Not against it.

 

Watterson: I want you to look at something. (Joe comes to him and he pulls out his wallet. He looks through it as Joe watches intently) Now where is this thing? I know it’s back here someplace… Ah. Here it is. (pulls out a picture and shows Joe)

 

Joe: Oh my- Oh my God! What is-? Is that a person? That’s a person! That is a hideously grotesque person! It’s like somebody took the love child of Quasimodo and Barbara Walters and dropped it in a deep fryer!

 

Watterson: This is Jillian. My daughter.

 

Joe: (freaks out and regains composure) Did I say deep fryer? What I meant to say was…was… Even Adolf Hiltler wouldn’t deserve to be cursed with such an unholy spawn. (seriously concerned) What did you do?

 

Watterson: I can’t for the life of me figure it out, Joe. I lived an honest life. Love my wife with all my heart. Built a kitchenware empire from scratch. Followed all six commandments…

 

Joe: There are ten commandments, sir.

 

Watterson: Not if you’re rich. (pause) She has a heart of gold, my little girl. She’s kind. Generous. But no one’s ever given her a chance because of her…

 

Joe: Rabid hyena face.

 

Watterson: Seeing her spending every night locked in her room breaks this old man’s heart. So much to offer. So alone. She needs companionship. A gentleman to take her out at night.

 

Joe: (begins to realize) Wait a second…Mr. Watterson, you can’t be thinking what I think you’re-

 

Watterson: She longs for a man’s touch!

 

Joe: Ah! But she’s- Mr. Watterson! Please. I will take the life of another human being for you. I just got this sweet sword from ebay and…

 

Watterson: Just one date. That’s all I ask for.

 

Joe: Just one date.

 

Watterson: That’s all. Just a little something to make her feel like a woman.

 

Joe: Just one date.

 

Watterson: Maybe take her out to eat.

 

Joe: With all due respect Mr. Watterson, the last thing myself or any patrons unlucky enough to be dining at whichever restaurant we’d choose will be thinking of is eating with that (points at the picture) in the room. I was thinking somewhere dark. Like a movie theatre or a garage.

 

Watterson: A movie will do. And a kiss. (Joe is about to protest) I’ll double your pay.

 

Joe: A kiss…

 

Watterson: On the cheek.

 

Joe: (examines the picture) The cheek. (whimpers)

 

Watterson: Son, are you crying?

 

Joe: (crying) No! I just need a little air is all. Or some water or- or something…something…

 

Watterson: One more thing.

 

Joe: Oh great!

 

Watterson: I’m not getting any younger and I’ve always been quite fond of the idea of grandchildren so I’m going to need you to have sexual intercourse with her. I’ll quadruple your pay. And nothing too romantic. Just enough to get the job done. You’ll have no responsibility to the child, of course, so-

 

Joe: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold it for a second. Just- whew- hold it. (stands up straight) When I first found out I had to take your ugly a*s daughter out on a date I thought to myself, “Joseph Steinman, you’re gonna take one for the team. For the corporation. And that’s fine.” When you said I had to kiss her, sure I had my reservations, but they’re only lips. I’ve had plenty of strange things touch these lips. I mean, that’s what college is all about, right? But the moment I am pushed to having sex with the creature hot forgot is the moment I draw the line. Good day to you, Mr. Watterson. I quit! (exits)

 

Watterson: (pressing a button on his telephone) Stella. You can send in the next one. (holds the picture) And, by the way, this idea was your best one yet.

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Rachel]

AHHH! I love it!

[mirui]

This was hillarious- great job.