UNconventional

In my 15th play, I decided to once again take the comic route as a group of actors refuse to put on the show they have been rehearsing for months.

 

“Vern's Solstice”

UNconventional!

by

Trystin S. Bailey

 

CHARACTERS

Ignacius Belvedere

Frank Owens

Teddie Alvero

Flip Wilson

Joe Kazinski

Jennifer Allen

Candy Carr

Milo Hildebrandt

 

-PLAY BEGIN-

The play opens to a set consisting of two separate scenes. The majority of the stage is taken up by the Living Room and the rest a simple boy's bedroom. The time period is the fifties.

 

At the start of the play the lights are dim except for a spot shining down upon IGNACIUS, 60, a portly fellow with an air of refined snobbery in dress pants and an argyle vest. In the front row of the audience sits FRANK, 22, trying his best to remain inconspicuous and failing miserably at it. His style of dress is in agreement with the time period. TEDDIE, 27, a pretty woman in that grungy sort of way, sits near the middle of the audience in street clothes, notably suffering from some sort of intoxication. Lastly is FLIP, 35, a blatant metrosexual who dresses nearly two decades younger than his actual age, sits comfortably near the back of the audience, also in street clothes. Teddie and Flip blend in seamlessly with the audience while Frank's unease should only somewhat blow his cover as something more than a paying viewer. CANDY, 19, is a young attractive impressionable usher who is actually an usher who happens to have lines in this play also. JENNIFER, 22, sits near front and center of the audience. She is subtly pretty and is equipped with a notebook and pen which she uses to write notes on the performance.

 

Ignacius: Autumn on Vermilion Way was neither prosperous nor particularly dismal for the middle class families which lined its well-lit streets. Leaves of emerald now shone fiery orange, velvet burgundy, and glistening gold, adding a splash of color to the otherwise aesthetically desireless neighborhood. Like Spring, the Autumn season brought with it the seeds of change. But whereas Spring ushered in life and bounty the only change Autumn could offer was the biting chill of lingering death. The year was 1953, and the abysmal effects of the season were especially felt by a boy of sixteen by the name of Vernon White. (Ignacius gestures to the bed, obviously perplexed as to the reason it is empty) Um...Yes. Vernon White had lost his father in the second world war and his mother had died of pnuemonia not a year before this very day. An aunt was generous enough to welcome him into her home, but no matter how much love she poured down upon him, the darkness that consumed young Vernon was far too much. His vile disposition placed him at constant odds with his younger cousins, whom he shared the house with, as well as his fellow classmates who picked at him relentlessly out of fear more than anything. Were Vernon to continue down this path he would no doubt become an ax murderer, presidential assassin, or reclusive bomb-craftsman. (Ignacius moves toward the bed, facing out to the audience) Fortunately, fate had other plans in mind. For on this night, while Vernon lay in his bed, fearing the nightmares brought forth by his slumber, he was visited by an old man with intentions most... (looks at the empty bed, confused and fearful)...peculiar. (Ignacius looks around) Um...Ah. Vernon White, sleeping in bed. (Clears his throat) A boy of sixteen. Vernon. Ver-non. Vern, as his friends called him...or would call him...if he had friends. (pause, with more nervous intensity) Where is that boy? I... (Frank lets out an accidental yelp) I... (He lets out another, louder this time) I... (Ignacius notices Frank in the audience, nearly falling out of his seat) Fra- I-I mean, Vernon! What are you doing out there?!

 

Frank: Well, I was... You see-! I-it's...everyone...they told me. I-I-I...

 

Teddie: We're not doin' the show, Gramps.

 

Ignacius: (gasps) Teddie...

 

Teddie: Right you are, you geriatric sow. (she stumbles down to the stage as she speaks, rudely passing fellow audience members) Excuse me. Excuse me. Move. Get out of my way! Excuse me. Excuse me... (to Ignacius) Consider us officially on strike.

 

Ignacious: Strike?! B-but why would you do such a thing? We've been working on this piece for nearly five months, putting our blood and sweat into making a show to the best of our combined abilities. It's so...unprofessional.

 

Flip: (speaking loudly at first, so as to gather everyone's attention. He is holding a magazine) Why would we do such a thing, you ask? Why is the sky blue? Where does a circle start? How does Keanu Reeves keep getting work? One of many of life's imponderables...

 

Frank: I-it's Rayleigh scattering...

 

Flip: Come again...

 

Frank: Rayleigh Scattering. The light from the sun hits the elements of our atmosphere and due to its wavelength it scatters the color blue, absorbing all other colors, as it passes through them.

 

Flip: Hm. Alright then.

 

Ignacius: I am sorry, but I cannot allow this sort of lunacy and disrespect! As the old hands used to say, the show must go on! Now everyone, places. Frank, get in bed. Teddie, Flip, put on your costumes for Christ's sake.

 

Flip: Teddie?

 

Teddie: 'Sup?

 

Flip: Find me some rope.

 

Teddie: Whatever. (exits) (there is the sound of shears cutting and then one of the upstage curtains drops to the stage. Teddie enters with rope and moves to Flip) Here ya go.

 

Flip: (grabs one end) Excellent. (moves toward Ignacius) Give me a hand with this, will you Teddie?

 

Teddie: K.

 

Ignacius: What the-? (Flip and Teddie proceed to tie him up to a chair in the living room) This is entirely unorthodox! A travesty! Ouch. Do you people know who I am?! I am Ignacius F. Belvedere! I graduated from Juliard at the top of my class! I'm EQUITY!!! (they finish tying him up) You're not getting away with this! (calls offstage) Maybelle! Sam! Tracy! Bernard!

 

Flip: They're gone.

 

Ignacius: Gone?

 

Flip: Gone. All of them. The rest of the cast, prop runners, scene shifters, make-up...mistresses. Gone.

 

Ignacius: But how...?

 

Flip: I paid them off. One of the boundless benefits of being ridiculously wealthy.

 

Teddie: Does anyone hear a really loud howling noise or is it just me?

 

(silence)

 

Flip: (to Ignacius) Earlier you asked what drove me to do what I have done? The answer is simple, really. I did it as an act of protest. From the minute to set foot in this theater, our director has failed to acknowledge me for the talent I am. No private dressing room or baskets of French breakfast pastries. I am a celebrity! My fifteen years on the hit soap opera The Shallow and The Indisposed redefined the genre. (gestures toward the audience) See these people? They are here for me! Flip Wilson! Superstar!

 

Candy: I love you, Flip!

 

Flip: Thanks, babe. (to Ignacius) Not to mention this sorry excuse for a script we've been forced to work with. Vern's Solstice? Some pile of s**t about a manic depressive boy who sees the future? How this Trystin Bailey weasels his way into notoriety is beyond me, the no-talent hack. If you ask me, he should've stopped writing after Barbed Wire Oak. And those are my reasons for refusing to do this play.

 

Ignacius: What about you, Frank? You seemed like such a promising young actor to me...

 

Frank: (hopeful) Really? (doubtful) Well...I...last night my g-girlfriend broke up with me a-and I was, I am, so upset that I just don't think I could do this show right now even though this will probably ruin any chance of a career I'll ever have.

 

Ignacius: (sighs) And you. Teddie?

 

Teddie: I'm just really hungover.

 

Flip: See?! Three equally valid reasons!

 

Joe: (JOE, 43, a pudgy balding bumbling man in all back and wearing a headset, enters) What is going on here?! Why the hell- (he notices the audience) Uh...I...

 

Flip: Joe Kazinski, everyone. Our lovable stage manager, no doubt out for a smoke or shoving his face with any of an assortment of prepackaged Tastykake products. What's up, Joe?

 

Joe: (eyes locked on the audience) You...you shouldn't be doing this! We could lose our jobs!

 

Flip: Teddie...

 

Teddie: Alright. (she exits, another curtain falls upstage, and she enters with rope, and wraps him up with it)

 

Joe: Hey now! Stop that. Hey. Come on...

 

Teddie: (she ties him up and escorts him offstage) Let's go, Joe. (enters) Cool.

 

Ignacius: Unbelievable.

 

Flip: Quiet, Iggy. We're in charge now.

 

Ignacius: And what exactly to you intend to do with your newfound power? There is an entire audience here who were led to believe that they were seeing an authentic Trystin Bailey play.

 

Flip: False. They came here for me and here I am.

 

Candy: Wooo!

 

Flip: Thank you. But, yes, they must be entertained... Hm. I've got it! I will wow you with an excerpt from the part that made me a household name. My premiere role on the small screen.

 

Ignacius: You don't mean...

 

Flip: Yes! Spokesperson for Swanson's Secret Series Soap commercial. Hold on. Let me get into character. (Takes a few deep breaths and then mimes showering) Oh, hey there. I didn't see you...there. Come on in, the water's fine. But before you come in you have to promise me something. Promise me that while I'm scrubbing you down with Swanson's newest body wash you won't tell your friends about the moisturizing beads, pore cleansing bubbles, and Swanson's patented wrinkle removing gel. Shh! It's our little secret. (uses his “announcer” voice) Secret. A Swanson and Swanson Soap. Shh! (bows) End scene.

 

Candy: (claps furiously) Amazing, Flip! Wonderful!

 

Teddie: (laughs) I remember those commercials. Shh! It's a secret. Haha

 

Flip: It feels good to revisit one's roots from time to time. I find it keeps you humble. (he picks up his magazine and reads it. There is a picture of him on the cover) I am so beautiful.

 

Ignacius: Is that it? Is that all you've got to show your fans?

 

Flip: Of course not! Um...Ah, yes! How about a little improvisation? Teddy? Come here for a second, will you?

 

Teddie: (out of it) Wha?

 

Flip: Come here, Teddie.

 

Teddie: Fine, fine.

 

Flip: (to audience) Now, one of you will pick an animal or celebrity or what have you and Teddy here will do a spot on impersonation!

 

Teddie: Wha, huh? We never had to do this in community theater.

 

Flip: It's easy. (to audience) Now, who has a suggestion? (a bit of improv here. An audience member gives a response and Flip repeats the response to Teddie. Teddie then shouts “I am [whatever the audience member said]!” while tripping over herself and giving a terrible, but vaguely accurate interpretation) Wonderful! Wonderful! Let's have another. (he gets another answer and, after a pause for thought, Teddie shouts “I am [whatever the audience member said]!” and goes through the EXACT same motions as she did for the first suggestion, putting no energy into interpreting this new thing, then collapses to her chair)

 

Teddie: The howling's back.

 

Flip: Let's give Teddie a hand, folks.

 

Ignacius: Incredible.

 

Flip: You shut up. Now, what can we-

 

Teddie: Yo, Flippy...

 

Flip: Yes?

 

Teddie: I've got a mad case of the munchies right now and was wondering if we could take a quick chip intermission or something?

 

Flip: Works for me.

 

Teddie: Cool.

 

Flip: Come on, Frank. Want anything, Iggs? (silence) O-kay. (he and Teddie exit)

 

Ignacius: (Frank starts to exit but is stopped by Ignacius) Franklin. Why are you doing this?

 

Frank: I-

 

Ignacius: You are better than them. You can still set things right.

 

Frank: I...I don't know-

 

Ignacius: You were cast into an off-off Broadway play a month out of college. Your future can still be bright. Your talent, undeniable. Untie me, Frank. We can set things straight...together.

 

Frank: W-we can... It's just after Samantha left me-

 

Ignacius: Untie me!

 

Frank moves toward Ignacius and places his hands on the ropes.

 

Flip: (offstage) Frank! Get down here!

 

Frank: (startled) Coming! (exits)

 

Ignacius: Frank, no! (to audience) I am truly sorry. Had I known that this was the sort of rabble I was signing up for those months ago...Well, that's neither here nor there. The show must go on. Now, when last I spoke to you, young Vernon was to be visited by his future self, played by your truly, an old man sometimes dark and vile and other times mild and joyous so as to symbolize the two possible paths Vern could take. I transported Vernon, played by Frank, to his future where hundreds of weeping people mourned for him at a lavish funeral. Then he was taken to a ditch in the middle of the forest where someone he had wronged had discarded his maggot-defiled body in another life. When Vernon asked what he possibly could have done to have suffered such an end, my character escorted him back to a mere two years into his future, to his senior year in high school, when he met a gang of schoolyard brutes who would shape his destiny in the worst of ways.

 

Flip: (enters, holding a bag of chips) We have returned. I hope you didn't miss us too much.

 

Teddie: (enters, carrying multiple bags of chips and pretzels and candies. She drops the bags onto her chair and gives Ignacius a noogie) Noogie! Haha. (Frank walks in, nursing a candy bar, then sits in a corner, depressed)

 

Flip: What'd we miss?

 

Ignacius: I was merely using the time to catch the audience up with the plot of Vern's Solstice. Perhaps you've heard of it.

 

Teddie: Boring.

 

Flip: (to audience) I'm sorry you had to go through that. Let's move on to- (notices Frank) Frank, get over here! I'm going to need you for the next routine.

 

Frank: Do it without me. I'm not really in the mood right now.

 

Flip: Oh, is this about that Samantha girl? Come on, man. She's old news. You're with me now. You're a good looking guy. I can hook you up with one of my supermodel friends that'll make you forget that chick of yours ever existed!

 

Frank: No. Thanks. I just...need some time to heal.

 

Teddie: Come 'ere, Franky. Come 'ere. Come on. Here boy. Herrrre, Franky. (whistles)

 

Frank: What do you want?

 

Teddie: I wanna tell you a story. Now come 'ere. (Franky stands up and goes to her) Now sit on my lap. (Frank sits on the floor beside her) We all know what it's like to have our hearts broken. Isn't that right, guys?

 

Ignacius: Yes. / Flip: Not really.

 

Teddie: Take my last boyfriend, for example. What a f*****g d********g this guy was. I met him at a rave my friend D.J. Fetch threw at a landfill in Connecticut. I had just got done taking some kiss-a*s 'shrooms my man Splicer had just dipped in some poison dart frog poison and I was seeing dragons and flying saucers and s**t and, like, then I met Mark. We started making out and then one thing led to another and we fucked on the back of a rusty fridge and fell asleep. The next morning we decided to, like, go out. So we're going on for like three days and he brings his friend Boneplug in from Delaware or something and asked if he could f**k with us and I'm like, sure, and so we did and it was cool. Then Mark loses his job and asks if he can live with me until he gets back on his feet, which was fine. Boneplug moves in, too, so, lot's of three-ways. We get fucked up all the time, I'm paying their credit card bills, life is good. Then I wake up one morning to Boneplug plugging his bone into my Mark over the bathroom sink while mark is brushing his teeth and I scream and kick them both out of my house. Can you believe the nerve of some people? Mark was brushing his teeth with my toothbrush! Some s**t is too disgusting to be forgivable.

 

(There is a long spell of silence)

 

Flip: I- (pause) Wow.

 

Ignacius: Hm.

 

Flip: I mean, wow.

 

Teddie: Unforgivable.

 

Flip: (thinks) Hm. (snaps) I've got it! Come with me, Frank. (helps Frank to his feet and brings him downstage) (to Freddie) Wow. (to audience) It has dawned on me that I can kill at least five birds with one stone in a single fell swoop. Tell me, audience, what do people love more than anything else in the world?

 

Candy: You, Flip!

 

Flip: I'm not going to say you're incorrect. Not what I was going for, but not incorrect. What people love today are live entertainment, reality television, and watching other people's struggles flaunted for all the world to see. (takes the couch from the living room and drags it downstage) This is why I have decided to do something a little...selfless for our next segment. (pushes Teddie from her chair)

 

Teddie: Hey!

 

Flip: (takes chair upstage) Frank, have a seat please. (Frank sits) Good. (to audience) I'm going to need a few unwilling volunteers. Hm. No. No. Nope. Nuh uh. I'll get back to you. You. (picks out a girl roughly the same age of Frank) Take a seat on the couch. And...you. (picks another) have a seat on the couch, please. And, last but not least...you. (and another) The couch, ma'am. (Now this and the following section will involve a decent amount of improv, as the audience may not be compliant, so be ready. Once the three women are chosen and seated, Flip continues) (to audience) Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Find Frank a Female, hosted by me, The Shallow and The Indisposed's own Flip Wilson! (Candy screams) Now, my lovely lasses, I am going to ask you a few questions and then Frank will choose which of you will be his new girlfriend!

 

Frank: What!

 

Ignacius: Ugh!

 

Flip: First, let's find out our courtiers' names. (Flip has them say their names) Wonderful. Contestant number one, what is your favorite type of sandwich to share with a significant other and why? (she answers, Flip comments) Contestant number two, describe to me the order in which you go grocery shopping for a romantic dinner for two? (she answers, Flip comments) Contestant number three, if you could die in any violent manner with your lover what would it be and why? (she answers, Flip comments) Thank you, ladies. Frank sure has a tough choice ahead of him. So, young lover, who will it be?

 

Frank: What? No one! This is insane! I dated Samantha for five years! I can't just replace her like she was nothing! I'm a human being with human feelings and (notices Jennifer in the audience) I'm in love.

 

Flip, Teddie, and Ignacius: What?

 

Frank: (gazes at Jennifer, who is diligently scribbling away at her notepad) Never before have I seen a creature who took my breath away as much as she does. Look at her, that long auburn hair, sparkling like the sun. The sweater vest and glasses that scream intelligence beyond her youthful years. I am smitten. I am overcome.

 

Teddie: I am beginning to understand why Samantha left him in the first place.

 

Flip: (to the ladies) Take a seat, ladies. Show's over. (Flip makes sure they are heading back to their seats) Let's give these ladies a hand, huh? (to Frank) Frank...

 

Frank: I must know her name. (to Jennifer) Excuse me. Girl with the notebook? (she looks up) What is your name? (she points to herself) Yes, you, my Aphrodite incarnate. What is it that the gods saw fit to call you?

 

Jennifer: Jennifer...

 

Frank: Ah, how it rolls off the tongue.

 

Jennifer: Look, I'm here because I drew the short straw and have to write an article for my college paper because real news was slow and you, being an alumni, had at least a mundane nostaligic sort of value.

 

Frank: Y-you're writing an article...about me?

 

Flip: (laughs anxiously) About him?

 

Jennifer: Yes, and might I add you really botched up the only opportunity for success your otherwise drab life will ever know.

 

Flip: About him?

 

Jennifer: Believe it or not, Mr. Wilson, there are still factions of the world who have fought the ever-present urge to revolve around you.

 

Flip: (to Frank) I don't think she's right for you.

 

Teddie: Does anyone want pizza? I'm gonna call for pizza. (dials on her cell phone and walks upstage)

 

Frank: Would you like to maybe catch a bite to eat with me sometime?

 

Ignacius: Flip, listen to me, please. There is still time to set things right. Whatever you meant to accomplish is obviously going nowhere so why not sweep this under the symbolic carpet and move on?

 

Jennifer: Nnnope.

 

Teddie: Yeah, I'll have three large pizzas. One with ham and pineapple, one with mushrooms and bacon, and the third, anchovies and hot peppers.

 

Flip: Going nowhere? I'm just getting warmed up.

 

Frank: A walk in the park?

 

Ignacius: Dear God.

 

Teddie: Ugh. Hold on. (to her fellow actors) Does anyone know the address?

 

Flip and Jennifer: No.

 

Teddie: Iggy?

 

Ignacius: Ignacius.

 

Frank: Facebook chat?

 

Teddie: Huh?

 

Ignacius: My name is Ignacius. I find nicknames demeaning.

 

Teddie and Jennifer: Forget it.

 

Teddie: Frank, the address.

 

Frank: 124 West 23^rd Street. (to Jennifer) Jennifer...

 

Ignacius: Flip...

 

Teddie: 124 West 23^rd Street. Yup. Bye.

 

Flip: I can't hear you...

 

Frank: Jennifer...

 

Ignacius: Flip!

 

Flip and Jennifer: I'm ignoring you.

 

Ignacius and Frank: But-!

 

Flip and Jennifer: Ignoring.

 

Teddie: Thirty minutes. I'll set my alarm.

 

Joe: (enters, half-tied with rope) AH HA!

 

Flip: Teddie...

 

(Teddie begins to retie Joe)

 

Joe: Before you tie and gag me I just want you to know- (notices audience and freezes) Uh... Um...

 

Teddie: Let's go... (almost pushes him offstage)

 

Joe: THE DIRECTOR'S COMING! (everyone gasps) (Teddie kicks Joe offstage) Ah!

 

Ignacius: Oh my!

 

Frank: My God!

 

Flip: God, no! I've come too far to be thwarted by that sick and vile creature. If Trystin's writing is bad (which it is) then the direction of Milo Hildebrandt is beyond forgiveness. With all of his consistent corrective notes and problems with my impromptu blocking and lines, never has someone stunted my creative growth as he! And don't think I've forgotten about the private dressing room and basket of pastries because I haven't! Milo Hildebrandt is a demon in a dead-beat dad's robes and I long to see his face when he gazes upon what I have done to his suckling babe. But then again. Were he to stumble upon my show he might pull the plug, as it were. Gasp. I cannot let that happen when I've come so far. (pause) Ah! I've got it! We will hop into costume and, upon Milo's arrival, make it seem as though his remedial masterpiece went off without a hitch. Oh, Flip Wilson, you are an entertainment god. (another pause) Teddie, get our costumes. Frank, get into character. (Teddie runs offstage and Frank begins to do a bunch of odd breathing exercises) Ignacius, what scene would we be in?

 

Ignacius: I-, Well, our lack of a cast will certainly limit which scenes we would be able to do. But...perhaps the scene where Vern meets the first potential love of his life.

 

Flip: Fine. Whatever. (clothes thrown to him from offstage) Thanks.

 

(When he starts dressing Candy climbs on stage. Flip's costume is the garb of a 50's greaser)

 

Candy: Excuse me, Flip? Is this a bad time?

 

Flip: (pause) Yes?

 

Candy: Anyway, I just wanted to say how much of a fan I am of your work and, I know I'm, like, just an usher, but I was wondering if you would sign my shirt sleeve?

 

Flip: Sure. I've always got time for my fans.

 

Ignacius: Dear Lord.

 

Candy: (hands Flip a marker) Write it out to Candy Carr.

 

Flip: Candy Carr...here you go.

 

Candy: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! This is like the greatest day of my life, oh my God!

 

Flip: Great. Now go away. (she backs off) Wait, usher, I'm going to need you to keep watch for the director. Can you do that?

 

Candy: (overtly confident) Yes I can! (starts toward an entrance) Should I give a signal?

 

Flip: Sure.

 

Candy: Like “He's here” or “CAW-CAWWWW!!!”?

 

Flip: Surprise me. (to the others) Are we ready?

 

Ignacius: Yes.

 

Teddie: (offstage, discouraged) Yeah.

 

Frank: (by this point he has moved on to a number of odd stretches) Just have to loosen my adductor longus...And done.

 

Flip: Great. Places everyone.

 

(Frank runs to the bed, slips on a nightgown, and gets under the covers. Ignacius stands over him. Flip exits)

 

Frank: (to Jennifer) Wish me luck!

 

Jennifer: No.

 

Candy: C**K-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO!!!

 

(MILO, 45, a thin, crooked and lavishly dressed man, enters with a look of disdain that seems to be permanently etched across his face. The moment he arrives the actors begin their show. As they do, Milo paces all over the place, his narrow glare set on the action on stage, his reactions large)

 

Ignacius/Old Vern: (gently taps him) Vernon. Vernon, my boy. Wake up. Wake up, Vernon.

 

Frank/Vern: (groans)

 

Old Vern: Come now. There's more to see.

 

Vern: Cut out, pops. Can't you see I'm trying to get some shut-eye?

 

Old Vern: There's more to see. Get out of bed.

 

Vern: Geez. (gets out of bed) What're you gonna show me this time? A birthday party without presents? A bad grade at school that turns the rest of my life to s**t.

 

Old Vern: Watch your mouth.

 

Vern: Buzz off.

 

Old Vern: What I will show you tonight, Vernon, is a glimpse of what could possibly be the best thing that will ever happen to you. (he helps Vern out of his nightgown and leads him to the living room)

 

Vern: What-

 

Old Vern: Wait for it. (there is a knock at the door) Aren't you going to answer it?

 

Vern: Sure. (carefully moves to the door, opens it. Teddie stand in the doorway, dressed like a primped and proper schoolgirl of the time period, carrying text books. Vern is smitten) Oh...

 

Old Vern: This is Noreen Templeton. She'll transfer to your high school next year and, upon laying eyes on you, fall instantly in love.

 

Vern: (to Old Vern) Now we're talkin'... (to Noreen, entranced) Uh...Hiya, Noreen.

 

Teddie/Noreen: (her acting skills her mental state ever-so-slightly) Hiya, Vernon.

 

Vern: Hiya, Noreen.

 

Noreen: (giggles) I brought the books for Mr. Fredrick's class so we could study for the test tomorrow.

 

Vern: Neat.

 

Noreen: Are you nervous?

 

Vern: Huh?!

 

Noreen: (giggles) For the test.

 

Vern: Nah, t'should be easy.

 

Noreen: Well, you do get some of the highest marks in the whole class. Thanks for letting me study with you.

 

Vern: Sure. No problem-o. (takes her books) H-here, let me take these. (gestures toward couch) You can sit, if you like.

 

Noreen: Oh, thank you. (sits)

 

Vern: Can I get you something to drink? Water? Lemonade? The milkman just delivered a bottle fresh this morning?

 

Noreen: No, thank you.

 

Vern: You sure? I might get myself a glass.

 

Noreen: I'll have whatever you're having then.

 

(Vern exits, winking at Old Vern as he does. Noreen spreads out the books and opens one to a specific page. She opens up her notebook and examines the living room, dreamily. Vern turns with two glasses of lemonade)

 

Vern: Here you go.

 

Noreen: Thank you.

 

Vern: So, (sits) what are we looking at here?

 

Noreen: Quadratic equations.

 

Vern: Oh. Tough customer.

 

Noreen: (giggles) You're tellin' me.

 

Vern: Okay. Let's look at number four. You have to separate all the like exponents like...this. See? Then you add them together... Watch that negative!

 

Noreen: Oh!

 

Vern: They can be tricky sometimes. Now divide the four from both sides and...

 

Noreen: X equals seven!

 

Vern: Perfect!

 

Noreen: I did it!

 

Vern: You did. See? They're not that bad.

 

Noreen: Or maybe I just have a great teacher.

 

Vern: Maybe. What's next?

 

Noreen: Vern?

 

Vern: Yeah, Noreen?

 

Noreen: I don't mean to be so forward but...I think you're...swell.

 

Vern: Really? (Noreen nods) Well...I- (to Jennifer) I think your pretty swell yourself.

 

Noreen: (giggles) Y-you do?

 

Vern: Say, Noreen, what if we put this math work off for a few hours and skip down to the ice cream parlor and...share a malt?

 

Noreen: I'd like that.

 

Vern: Me too. (extends his hand to Noreen and she takes it. They make it to the front door) Ladies first.

 

Noreen: (giggles) Does this mean we're going steady?

 

Vern: I think it does. (Noreen exits and Vern is about to follow, but Old Vern slams the door shut) What's your problem, man?

 

Old Vern: You've seen all you needed to see.

 

Vern: I beg to differ...

 

Old Vern: Let us now approach this same scene from a different angle.

 

Vern: Angle? What angle?

 

Flip: (knocks on the door then enter) What's buzzin', cousin? (he plops down on the couch)

 

Vern: Ronny again? I get it. Peer pressure. Life of drugs and violence. We went through this scenario.

 

Old Vern: True, involving yourself with one such as him will create dire ripples in your future, but this time we're going to discover in what ways your life decisions will affect those other than yourself.

 

Flip/Ronny: That Noreen comin' over tonight to study?

 

Vern: You know it. (they high-five)

 

Ronny: That girl's got the hots for you and she's a real babe to boot.

 

Vern: Five minutes and we'll be locking lips on the couch. Fifteen...my bedroom.

 

(Ronny laughs. They high -five again. Vern answers the door. It's Noreen)

 

Noreen: Hiya, Vern.

 

Vern: Noreen, lookin' good. Come on in.

 

Ronny: Hi, Noreen.

 

Noreen: Hi, Ronny. Will you be studying with us?

 

Ronny: No, school ain't my thing. I'll leave you two to your business. (exits)

 

Vern: Take a seat, babe.

 

Noreen: Thank you.

 

Vern: Can I get you something to drink? The old lady keeps her whiskey under the sink.

 

Noreen: N-no, thank you. I don't drink...whiskey.

 

Vern: Your loss.

 

Noreen: (sits and opens the text book) I was thinking we could start with number for. Quadratic equations. I'm having some trouble with....

 

Vern: (closes the book) There'll be plenty of time for that later, babe. I wanna get to know you first. Personal, you know.

 

Noreen: (excited) You would?

 

Vern: I would. Starting with that pretty face of yours. (touches her face)

 

Noreen: (nervous) Vern...

 

Vern: Take off your peepers so I can see those beautiful eyes of yours.... Ah, there they are.

 

Noreen: I don't think...

 

Vern: Good. Thinking never got anybody anywhere. (places his hand on her thigh) Don't think I didn't notice the way you look at me in Mr. Fredrick's class. Truth is, I was looking right back. You're one sizzlin' piece of work and I want you real bad right now. Kiss me.

 

Noreen: Vern! Stop it!

 

Vern: (forces himself onto her, kissing her fiercely) Come on, Noreen. Don't be such a square. I know this is what you want. You can't fool me. Your lips taste so good.

 

Old Vern: Enough. (Vern is seemingly thrown off of Noreen and Noreen exits, closing the door behind her)

 

Vern: (darker than before, turns to Old Vern) The fun was just getting started.

 

Old Vern: That's one way of looking at it. (there is a knock at the door) Someone's at the door.

 

Vern: I noticed. (moves to the door)

 

Old Vern: Two months later.

 

Vern: Huh? (opens the door. Noreen is standing there, drenched from the rain) Noreen?

 

Noreen: I'm pregnant. (thunder strikes)

 

Vern: Who's the father?

 

Noreen: You're the father, Vern! There's nobody else! There was never anybody else!

 

Vern: What're you gonna do about it?

 

Noreen: I- I don't know. I came here so that maybe you...maybe we could figure out...

 

Vern: What's there to figure out? I sure as Hell don't want any kid. Get rid of it.

 

Noreen: Get rid...

 

Vern: What, am I speaking Chinese? Abortion.

 

Noreen: Never! I can't kill it! I just can't!

 

Vern: Then I don't care what you do. It ain't my problem. (Noreen glares at him for a time, goes out the door, then moves upstage and freezes. Ver collapses to the couch)

 

Old Vern: She goes home to tell her parents the news. Their reaction is similar to your own. Refusing to abort the child she is sent to the Sister's of Mercy refuge for “fallen women” where she is made to sew and clean religious robes throughout her pregnancy. When she does give birth to a beautiful baby boy, with your eyes, the nuns force her relentlessly to give the child up for adoption. She refuses again and again until one morning her son, a boy named Vern Jr., is missing from his cradle, most likely in the arms of some wealthy couple who made a large donation to the church. She wrote you forty-seven letters, pleading for you to rethink your stance on the issue. You read the first and threw the rest away upon reception. Noreen dies under the roof of the Sister's of Mercy, knowing nothing of the joy of freedom ever again.

 

Vern: She should've got rid of the thing, like I said.

 

Old Vern: Come with me. Next we will...

 

(Milo exits)

 

Candy: RRRRUFF! RUFF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!

 

Flip: (pokes his head out from backstage) The coast is clear.

 

Teddie: Thank God! (un-tucks her shirt and makes herself comfortable. Flip gestures for her to tie Ignacius up and she gets to it. Flip sits and pages through his magazine)

 

Ignacius: Oh really!

 

Teddie: (while tying) I thought that would never end. Anybody got a smoke?

 

Ignacius: (to Frank, whispers) Psst. Frank.

 

Frank: Yeah?

 

Ignacius: How did it feel to perform in front of an audience?

 

Frank: It...it felt...great.

 

Ignacius: It's still not too late to make things right. While you were performing I noticed the audience and they were rivetted.

 

Frank: They were?

 

Ignacious: Oh yes. Each one hanging on to your every word.

 

Frank: (awestruck) Even...Jennifer?

 

Ignacious: Especially Jennifer.

 

Frank: (to Jennifer) Is it true, my dearest?

 

Jennifer: You were alright.

 

Frank: (excited) (to Ignacius) We have to continue!

 

Ignacius: I agree, but the celebrity and the w***e mean to rob you of your stardom and your true love.

 

Frank: They do?

 

Ignacius: The true reason Flip didn't want this show to go on is obvious.

 

Frank: It is?

 

Ignacius: He is jealous of your pure talent.

 

Frank: He is?

 

Ignacius: Only we can set things right!

 

Frank: We must! (pause) But how?

 

Ignacius: Come closer. (He whispers into Frank's ear)

 

Flip: Ah, ha. How delightful. How endearing. “Has Flip Skipped?” is the name of the article. “Flip Wilson, eight-time Daytime Emmy nominee for his portrayal of the vile and manipulative Lark Cunningham on The Shallow and the Indisposed has reached the end of his contract...and the end of the line as Lark met his doom at the hands of his long-lost half sister who tampered with his breaks as an act of revenge for his ruining her chances at winning prom queen fifteen years prior. His scarce fan-base”- They must mean huge -”wonders if they will ever see Flip's face again.” (Frank exits in secret) Oh, know they nothing of how the soap world works. I take off for a year or so, then return as a humbled ghost or evil twin. Brady Casella, a far more competent director than mad Milo, will be calling me any day now to work out the specifics of my new contract.

 

Teddie: (looking at her cell phone) Can I, like, go home soon? My girl Sandy just called and scored some first-class weeeeed.

 

Flip: Do you sing, Teddie?

 

Teddie: Say what?

 

Flip: Sing. Sing! I feel that a musical number is in order.

 

Teddie: N-no, I reserve my singing for the showers...or acid trips. Or sex.

 

Flip: You are one classy lady, you know that?

 

Teddie: I've been called worse.

 

Flip: Come on. It's a well known fact that all community actors are singers that can't get a record deal. I'll even sing it with you.

 

Teddie: I said, no!

 

Flip: (to the soundboard) Techies, give us the musical outro from the end of Act One. (Music “Ain't We Got Fun” begins) That's it. (to Teddie) You know the words. Did I mention I've got a dime bag of the good stuff in my coat pocket in the back if you do me this solid-

 

Teddie:

Every morning!

Every evening!

Ain't we got fun

Not much money

Oh, but honey

Ain't we got fun

The rent's unpaid, dear

We haven't a bus

But smiles were made, dear

For people like us

 

Flip:

In the winter

In the summer

Don't we have fun

Times are bum and getting bummer

Still we have fun

There's nothing surer

The rich get rich and the poor get children

In the meantime

In between time

 

Teddie and Flip:

Every morning, every evening

Don't we got fun

 

Teddie:

Twins and cares, dear

 

Flip:

Come in pairs, dear

 

Teddie and Flip:

Don't we have fun

We've only started

As mommer and pop

Are we downhearted

I'll say that we're not

Landlords mad and getting madder

Ain't we got fun

Times are bad and getting badder

Still we have fun

There's nothing surer

The rich get rich and the poor get laid off

In the meantime

In between time

Ain't we got fun

 

(During the song, Frank sneaks away, returns with a knife, and cuts Ignacius free. Frank then gives Ignacius a small bag of something exits again. Ignacius pockets the bag then begins to tidy up the stage. At the song's end, Ignacius grabs Flip)

 

Flip: Hey!

 

Ignacius: Listen to me and listen good, you pompous so-and-so. The show will go on if I have to tie strings to your limbs and play you like a marionette. For too long have I suffered the ineptitudes of you non-equity roustabouts with your utter lack of respect for the honor and conventions of the theater. No more, I say! No more!

 

Flip: Teddie! Seize him!

 

(Teddie approaches, but Ignacius pulls out of the bag...of weed, and dangles it in front of her face)

 

Ignacius: Not so fasts, toots. I hold in my hand the marijuana promised you by this talentless hack.

 

Flip: Hack?!

 

Ignacius: Follow my every command and the prize shall be yours.

 

Flip: Ha, do you think the empty promise of a minor high will sway my comrade to your side?

 

Teddie: Well...

 

Flip: Oh, screw this. (Flip thrusts his head back and slams Ignacius in the face, thus knocking the other to the ground and breaking free. He snatches the bag from Ignacius' fingers and reasserts control) (to Teddie) Tie him up.

 

Joe: (enters with Frank) Not so fast, Flip Wilson!

 

Flip: F**k! Teddie!

 

Teddie: (pushes past Frank and shoves Joe offstage, she follows)

 

Frank: (rushes to Ignacius' side) Are you alright?

 

Flip: (to Teddie, offstage) Tie him up tighter this time! Tighter! Get the legs, make sure you get the legs. That's it. And the chest. Uh huh. The neck now. Oh...and gag him!

 

Teddie: Gag him? With what?!

 

Flip: I don't know! A sock or something!

 

Teddie: Where am I supposed to find a sock?!

 

Flip: On your f*****g foot!

 

Teddie: Ugh!

 

Flip: There you go. Now was that so hard? Now shove that sucker in his mouth. More. More! More! Mo-

 

(There is a “thud” heard offstage and everything goes silent. Horrified expressions take hold of Flip, Frank, and Ignacius' faces)

 

Teddie: (enters, still with terror) I think I just killed Joe.

 

Ignacius: Oh. Dear.

 

Frank: OhmyGodohmyGodofmyGodohmyGod...

 

Flip: Alright, let's all remain calm here.

 

Ignacius: Calm? Calm?! Do you understand what just happened here?

 

Teddie: I-I killed Joe...

 

Flip: Th-there's no need to worry. We can look past this and-

 

Ignacius: Are you seriously-?

 

Frank: Oh. My. God. OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod...

 

Flip: The show must go on!

 

Frank: I-I'm going to get help! I have to get help!

 

Teddie: (pulls out a gun on Frank) You're not going anywhere!

 

Flip and Ignacius: (gasp!)

 

Teddie: (to the audience) No one is. I've come too far to let this minor misshap set me back. Do you people know what it's like working in community theatre? Do you?! Surely, stumbling in on opening night and nursing a peyote buzz while sipping tequila from a McDonald's cup isn't frowned upon nearly as much as on the professional stage, but the luxuries end there. The favoritism! The director's Goddamned daughter, Brenda, getting all the parts made for me! It would drive a girl to drugs...and has! Look at me! I'm a f*****g mess and community theater is to blame!

 

Flip: I think that's the least of your problems, babe.

 

Teddie: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Iggy's right, you are nothing but a talentless hack, but I'm in control now. Yes. It's the Teddie Alvero show! (points the gun at Flip)

 

Flip: Your show. All yours. Please don't kill me.

 

Ignacius: Where did you get that gun exactly?

 

Teddie: The prop table.

 

Ignacius: Then it's not even loaded.

 

Teddie: (points the weapon at Ignacius) You wanna test that theory?

 

Ignacius: N-no thank you.

 

Candy: Um...excuse me?

 

Teddie: What is it you bleach blond bimbo?

 

Candy: Oh. Okay. That was mean. Well, it's just that it's time for intermission.

 

Teddie: (laughs) Are you kidding me?

 

Candy: I- No, I-

 

Teddie: This audience isn't going anywhere. I can't have them snitching on me.

 

Flip: I'm going to have to agree with Teddie on this one. If word of this leaks out, I might lose my “Swanson Soap” contract.”

 

Ignacius: Come now, already this audience has been deprived anything even remotely passing as entertainment. Are we also to deprive them of their right to use the bathroom, drink, smoke, and purchase show merchandise? Can we truly be that cruel?

 

Flip: Dude's got a point. My adoring fans deserve better than that.

 

Candy: Oh, Flip, you're so compassionate!

 

Flip: I am aware.

 

Candy: I'll keep watch for you. Make sure none of them step out of line.

 

Flip: Sounds good to me. (walks into the bedroom scene and picks up a baseball bat) Here take this. (gives the bat to Candy) Just in case. The the audience have their break. We'll reconvene in fifteen minutes, starting right where we left off. Sound good, everyone? (Teddie growls, Frank exhales, and Ignacius shakes his head) Great. (to audience) Enjoy your break, as it will probably be your last.

 

Candy: (harshly) Alright, you sorry meat-bags, you better not, like, try anything funny!

 

(INTERMISSION. Candy patrols, spurting out impromptu commands and comments to the audience members throughout. There is a point where Jennifer attempts to escape just before Intermission ends, but she is caught by Candy)

 

ACT TWO

 

(After the audience is seated, Teddie, Frank, Flip, and Ignacius return to the exact positions they were in at the end of Act One. Candy bursts in, holding Jennifer by the arm)

 

Candy: One of them tried to get away! I caught her though. (dumps her on the stage) Here ya go. (returns to house)

 

Frank: Jennifer?

 

Jennifer: (to Teddie) Do your worst!

 

Teddie: (points the gun at her) With pleasure...

 

Frank: NOOOO!!! (jumps between Jennifer and Teddie when the gun goes off. He collaspses to the ground, motionless. After a while he gets up) You were right, Iggy. It is a fake. (Teddie pistol-whips him) Ow!

 

Jennifer: (to Frank) Y-you, you risked your life for me. No one's ever done that before.

 

Frank: I would do anything for you...

 

Teddie: Oh, cut that out will you?!

 

Frank: I can't. I'm in love with an angel...

 

Teddie: (frenzied) I SAID CUT IT OUT!!! (she nearly collapses from the wieght of her madness and begins breathing heavily)

 

Frank: A-are you alright?

 

Teddie: I'm fine. I'm great. I just can't take you spewing all these lovey-dovey lies. Everyone knows that love is dead. That all men do is lie and cheat and use your toothbrush. You're not real. You can't be. You can't be...

 

Ignacius: (shares a look with Flip) (to Teddie, genuinely concerned) What's all this about?

 

Teddie: It's... I...

 

Candy: MEOW! MEW! MEW! MEOWWW!!!

 

Flip: You've got to be kidding me. Places everyone! Ignacius?

 

Ignacius: Act Two. Scene Two. Vern and Noreen reunion.

 

Flip: Got it.

 

Frank: Got it. (pushes Jennifer off the stage) Sorry.

 

(Flip exits and the other's take their positions. Milo enters)

 

Noreen: (takes Vern's hands into her own) It's been a rough road, Vern, what with my being accepted into college and all those other boys, but I just wanted to say...I love you more than ever.

 

Vern: Noreen, I-

 

Noreen: No, let me finish. In college I had to do a lot of things to be accepted by my professor's and my peers...things I regret. But during my heinous acts of sexuality all I could think about is you. When Professor Wilkins straddled me over the water fountain in the teacher's lobby or when the basketball team took me into the showers for some morale boosting exercises I pretended it was you. All you.

 

Vern: Well, gee, Noreen, that's real neat n' all, but-

 

Noreen: What, Verny? Tell me please! The suspense is killing me!

 

Vern: I'm in love with another woman.

 

Noreen: You're-

 

(Milo exits)

 

Candy: WALRUS! WALLLLLRUS! WAL-RUSSSS! (everyone gets out of character)

 

Flip: (enters) Walrus?

 

Candy: I didn't know what sound a walrus made.

 

Flip: Oh.

 

(Teddie aims gun at Frank)

 

Ignacius: That scene was strangely fitting to the matter at hand.

 

Teddie: Shut up! (to Frank) I've made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, it's true. And the foundation of a lot of those mistakes were my s****y choice in significant others. Men...men who used me and abused me and- and confused me into thinking that this is the life I deserved, they turned each of my orifices into a den of ill-repute, that nothing more would ever come to me. And I believed them for a long time. Then I meet you, so kind and good and pure, and you didn't treat me like some trailer trash hooker-druggie like the rest. You showed me compassion and understanding like no one else, and when I heard you'd broken up with your girlfriend I thought, “This is my chance,” but how could I even begin to make you want me? What could I possibly have to offer you that a million other girls couldn't offer a thousand times better? I love you, Franklin Owens.

 

(pause)

 

Frank: Um...you just killed a guy.

 

Jennifer: Frank...

 

Frank: It's alright, Jenny. I won't let her hurt you. (Teddie points gun at him) It's not a real gun! (Teddie pokes him with it) OW!

 

Ignacius: Let's all calm down and think-

 

Flip: -think of a way to sweep this entire ordeal under the carpet.

 

Ignacius: I don't think we can-

 

Flip: Of course we can! Celebrities murder people all the time. I'll just work some of my charm into the powers-that-be and you'll get off scott-free.

 

Candy: HISSSSSSSS! HISSSS! SNARL! HISSSSSSS!

 

Frank: Ah! (pushes Jennifer off the stage)

 

Flip: Ignacius...

 

Ignacius: Act Two. Scene Four. Ronny in the streets.

 

Flip: Ronny in the streets. Places!

 

Frank: No! Scene change!

 

Flip: S**t!

 

Ignacius: Scene change!

 

(Frank, Ignacius, Flip, and Teddie quickly begin shifting the set to a city sidewalk in the late sixties)

 

Frank: Flip, your costume!

 

Flip: S**t! (exits)

 

(They finish setting the set and Teddie exits. Flip re-enters, dressed as Ronny in homeless clothing, and sits on the curb, taking aswig from a bottle of whiskey in a paper bag. Old Vern and Vern walk along the sidewalk)

 

Milo: (enters) (to Candy) Was someone just hissing in here?

 

Candy: Nope.

 

Vern: Where're you taking me this time, old man. This whole night's turning into one long trip to dullsville.

 

Old Vern: The year is nineteen sixty-seven. By sticking to the path of triumph, you've got a wife, kids, and a steady job at your uncle's warehouse. Sadly, remnants of the past and reminders of what could have been never cease to give their harsh lessons.

 

Vern: (notices Ronny) Who is- Is that...?

 

Old Vern: Ronald Whitley the Third. Former high school tough-guy and your potential best friend of times gone by...

 

Ronny: (to Vern) Hey there, buddy, could you give a guy a dime?

 

Vern: Ronny.

 

Ronny: Who went and told you my name?

 

Vern: Don't you remember me, Ronny? It's Vern. Vern from high school.

 

Ronny: Vern? Well I'll be, it is you.

 

Vern: What happened to you?

 

Ronny: Life, Verny. Life happened.

 

Vern: I don't understand...you had everything.

 

Ronny: (laughs, then coughs) Girls n' wheels, ya mean. Yeah, I did alright in that respect. But when it came to my future, doing good in school, planning ahead...I couldn't've had less...n' here I am, Verny-boy. When it came to friendship, the real kind, establishing family, nobody failed worst than me. It was all about keeping up appearances and building up that outer shell that I never took the time to fill it up with nuthin'. I'm empty now. Got the shirt on my back n' not much more and ain't nobody to blame but me. Nobody to blame but me.

 

Vern: Well, I've gotta be on my way. The wife is making chicken casserole. It was good seeing you, Ronny. (starts to leave)

 

Ronny: Vern...

 

Vern: Yeah, Ronny?

 

Ronny: You got a spare dime?

 

Vern: (digs into his pocket) Here you go. (Throws him a dime) I hope things get better for you.

 

Ronny: Me too, Verny. Me too.

 

(Milo exits)

 

Candy: Um...er...um....BLAGGLE! DAGGLE! DAGGLE! DAGGLE! DOO!

 

Jennifer: (to Frank) Could you not push me again?

 

Frank: I will try my best, my love. (kisses her hand)

 

Teddie: (enters) Joe's still dead.

 

Flip: Well, damn it.

 

Ignacius: That's it! I am no longer going to be an accessory to this madness! I'm leaving.

 

Teddie: No, you're not!

 

Ignacius: Try and stop me, woman! (he and Teddie struggle)

 

Jennifer: Your friend is right, we have to get out of here.

 

Frank: Right. (Teddie tackles Ignacius to the bed and begins to smother him with a pillow) Oh God!

 

Teddie: You're dead, old man!

 

Flip: Teddie! (Flip pulls Teddie from Ignacius) This is very counterproductive. (Teddie punches Flip in the face) Agh! My eye!

 

Candy: FLIP!!! (Candy runs to Flip's side)

 

Frank: (takes Jennifer by the hand) Let's get out of here!

 

Flip: My beautiful emerald eye!

 

Teddie: I don't think so. (Teddie grabs hold of Frank's wrist, and pulls him center stage)

 

Jennifer: (rushes to free Frank) Oh, no you don't!

 

(All characters on stage engage in a big mess of a confused battle sequence. Milo enters slowly, shocked at what he sees, unnoticed by all)

 

Milo: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! (everyone freezes and turns to face Milo)

 

(silence, then all the characters try to splurt out their stories at once)

 

Milo: QUIET! (to Frank) What is going on here?

 

Frank: Y-your asking...me?

 

Milo: That's right. You've got the most to lose from lying to me.

 

Frank: Ah. Well. Hm. We...we went on...and Flip...he wanted to...um...

 

Flip: (steps toward Milo) Allow me. In rebellion against your less-than-satisfactory directorship, I organized a strike. It was my intention to give the audience what they came for...me. We would pretend the show was going off without a hitch whenever you entered, you know, to keep the strike alive. Then Teddie took some rope and went and choked...

 

Milo: Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! You decided to strike on opening night?!

 

Flip: Yup. Sent a bunch of the other actors home...

 

Ignacius: I never wanted this to happen, Milo! Had I had the slightest inkling...

 

Frank: I'm so so sorry! Everything happened so fast... I'm so naive!

 

Milo: In all my twenty-seven years I have NEVER been so humiliated, so infuriated, so...

 

Candy: Joe's dead.

 

Milo: Come again? (no one says anything) (to Frank) What is the usher yammering on about?

 

Frank: Well...what happened was...um...Oh God...

 

Jennifer: He had no part in any of it! Frank's innocent! Innocent!

 

Milo: Who the Hell are you?!

 

Jennifer: Jennifer Reeves. Reporter. And Frank's new girlfriend. (points to Teddie and Flip) And these are the two who murdered stage manager Joe Kazinski!

 

Milo: M-murdered?

 

Frank: (beaming) Girlfriend?

 

Jennifer: (to Milo) In cold blood. (to Frank) Yes. (they kiss)

 

Flip: I killed no one!

 

Teddie: No, you just gave me the order to break a guy's ribs with rope and shove my left sock down his throat!

 

Flip: I was joking!

 

Teddie: Were not!

 

Flip: Was to!

 

Teddie: Were not!

 

Flip: Was to!

 

Teddie: Were not!

 

Milo: Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT! (takes a deep breath, choked up) Let me get this straight. Joe Kazinski, my stage manager, the godfather of my twin girls, and my best friend for over twenty-two years was choked to death by your left sock? (Silence. Flip directs Milo to look in the direction of Joe's offstage corpse) My God.

 

Flip: Come on, everybody. Why so glum? What have I been saying this entire time, huh? There's nothing to worry about. I'm a celebrity! I'll call my agent and get us all a really good lawyer, one that uses a lot of rhymes and colorful adjectives. Yeah!

 

Milo: Flip...

 

Flip: And he'll walk up to that jury, with his five-thousand dollar suit, reeking of superiority-

 

Milo: Flip!

 

Flip: Making us out to look like tragic heroes under the rule of a violent dictator! (to Milo) No offense.

 

Milo: FLIP!

 

Flip: What?

 

Milo: Do you know why you're here?

 

Flip: Of course. My soap character died and I'm helping you out by adding star-power to an otherwise lackluster Trystin Bailey play until the writers write me back in.

 

Milo: No. You are here because I lost a bet against Giles Romaine.

 

Flip: Giles Romaine? The executive producer of The Shallow and The Indisposed?

 

Milo: The one and only.

 

Flip: What kind of bet was it?

 

Milo: Well, as I'm sure you're aware, the ratings for The Shallow and The Indisposed have been plummeting for the past three years or so...

 

Flip: I...was not aware.

 

Milo: Ah, well, yes. Anyway, my last show was critically acclaimed and kicked me to the upper class. I was on my high horse, thought I could do no wrong, I was an unstoppable force. So when my buddy Giles comes along asking me to waste it all away on a game of poker, I stupidly agreed. If I won, I would get a free commercial spot for a month during The Shallow and The Indisposed. If Giles won, I would give him Chase Lennon, my star performer, and I would be...stuck with his lowest-rated actor for his show for my next theatrical piece.

 

Flip: And you...you lost? (Milo nods) A-and I'm...I'm...I'm the lowest-rated actor on the show? (Milo nods again. Flip takes a seat) I'm...n-n-no-not going back to the show, am I? (Milo shakes his head) So...so we're in big trouble? (Milo nods) Oh...f**k.

 

Teddie: I'm going to jail. I'm f*****g going to jail. (collapses to a seat)

 

Frank: My career's ended as soon as it's begun. (sits. Jennifer consoles him)

 

Ignacius: I hope you all have learned a valuable lesson today. Deception, murder, and, most of all, refusal to proceed in a theatrical performance are crimes unacceptable. Join me, Milo, for we must call the proper authorities and give these roustabouts their just desserts.

 

Milo: No, Ignacius.

 

Ignacius: E-excuse me?

 

Milo: I said no. I am Milo Hildebrandt. Critically acclaimed director. “Everything I touch turns to gold”. That's what the articles say about me. Undefeated. Unstoppable. Me. Perfection is not an easy quality to uphold. One blemish, one minor failure and the title is no longer mine. No, Ignacius, we are going to cover this up. No one will know what happened here tonight. No one.

 

Ignacius: Has this whole world gone mad?

 

Milo: Insanity is the way of the world, old man. Anyone have any ideas?

 

Flip: No. What's the point? I've got nothing! NOTHING, I SAY!

 

Milo: Anyone else?

 

Teddie: The audience.

 

Milo: What?

 

Teddie: They're all witnesses. (points to Jennifer) And this b***h is a reporter!

 

Jennifer: For a school paper!

 

Teddie: We've got to kill them all!

 

Frank: No! There has to be some other way! (thinks) Oh, I know! We can finish the play!

 

Milo: What?

 

Frank: We can finish the play and act like we've never acted before. Our skill and the plays message will move them so much that they'll forget all the murder and agony they've witnesses up to this point.

 

Ignacius: The power of well-done theater is unsurpassed. The show must go on!

 

Frank: Whaddaya say, Milo?

 

Milo: It's crazy...

 

Frank: Enough to work?

 

Milo: No. Just crazy. But I think it will be the only thing that will shut Ignacius up, so it's worth a try. So...places everyone!

 

Flip: No! No places! My life is over! Why isn't anyone as upset about this as I am?

 

Teddie and Milo: Oh brother...

 

Candy: I am, my dearest Flip! But my love for you was, like, never because of your money or fame!

 

Flip: I'm not following.

 

Milo: Maybe what she's saying is, she fell for the person behind the star...

 

Candy: No, that guy's a d****e.

 

Milo: Okay...

 

Candy: What I love is your piercing green eyes, your sparkling blond hair, and those rock hard abs that graced all of those soap commercials. It's what's on the outside that counts, and as long as that never changes, I'm your biggest fan.

 

Flip: I love your twisted logic, Candy!

 

Candy: I love your hot body, Flip! (they make out ferociously)

 

Milo: We're going to need everyone for this. Usher, other girl. Places, everyone!

 

(Frank whispers something to Jennifer, gesturing to the audience while doing so. The city street is moved away and the original set restored. Milo exits, Jennifer Teddie, and Candy following behind him while the scene shift is going on. Jennifer returns dressed as a housewife, Candy as a little girl, and Milo as a young boy, all beautiful to look at, and sit on the couch. Teddie enters, dressed like a trampy nun, and joins greaser Flip on the at the other end of the living room. They both look like they've seen better days. Flip and Ignacius stand in the bedroom scene. They get into character)

 

Old Vern: The moment of truth lay before you now. Your paths revealed to you in painful detail, but the chosen destination is yours alone. Which will it be? The path of truest love and a peace of mind that cannot be bought. Or an existence of eternal degradation and wanting. A fiery cyclone of vice and ill decisions. Which will it be, Vernon?

 

Vern: (thinks) Neither. What is life if not surprise, adventure. Setting such concrete paths before me robs me of my free will, and thus, of my humanity. Both options lost their appeal the moment I discovered them options at all. (to Old Vern) It was fear that brought you to me this night. Fear of what I would become, what you could become. But it is with great courage that I say to you, I choose freedom. (gestures to Jennifer, Milo, and Candy) Freedom from this cookie-cutter rendering of someone else's dream-life. (gestures to Ronny and Noreen) Freedom from a world of guiltless pleasure and inevitable pain.

 

Frank: (to audience) Freedom from this situation I found myself in. From facing criminal charges for witnessing the death of a man who was merely doing his job. Freedom from joining my peers in silencing the audience...permanently...which is what I'm sure they have in mind.

 

Milo: Frank...

 

Frank: You're not going to hurt them.

 

Milo: The doors out of the building are locked. (pulls out a knife) They will not soil my perfection.

 

Frank: Choose freedom, Milo. Freedom is perfections mortal foe.

 

Teddie: (pulls out a knife and hands one to Flip) You're either with us or against us, Franky. Heads up, Iggy! (throws Ignacius a knife)

 

Ignacius: (catches it) (to the audience) I hope you enjoyed the show.

 

Frank: What's with all these knives?!

 

Teddie: Prop table.

 

Frank: Ah. (Flip, Teddie, Candy [holding a knife], Milo, and Ignacius advance on the audience. He tries to stop Teddie, but she pushes him away)

 

Frank: Guys, please! There's another way! There's always another way!

 

Joe: (enters, yawning) What's going on out here?

 

Frank: AH! JOE!

 

Everyone Else: JOE?!

 

Milo: I-I thought you were dead?!

 

Joe: I don't think so. Last thing I remember this girl here was shoving a sock down my throat, and then I must've passed out. What have you all been up to?

 

Milo: Oh...nothing.

 

Flip: Nothing at all.

 

Ignacius: Nothing.

 

Joe: Okay... What now?

 

Teddie: I'm really sorry about making you unconscious.

 

Flip: Yeah, and I'm sorry I kept yelling “tighter”.

 

Candy: Wait, sugar loaf! What if you aren't sorry?

 

Flip: Huh?

 

Candy: What if, like, Joe presses charges and you admit to drugging and forcing an unwilling woman to attack a man while in a fit of rage? Imagine the publicity!

 

Flip: The publicity. Yes! I'll be all over the news. In the public eye! I might even get my own show on VH1! (to Teddie) And you can play the victim card for years to come!

 

Milo: And my show...?

 

Ignacius: If I may, who are these people to know that what they're watching isn't just a part of the play. For all they know, this is how everything was supposed to work out. Jennifer here could have been an audience plant. Maybe, just maybe, the play did go off without a hitch.

 

Jennifer: (to Milo) And I can write a rave review to your biased specifications. Sure it's just a school newspaper, but people will believe the printed ramblings of any half-baked moron before the word million eyewitnesses.

 

Milo: I like it. (everyone cheers)

 

Teddie: And to think, we were going to murder the audience. (everyone laughs)

 

Joe: Wait, what?

 

Teddie: Nothing.

 

Frank: Wow. Flip gets his fame back, Milo has a perfect show, and Frank gets the girl.

 

Flip: Technically, so does Flip.

 

Frank: Yeah, anyway, we all got what we want.

 

Candy: We should totally celebrate.

 

Pizza Delivery Boy: (enters) Um...did someone order a pizza?

 

Teddie: Down here!

 

Ignacius: First, we must close the play with a bow.

 

(Lights go down, and everyone comes out for their final bows and has pizza)

 

-THE END-