'Til Death or...An Orphan Scorned

My 8th play AND it's a comedy. Er...dark comedy. Surprise. In this nonsensical spoof on 18th-19th century Restoration-typed plays, join spoiled billionaire Edgar, the busy-body aunt, scheming butler, a serial killer, and many more as they merely attempt t

 

“Til Death…”

or

“An Orphan Scorned”

 

CHARACTERS

Edgar Allens

Alistair Scoffington

Miss Hilda Helkit

Prudella Primpsby

Mr. M.

Annabelle Hornless

The Hooligan

Father Briarbush

The Creeper

Police Chief

 

A dark Victorian living room. There are five entrances including the door outside STAGE RIGHT, the kitchen doorway STAGE LEFT, a closet UPSTAGE CENTER, a basement door adjacent to the closet, a door to the study UPSTAGE RIGHT, and staircase leading to the bedrooms UPSTAGE LEFT. The main furnishings include an armchair, a long sofa, a less extravagant armchair and a coffee table in the center. There are magazines and newspapers on the table.

 

-PLAY BEGIN-

Scene 1

At start, Edgar Allens is sitting in the larger armchair (his armchair), throwing a trinket into the air and catching it. Miss Helkit paces behind the sofa, reading a newspaper.

 

Helkit: It’s an absolute travesty what is becoming of this community, Edgar. An absolute perversion of good Christian values is what it is. A perversion. I remember when your father first purchased this house. Back then a small child could walk the whole way across town in the dead of night without a single worry. Nowadays every inch of this once-upstanding neighborhood is overrun with by a pack of dogs. That’s what they all are. A pack of dogs.

 

Edgar: What kind of dogs, dear Auntie?

 

Helkit: What importance is that?

 

Edgar: Why, it’s of all the importance in the world, Aunt Helkit. Dogs, like people, are available in a wide variety. Yes, there are those mangy mutts, inbred horrid things who root through the garbage and ravage young girls walking across town in the dead of night. But, being the fair and balanced Christian I presume you are, you mustn’t cancel out the others. Others like the dependable Labradors, the golden-hearted retrievers, the couragous collies, the precious poodles, the shearing sheepdogs…and those tiny purse pups that are all the rage on the west coast these days. Judge one breed, you must judge them all, Auntie Helkit.

 

Helkit: You’re impossible. What I meant was-

 

Edgar: Can we please remove ourselves from this particular subject. I am feeling rather sensitive this evening and memories of my dear parents are swelling up within my impressionable brain. Both of their deaths were at the hands of dogs, you know?

 

Helkit: I do. Quite tragic.

 

Edgar: Yes. They were both quite fond of the races. Those athletic little greyhounds had charmed them out of wits and money. Once one goes the other isn’t far behind, you see. The dogs that sealed their fate were all done up in pinstripes and empty wallets.

 

Helkit: The mafia!

 

Edgar: The hobos. A whole murder of them murdered my beloved creators and robbed them entirely of life, cash, and my father’s favorite pin-striped suit jacket.

 

Helkit: William and Anastasia Allens. Killed by the lowest of the low. How unfortunate.

 

Edgar: Indeed. Were I killed by anything less than a sales clerk I’d fall down on my knees and cry to Saint Peter himself until he allowed me to return to Earth and lose my life in the proper manner…to a doctor or lawyer or politician or celebrity or televangelist.

 

Helkit: Heavens, no. We must all accept the fate the Lord hand’s us.

 

Edgar: Oh, I agree entirely. And I will continue to agree as long as my fate agrees with me.

 

Helkit: You’re impossible!

 

Edgar: I fact I take pride in. And about that girl…

 

Helkit: The girl?

 

Edgar: Yes. The little girl walking across town in the dead of night. Tell me, Auntie Helkit, why on earth would a small frail and fragile flower be traversing in the night sans chaperone anyway? If you ask me, a lady doesn’t purposely wander in the dark unless she wishes to disappear from her daytime existence and put on a different hat of sorts. A dirty hat.

 

Helkit: Oh, Edgar, why must you be so difficult! And, as you so cynically stated, there are different sorts of hats. Top hats, sun hats, sombreros…

 

Edgar: Please, Auntie, you’re feeble attempts at humor are draining me so!

 

Helkit: You’re obnoxious!

 

Edgar: You’re observant. I’m voracious! Be a dear, sweet, relative and have the cooks wake up and prepare me a late snack of steamed crab and punch.

 

Helkit: I hope you realize that if you continue to behave in this condemnable way you will never find a suitable woman to marry.

 

Edgar: Well that’s all fine and good, but this condemnable way of which you speak was passed down to me by my own father. To rid myself of it would be a cold shedding of parental appreciation. Besides, I’m not the marrying sort.

 

Helkit: I will not rest until you have a woman to hold in your arms.

 

Edgar: In that case you can sleep soundly tonight, for I have held many a woman in these arms of mine, dear Aunt. While you waste away in the attic, lamenting over your younger, prettier days, I am living my younger prettier life on the lower levels. All manner of female enter this very room, vying for my affection. And I am sure to give it to them. Surely you’ve heard the sounds rising through the attic floor in the middle of the night. The thumps and thuds of wild passion.

 

Helkit: Impurity!

 

Edgar: Impeccably. What on earth could those grunts and howls have been other than what they most deliciously were? The noise of the dogs outside? Oh, great, now I have reminded myself of my poor deceased parents again.

 

Helkit: Oh! I’m sure your parents are rolling in their coffins!

 

Edgar: Let them roll. Let them scream. Let them sleep. The coffins are their beds now. And their bed is mine. And I make good use of it at least twice in a week.

 

Helkit: Appauling!

 

Edgar: Arousing!

 

Helkit: My misguided nephew, as of this moment I have taken it upon myself to descend from my attic chamber to engrave your tainted soul with my flawless Christian morals and find you an upstanding Christian girl to wed.

 

Edgar: That is a heavy task you bear, Aunt Helkit. Most would be crushed under its weight.

 

Helkit: You would be surprised the weight I am able to bear.

 

Edgar: Not at all. You carry quite a hefty amount already from where I’m standing.

 

Helkit: Good night, boy! (exits)

 

Edgar: (aside) The struggle for one to maintain their individuality becomes increasingly unbearable with age. (SCOFFINGTON enters from the kitchen) Ah, Scoffington, my faithful servant, come to me.

 

Scoffington: Yes, sir?

 

Edgar: Have you completed your chores for the evening?

 

Scoffington: My duties, sir. As in washing the dishes?

 

Edgar: Yes.

 

Scoffington: Dusting the bureaus?

 

Edgar: Yes.

 

Scoffington: Sweeping the porch, mopping the kitchen, scrubbing the bathtub, taking a long peaceful nap out in the gardens?

 

Edgar: Yes. All but the last one.

 

Scoffington: That’s a pity. For the last one is the only chore I have completed.

 

Edgar: You mean to say you’ve spent the entire day napping in the gardens?

 

Scoffington: I also wrote a delightful poem.

 

Edgar: You’re fired.

 

Scoffington: You cannot fire me.

 

Edgar: Yes. But it feels good to say.

 

Scoffington: Do you know why?

 

Edgar: Yes. But I feel you’ll still tell me.

 

Scoffington: It brings me great pleasure sir.

 

Edgar: Then, by all means, continue.

 

Scoffington: With great pleasure, sir. My former lord and your father, William Allens, stated in his final will and testament, which I keep a copy of in my breast pocket at all times, that I, Alistair Scoffington, shall remain in employment as the family butler until my dying day. In event of my discharge or willing departure the mansion and all its contents as well as the Allens fortune will be donated to the South Brunsburg Greyhound Racetrack.

 

Edgar: My father was a cruel man. He knew how much we detested one another. I wish to keep my cushy and albeit lazy position whilst you have nowhere else to go.

 

Scoffington: He was a wonderful man, Master Edgar.

 

Edgar: A saint. I could kill you.

 

Scoffington: True, but who then would occasionally cater to a small percentage of almost every one of your beck and calls?

 

Edgar: A wife, perhaps.

 

Scoffington: No offense, sir, but you couldn’t catch a wife with a fashion magazine and a bear trap.

 

Edgar: I’m rich.

 

Scoffington: Oh yes. There’s that.

 

Edgar: It’s settled then. I find a woman to cook and clean and listen to my drunken ranting and then do away with you.

 

Scoffington: Flawless, sir.

 

Edgar: Thank you. It’s quite late. I think I shall rest my body until morning. I suggest you get some sleep as well. Savor the glory of waking to a new day. Once I find my lady love you will not have many left to savor. Ta. (exits)

 

Scoffington: (straightens up the magazines on the coffee table and discovers and envelope) What’s this? A letter? Addressed to me a week ago? That incorrigible youth failed to inform me of the arrival of the envelope I was to fetch. (opens it, and pulls out the paper within) What have we here. “Dear Uncle Scoffington, you may not remember me but I am the daughter of your second cousin, third youngest on the maternal side and illegitimate sister to your half-aunt thrice removed and twice replaced. My beloved mother had suddenly gone ill and passed away in the night. My father died of heartbreak shortly after. Seeing as though deaths caused by both sudden illnesses and heartbreak are quite common on my side of the family I was forced to seek you out. As my only living relative I have decided to pack my things and live with you. I apologize for the burden, but that’s what family is all about. Signed your curiously naïve and stunningly attractive cousin, Annabelle Hornless. P.S.: I shall arrive in exactly one week and one day.” One week and one day! That’s tomorrow! Allowing Ms. Hornless to stay here is my pleasure. Keeping her from the lustful claws of my master is my duty. It is not the death I fear. It is that, should they marry, I could not bear the thought of future generations glancing at my genealogy chart only to find my name on the same sheet of paper as his.

 

Lights out.

 

Scene 2

Lights go up with Edgar in a robe, flipping through a magazine while in his armchair. Miss Helkit storms in.

 

Helkit: Good morning, my dear nephew!

 

Edgar: Goodbye, peace and quiet!

 

Helkit: Three nights ago I promised to find you a wife!

 

Edgar: Three nights ago I didn’t care.

 

Helkit: I have done as I promised!

 

Edgar: You’ve found an upstanding Christian girl?

 

Helkit: Indeed! Indeed I have! One with an interminable sense of morals.

 

Edgar: Christian morals?

 

Helkit: There are none but Christ’s morals.

 

Edgar: Well, don’t just stand there. Bring her in.

 

Helkit: You mean to say that you are actually readily anticipating the sacrament of Holy Matrimony?

 

Edgar: Of course I am, Auntie. Ever since it became a crucial step in ridding myself of that incorrigible butler.

 

Helkit: Following the church service yesterday I happened upon a young lady by the name of Prudella Primpsby. She was reading Scripture to the children. She can recite every Proverb and Psalm from memory.

 

Edgar: As I always say, a woman with a good memory is like a postman with a loaded weapon.

 

Helkit: She holds herself in the most impressive way. Her curls are gold and well-kept. Her manners, impeccable.

 

Edgar: Does she cook and clean?

 

Helkit: As any good wife does.

 

Edgar: Does she listen well to drunken rants?

 

Helkit: She will be here in an hour.

 

Edgar: Very well. I’ll put on my best suit. The deception of a first impression is a must in any long term relationship. (exits)

 

Helkin: I’ll assist you! (exits)

 

Scoffington: (steps out of the kitchen) All clear, Annabelle.

 

Annabelle: (emerges from behind) Oh, Uncle Scoffy, I thought they’d never leave. I’ve been hiding for two days now, only allowed to roam freely when the others sleep. I don’t think I can bear it for much longer.

 

Scoffington: It is better than the alternative. Trust me.

 

Annabelle: And what alternative is that?

 

Scoffington: I mustn’t tell you. To tell you is to spark your curiosity and there is no thing worse than the actions of a curious youth.

 

Annabelle: There is one thing. And that is the mere mentioning of something in which said youth might be curious over and withholding entirely what that something might be.

 

Scoffington: Curiousity killed the cat, my dear.

 

Annabelle: Yes. After the cat killed the keeper.

 

There is a knock on the door.

 

Scoffington: Annabelle! Return to your cupboard! (Annabelle rushes off to the kitchen. Scoffington opens the door and PRUDELLA enters) Good morning, young madam. How may I direct your visit?

 

Prudella: I am here to-

 

Helkit: (entering in a hurry) Prudella! Prudella, my dear, you’ve arrived at last! (to Scoffington) Go fix something nice to eat. (Scoffington exits) Edgar will be here momentarily. He is freshening up for you, that’s all. He wants to look his best for his future wife.

 

Prudella: I simply cannot wait to meet him. You’ve said so many wonderful things.

 

Helkit: He is quite a rarity among gentlemen, my nephew.

 

Prudella: Indeed!

 

Edgar: (entering in a stunning suit) Prudella, my sweet! How I’ve longed for this exact moment in my life for my entire life! Please, take a seat.

 

Prudella: (sits) Why thank you.

 

Edgar: (sits) Certainly.

 

Prudella: (to Helkit) He is all you described and more! This is a lovely house you have.

 

Edgar: It is exactly as my parents left it. I loved them so dearly, you see.

 

Prudella: How compassionate!

 

Helkit: You won’t meet another with such compassion!

 

Edgar: Might I add the way the stones in your necklace compliment your eyes is nothing sort of mesmerizing.

 

Prudella: How observant!

 

Helkit: He observes like no one can! He once spotted an Irishman in a group of Scots.

 

Prudella: How enchanting!

 

Edgar: It was nothing, really.

 

Prudella: And modest!

 

Helkit: A more modest fellow you will not find!

 

Prudella: Do you read the Bible?

 

Edgar: Every chance I can get! I just can’t put it down.

 

Prudella: Incredible!

 

Helkit: Fantastic! Well, I’m going to go check on lunch. You two continue your lovely tittering! (exits into kitchen)

 

Prudella: I think I’ll powder my face a little before we eat. Where is your powder room?

 

Edgar: Upstairs. The third door on the left.

 

Prudella: I simply cannot wait to once again be in your presence! (exits)

 

Edgar: I shall be counting the seconds, my darling! (aside) Ugh! What have I gotten myself into? Her inescapable perfection is something I cannot bear. I will count the seconds, alright. Every second I grow closer to clawing my own eyes out. Surely a marriage such as this is commonplace to most, but not to me. I need some fresh air to recharge my punctured patience. (exits)

 

Annabelle: (sneaks in from the kitchen) Now to let curious minds to what they do best. (she roots through the magazines) Edgar Allens, the name is written in bold letters across this book. This must be the owner of this house, the man my dear uncle serves. For three days I have been here and I have yet to lay eyes on him. It’s a shame he does not frequent more the cupboard in which I spend my lonesome days.

 

Prudella: (enters from above, annoyed to see Annabelle, her disposition darkened) Who are you?

 

Annabelle: Me?

 

Prudella: I don’t see anybody else in this area, do you? Now answer my question!

 

Annabelle: I am…Stormy. A servant of this house. Brand new, as of today. And are you this estate’s mistress?

 

Prudella: I will be soon enough, girl, and the renowned Allens fortune will belong to me!

 

Annabelle: Oh.

 

Prudella: Whisper a word of my true intentions to any member of this household and I will have your head, do you understand?!

 

Annabelle: Yes, ma’am.

 

Prudella: Good. Now stop standing around and make good use of yourself, Stormy. When I am mistress of this house loitering will be punishable by beating.

 

Annabelle: (she begins straightening pillows) Yes, ma’am. Of course, ma’am.

 

Prudella: Have you seen where my future husband ran off to?

 

Annabelle: No, ma’am.

 

Prudella: Worthless, tramp! It looks like I’ll have to hunt him down myself. He will promise himself to me tonight. The wiliest prey make for the greatest rewards. (exits into kitchen)

 

Annabelle: How terrible! The poor master of this estate will be caught in the gold-trimmed web of that vile creature unless I am able to warn him quick enough! (exits to the study)

 

Scoffington: (bursts in from the kitchen) Where is she? Where is that blasted cousin of mine? I must find her before she reaches the master of this estate! If she does, he will charm her and make her his wife and make us both…relations! (he starts look around, but stops when Edgar enters from the front door) Good morning, sir!

 

Edgar: (slyly) Ah, well if it isn’t my favorite manservant no doubt diligently attacking the constant threat of cobwebs and dust which plague this manor.

 

Scoffington: Naturally, sir.

 

Edgar: So, how are you on this abnormally brisk Autumn morning?

 

Scoffington: Fine, thanks.

 

Edgar: I expect lunch is coming along quite swimmingly.

 

Scoffington: Indeed.

 

Edgar: And you are in good health?

 

Scoffington: As good as can be expected.

 

Edgar: Glad to hear it.

 

Scoffington: Thank you, sir. (aside) His smugness is beaming more brilliantly than ever before! Could it be he found a wife within these very walls?!

 

Edgar: In case you’re wondering why it is that I am so smug. I have found a wife within this very walls!

 

Scoffington: (aside) He has found my niece and wooed her into the Sacrament of Matrimony! (to Edgar) The devil!

 

Edgar: An angel, actually. In every way I cannot stand. But the important thing is that I will have someone to cook and clean and no longer require your assistance.

 

Scoffington: (aside) My life, my niece, and my untainted genealogy stolen from me in one fell swoop! (to Edgar) So long as I live, you will not marry her! (starts upstairs) Annabelle! (exits)

 

Edgar: (shrugs) If only there were another prospect for my unwedded hand. (Annabelle enters, unseen from study) Some woman whom the very sight of would not send terrified chills throughout every bone in my body, or cause me to hurl myself out of the nearest window, hoping the fall or the shards of sharp glass lodged within my frame would take me. But what are the odds of that happening?

 

Annabelle moves closer and closer from behind. Prudella pokes her head out from the kitchen.

 

Prudella: Edgar, my soon-to-be-betrothed, lunch is served!

 

Edgar: (with great hesitation) Coming, my little canary-puff! (exits into kitchen)

 

Scoffington: (enters) Oh, Annabelle, what have you done?! What have you done?! I told you to remain in that cupboard. I told you that you were not yet ready for the harsh existence without said cupboard and what do you do? You do the worst thing you could possibly have done? You enter the bear’s cave! You allow yourself to be seduced by that snake and now you’ll marry the pig! It’s a whale of a shame.

 

Annabelle: Oh, Uncle, don’t be such a boar. He’s a fox. Besides, this little lark isn’t the one he will marry. His fate dwells within the kitchen. There the badger awaits him. The one he will marry.

 

Scoffington: Oh, I see. Well, you carry on. Forget I said a word. (exits to kitchen)

 

Annabelle: Despite my dear uncle’s senile delusions, I see in the man of this house a kind, sweet, gentle soul, though I have yet to look upon his face. One who does not deserve to be swindled by that Jezebel in curls. It is my duty, I’ve decided, to take Edgar Allens as my husband and rescue him from a much darker destiny.

 

Lights out.

 

Scene 3

Lights up outside in the gardens. There is a white picket fence with vines growing all over. Hedges and colorful flowers from all over the world. In the center of it all is a white table. Edgar, Prudella, and Miss Helkit sit around it, eating small sandwiches and drinking glasses of lemonade. Miss Helkit is reading her newspaper.

 

Prudella: The Lord has blessed us with a beautiful day, don’t you agreed Eddie?

 

Edgar: Yea. Beautiful.

 

Prudella: It is a sign of our longevity.

 

Edgar: Yea. Longevity.

 

Prudella: I propose we take a stroll in the gardens later.

 

Helkit: That sounds like a wonderful idea, doesn’t it Edgar?

 

Edgar: Yea. Wonderful.

 

Prudella: What’s the matter, Eddie? You haven’t touched your food!

 

Helkit: Eat up, nephew. We prepared pepperoni and Swiss sandwiches. Your favorite!

 

Edgar: I don’t have much of an appetite for such things anymore, Aunt Helkit. It seems as though my tastes have changed.

 

Prudella: I’m witnessing the metamorphosis of a man before my eyes! How inspiring!

 

Edgar: (to Helkit) Anything of interest in the paper this morning?

 

Helkit: The usual. Murder, theft, violence of all sorts. Every morning as I wake up and each night before I sleep I shed a tear for this community and what it once was. What’s this? A known serial killer has been spotted in town! Oh my! “The Creeper has taken the lives of forty-seven innocents from Templetop to Haverbrooke and now a character of his precise description has been sighted in our own South Brunsburg. The description of the fellow is as follows. (The Creeper enters UPSTAGE) A tall fellow with unruly black hair, a beard, and a tired expression, yellow teeth, and a red scar across his left eye. His clothing is dark in color and poor in quality. He walks with a slight limp and has an insatiable thirst for human blood.” (The Creeper exits) Oh my!

 

Edgar: How about something a little brighter? The clouds above my head are blocking out the sun.

 

Helkit: Hm. Let me see. It is quite the task finding brightness in the dark print. Ah, here goes something. “The South Brunsburg Greyhound Racetrack is under new management. A young fellow who goes by the initials D. X. M. used a portion of his immense family fortune to purchase the track due to his fondness of the sport.” A fondness in gambling. How distasteful!

 

Prudella: Immense family fortune?

 

Edgar: My dear deceased father was a gambling man!

 

Helkit: Yes, but he was family. And such details as that may be overlooked when blood is involved.

 

Scoffington: (enters smiling wide) The Lord has blessed us with a beautiful day, don’t you agreed Eddie? Oh, how the sun warms us so with celestial rays. How the gentle breeze caresses us just so! How the birds sing their delightful serenade. How beautiful Miss Primpsby looks in that dress.

 

Prudella: Oh, thank you, sir.

 

Scoffington: You are most welcome, madam. Most welcome indeed. Quite a find you’ve found, Master Edgar!

 

Edgar: (overly excited) I was thinking the exact same thing! I simply cannot wait until we walk down the aisle, profess our heart-born vows, and become one! (darkly) The benefits will be boundless.

 

Scoffington: Boundless and bountiful! Goodwill abound! No boundaries to be found. Good sir, take a bow!

 

Edgar: (aside) His eagerness to see me wed does play quite foul within my head.

 

Scoffington: (aside) My morale and mood do surely shine now that I’ll share not his bloodline. (to Edgar) Since I am certain you wish to hasten this heavenly merger, I will supply you with my own family ring. (reveals the ring)

 

Helkit: How generous!

 

Prudella: How altruistic! Now we can be wed at once! (Edgar spits his lemonade onto Prudella’s dress) Oh my!

 

Helkit: Oh dear! Scoffington, you phone the priest! I will get poor Prudella out of this drenched dress and into some drier drapery!

 

Scoffington: Yes, ma’am! (exits with Helkit and Prudella)

 

Edgar: Oh, slithering Scoffington, my arch nemesis. You think I am so naïve as to not know what you are planning? Do you think I do not comprehend the true intentions behind your boundless gaiety and matrimonial support, my worthiest of foes? Obviously, fearful of your impending doom at my hands, you’ve employed one of the local hooligans to assassinate me before I had the chance to do the same to you! Well, old chum, two can play at that particular game. Ha! Ha! (exits)

 

Lights out.

 

Scene 4

Lights up on the living room. Prudella, in a beautiful dress that’s slightly too big for her, emerges from the study.

 

Prudella: Oh, Eddie! E-ddie pie! (whispers) Where is that naïve little ninny?

 

Helkit: (entering from kitchen) Have you found him yet?

 

Prudella: Not yet, Auntie Helkit!

 

Helkit: (aside) “Auntie” she calls me. The words flow from her lips so naturally! (to Prudella) I’m sure he is off pressing his suit jacket or buying a bouquet of flowers to garnish this most Holy occasion!

 

Prudella: Or perhaps my sensitive suitor is getting cold feet. So endearing! Or perhaps he’s making a game of it. He is the lost pup and I am the persistent b***h. Where are you, my sweet? Could you be here? (she opens the closet only to find Annabelle hiding inside) Eek!

 

Annabelle: Oo!

 

Helkit: What is the meaning of this?

 

Prudella: Stormy!

 

Helkit: Stormy?

 

Annabelle: Yes. Stormy. I was hired today as a servant in this house.

 

Helkit: Impossible! I know all the goings on under this roof and I knew nothing of any new servants!

 

Annabelle: That’s because I was to be a surprise.

 

Helkit: A surprise?

 

Annabelle: For your birthday.

 

Helkit: My birthday?

 

Annabelle: Edgar hired me as your personal assistant. I was to be received by you on the anniversary of your birth.

 

Helkit: But my birthday isn’t for another eight months and sixteen days. Were you to hide in this closet until then?

 

Annabelle: No, of course not. I’m actually supposed to be in the cupboard.

 

Helkit: For eight months…

 

Annabelle: I was in high demand. Knowing he would never find better than me, your nephew hired me on the spot!

 

Helkit: My nephew?

 

Annabelle: Indeed.

 

Helkit: (aside) The spoiled brat thinking of anything but himself? The idea of marriage is having quite the effect on general disposition.

 

Annabelle: Is there anything I can do for you?

 

Helkit: Why yes…of course…um…Draw me a warm bath. I must tidy up a bit for the wedding.

 

Annabelle: Yes, ma’am. (exits)

 

Scoffington: (enters from study) Father Briarbush shall arrive sometime this evening for the ceremony. (aside) By which point Annabelle and myself shall make for the hills.

 

Helkit: Thank you, Scoffington. (to Prudella) What say you and I search the front yard for your bashful beau?

 

Prudella: Let the search continue. (they exit)

 

Scoffington: Upon further thinking and a quick glance at my genealogy chart, I have discovered that my niece comes from aristocratic blood and her inheritance is quite hefty. We shall escape under the cover of night and live the life of lords and ladies…if only I could find that slippery girl. (exits)

 

Annabelle: (enters from upstairs) Where did everyone go? (there is a knock at the front door) A knock. (more knocking) I guess I had better fulfill my artificial responsibilities. (she answers the door. Mr. M walks in)

 

Mr. M: Greetings, milady, could you please direct me to the owner of this impressive abode? (aside) A more beautiful creature I have never seen!

 

Annabelle: (aside) A more beautiful creature I have never seen! (to Mr. M) Sorry, sir, but my master isn’t in right now.

 

Mr. M: (aside) Her master? A servant. Below me in rank. Blast! My hopes shattered as quickly as they were shaped. (to Annabelle) I will try again next time then. (he starts to exit but Helkit and Prudence return)

 

Helkit: We saw a strange man approaching the door so we- (recognizing him) It’s you! The new owner of the racetrack known only as D. X. M.

 

Mr. M: Please, ladies, we’re all friends here. You may call me Mister M.

 

Prudella: How mysterious! (aside) With a family fortune that could rival that of Mister Allens.

 

Mr. M: Could either of you tell me where I could find this estate’s owner?

 

Helkit: We have been looking for him ourselves. Might I ask as to why you require his audience?

 

Mr. M: Certainly. I was diligently examining my racetrack’s account books when I learned that Mister William Allens had acquired quite a debt. I have come to collect the seventy million owed to me.

 

Helkit: Seventy million? But that’s nearly all we have!

 

Mr. M: Regrettable.

 

Prudella: (aside) Remarkable. The time has come to jump this sinking ship. (to Mr. M) So, Mr. M, I suppose a man as handsome as yourself is already married.

 

Helkit: Prudella!

 

Mr. M: No, I am quite single.

 

Prudella: You don’t say…

 

Helkit: Prudella!

 

Prudella: Oh, calm down, Auntie Helkit. I am merely taking interest in the lives of my neighbors.

 

Helkit: (to Mr. M) Prudella is to be married to my dear nephew in a matter of hours.

 

Prudella: (to Mr. M) Nothing in life is set in stone.

 

Helkit: (grabs Prudella by the ear) This is! My nephew is going to have a good Christian wedding so long as I live! (exits with Prudella)

 

Mr. M: (aside) This servant girl has stolen my heart like never it has been stolen before.

 

Annabelle: (aside) One look from this Mr. M and my heart explodes into a symphony of roses and daffodils.

 

Mr. M: (aside) But she is a servant and belongs to this house.

 

Annabelle: (aside) But I must marry Edgar and save him from that evil Prudella.

 

Mr. M: (aside) Though, I could purchase her from her master.

 

Annabelle: (aside) I could merely get rid of Prudella. But she might then pine for my M and that I could not bare.

 

Mr. M: (aside) I will to my mansion and plan my next move.

 

Annabelle: (aside) This predicament calls for some meditation in my cupboard.

 

Mr. M: Well, I’ll try back later.

 

Annabelle: See ya ‘round!

 

Lights out.

 

Scene 5

Lights up on a dim back alley. There is a dumpster. Edgar enters, disguised in a cloak. He waits a moment and then Hooligan enters, shrouded completely in a tattered cloak.

 

Edgar: You there! Hooligan! I have a hefty amount of money in my pocket- (The Hooligan holds him by the neck with a knife aimed at his heart) Eek! A h-hefty amount of money which will be doubled if you do me a little favor. (the Hooligan releases him) I require you to go to the mansion of the celebrated Edgar Allens and do away with his butler. You will know him by his gaunt sickly features and total lack of respect for his betters. (starts to exit then stops) Make it quick and private. No need to draw attention to yourself. (starts to exit then stops again) And try not to get too much blood on the furniture. I hear it’s simply dreadful to get out and I’m quite fond of the fabric. (starts and stops once more) And wait until after the priest marries me to…ugh…Prudella. (starts and stops) Which reminds me, I might need you again so a calling card if you have one? (Hooligan raises knife to Edgar) I’ll be off now! (exits)

 

Hooligan returns his blade to his pocket and sneaks off. From behind the dumpster, The Creeper emerges.

 

Creeper: It’s been far too long since I’ve felt the warmth of new blood splashed upon my petticoat. Methinks it is time for a wedding!

 

Lights out.

 

ACT TWO

 

Scene 1

The garden decorated with a few seats in rows to create an aisle, and a wedding arch. One chair is pulled from the rest. Prudella is sitting in this chair, tied at the wrists and ankles. Helkit and Annabelle stand behind her.

 

Prudella: This is highly uncommon!

 

Helkit: Uncommon as my nephew finally marrying. For as long as I can remember I’ve longed for him to carry on the family line. For even longer I’ve longed for another female of equal status to share the estate so that I could engage in idle chit-chat, gossip, and other activities necessary to womanhood. And for those reasons you shall remain cruelly tied to this chair until you are cruelly tied to my Edgar! (to Annabelle) Stormy, my girl, keep watch over this whelp whilst I supervise the meal preparations. (exits)

 

Prudella: Release me this instant!

 

Annabelle: I will do no such thing.

 

Prudella: Why not?

 

Annabelle: I have my reasons.

 

Prudella: We have time. Perhaps with reasoning your reasons you’d reveal?

 

Annabelle: I’d rather not.

 

Prudella: You annoy me.

 

Annabelle: And you, me.

 

Prudella: This conversation is going nowhere fast.

 

Annabelle: Neither are we. It’s quite fitting.

 

Prudella: Release me this instant!

 

Annabelle: You already said that.

 

Prudella: Yes, but seeing as I am still here I figured I’d give it another go.

 

Annabelle: Respectable.

 

Prudella: Release me!

 

Annabelle: Three times now. Perhaps after sixty or so more I’ll reconsider.

 

Prudella: Why you filthy little-

 

Scoffington: (from inside) Where on earth could she be?

 

Annabelle: My uncle! I must hide! (to Prudella) If you keep my hiding place a secret your freedom shall be granted. (she hides behind the bench)

 

Scoffington: (enters, noticing Prudella) Have you by chance seen a young girl, about your age, with round eyes and a sense an insatiable curiosity?

 

Prudella: Yes.

 

Annabelle: Blast!

 

Scoffington: You have?

 

Prudella: Yes.

 

Annabelle: Blast!

 

Scoffington: Quick, tell me where!

 

Prudella: Certainly…if you set me free.

 

Annabelle: (jumps up from behind the bench) No!

 

Scoffington: Annabelle!

 

Prudella: Annabelle?

 

Annabelle: Uncle!

 

Prudella: Uncle?

 

Annabelle: (to Prudella) If you don’t have anything original to say stay out of this!

 

Scoffington: Quick, we must get out of here while we can. I sense foul play afoot!

 

Prudella: You don’t say.

 

Scoffington and Annabelle: Quiet!

 

Annabelle: But, Uncle, I can’t go just yet!

 

Scoffington: (takes her by the arm) I beg to differ.

 

Helkit: (enters) Scoffington! What on God’s green earth do you think you’re doing with my servant girl?

 

Scoffington: Servant girl!

 

Helkit: That’s right! My dearest Edgar gave loyal Stormy to me as my birthday present.

 

Scoffington: I feel confused.

 

Prudella: I feel confined.

 

Annabelle: Who asked you? (she slips from Scoffington’s grip and runs to Helkit’s side) Please protect me from that certifiable fruitcake!

 

Helkit: Fear not, girl. I do not know what has gotten into my butler, but what’s gotten him shall not get him to get you. (she exits to the kitchen, Annabelle in her arm)

 

Scoffington: Get back here! (exits into kitchen)

 

Prudella: Dear Lord, I may not be perfect, but whom in your flock is? Could you do me the honor of releasing me from these bonds. By doing so swear that I will purge myself of avarice and lead a life according to Your will. (enter Hooligan) How miraculous. Hey, Hooligan! Over here! (he notices her) If you free me from the ropes that bind me, your reward shall a hundred dollars at least I assure you. (Hooligan frees her) Oh blessed day! Here is your cash. (hands him the money and he sneaks into the house) Dear Lord, I shall keep my promise, but first I must tie off a few loose ends from my previous life, before your divine grace does alter my heart for the better. I will find Mr. M and by the time I am done with him the M will stand for marriage!

 

Lights out.

 

Scene 2

Lights up on living room. Helkit and Annabelle rush in.

 

Helkit: Quick! We will lock ourselves in the attic until his illness fades! (both exit upstairs)

 

Scoffington: (enters, out of breath) Where are they? Annabelle! Annabelle come down here this instant! (sits down on the couch) Oh, I am too old for these games. My heart, it practically tears from my chest. My lungs, they are wearing thin. My feet are heavy as bowling balls. It’s as if death were sneaking up on me. (Hooligan enters and begins to sneak up on Scoffington. Such before the Hooligan would give his lethal blow, there is a knock at the door and he hides in the closet) Come in!

 

Mr. M: (enters) I must speak with the master of this estate.

 

Scoffington: Not here.

 

Mr. M: If he thinks to escape me then he has another thing coming. I shall wait here until he returns. (sits) (to Scoffington) You seem quite winded. To what do you blame the confliction?

 

Scoffington: The female race.

 

Mr. M: Yes. By nature they are wily, but there is one in particular who tickles my fancy, but so long as I am of high status our romance cannot be. (there is a knock at the door)

 

Scoffington and Mr. M: Come in!

 

Briarbush: (enters) I have arrived. Where are the bride and groom?

 

Scoffington: The groom is nowhere to be found. The bride is in the garden.

 

Briarbush: Well, I cannot perform half a wedding so I guess I’ll wait. (sits)

 

Mr. M: Tell me, Father, is it wrong to marry outside of my class?

 

Briarbush: Yes.

 

Mr. M: What if true love is involved?

 

Briarbush: Then no.

 

Mr. M: What if there is no actual true love but the potential for it is abnormally great.

 

Briarbush: Do you know her name?

 

Mr. M: Not off-hand. I have no clue.

 

Briarbush: Then yes.

 

Mr. M: Yes to marrying?

 

Briarbush: Yes to you having no clue.

 

Mr. M: Blast my fortune! Blast it to Hell! I will retire to my mansion and never think of her again once I collect my money from the owner of this estate! (thinks to himself) But wait! If I do not collect the money from him then I will not be able to pay the property tax on my racetrack. My track will be taken from me and I will be without a source of finances. Without finances I will be forced to work as a barkeep or…or a servant. That’s it! I shall lower my status for the sake of love for the servant girl…after purchasing her from the lady of this house, of course.

 

Scoffington: My niece?!

 

Mr. M: Your niece?!

 

Edgar: (enters) My knees! Oh, I’ve never walked so far in my entire life! (aside) I searched high and low for a suitable woman to marry but none would agree to it. (notices others) We have company, I see.

 

Mr. M: You must be the master of this house.

 

Edgar: That I am.

 

Mr. M: Had you arrived a minute earlier I would’ve had you for seventy million dollars.

 

Edgar: Well, let it be known that I am fortunate to have arrived a minute later.

 

Mr. M: I am Mr. M, owner of the South Brunsburg Greyhound Racetrack.

 

Edgar: And I am Edgar Allens. Your Racetrack made an orphan out of me.

 

Mr. M: It shall make one out of me soon enough. I plan to give it up for the woman I love.

 

Edgar: I have no time for love. Only marriage. (to Briarbush) Let’s get this over with.

 

Scoffington: (aside) I must get out of here now! (to Mr. M) If you help me retrieve my niece her hand is yours!

 

Mr. M: Consider it done. (he and Scoffington go upstairs)

 

Briarbush: I’ll be in the garden with your fiancé. (exits)

 

Edgar: Woe is me! Soon the wedding bells will ring and I will ring my own neck in despair. There must be one who will marry me!

 

Scoffington: (offstage) Break the door down!

 

Mr. M: Here goes nothing!

 

A loud crash is heard, followed by footsteps, Helkit and Annabelle enter, racing down the stairs, improvising intense chattering. Mr. M is hot on their hills with Scoffington bringing up the rear. Scoffington falls at the bottom of the stairs. Helkit, Annabelle, and Mr. M exit into the kitchen.

 

Edgar: Hm. She’ll do. (exits)

 

Scoffington starts to his feet. As he does the Hooligan comes out of the closet. Scoffington notices him and climbs to his feet. Hooligan moves toward him, knife in hand. Lights go out. Scoffington screams.

 

Scene 3-FINAL SCENE!!!

The garden, prepared for the wedding. Helkit, Annabelle, Mr. M, and Father Briarbush stand talking. Edgar enters as lights go up.

 

Briarbush: Where is the bride?

 

Helkit: She should be right here. I tied her up myself!

 

Briarbush: Well, we can’t have a wedding without one!

 

Edgar: No fear, dear Father, for I have found a new bride! (he puts his arm around Annabelle)

 

Mr. M: No!

 

Annabelle: No!

 

Prudella: (jumping out of the bushes) Yes! Now Mr. M is all mine!

 

Annabelle: No!

 

Helkit: No!

 

Edgar: Yes!

 

Helkit: You are going to marry my nephew and that’s final!

 

Prudella: Never! Once Mr. M takes sucks your savings dry, you will be useless to me!

 

Helkit: She’s a regular Polly Pennypacker!

 

Mr. M: I will not be charging the owner of this estate any longer!

 

Prudella: What!

 

Mr. M: I have decided to impoverish myself so that I might my of the proper status to marry…um…what is your name?

 

Annabelle: Annabelle Hornless!

 

Helkit: Annabelle?

 

Mr. M: Annabelle. It rolls off the tongue like dew from a maple leaf! I shall marry Annabelle!

 

Prudella: Then Edgar shall be mine once more!

 

Edgar: No!

 

Annabelle: No!

 

Mr. M: Annabelle!

 

Annabelle: I swore to myself and my God that I would protect Edgar from the devilish Prudella at any cost…even the cost of my own heart.

 

Mr. M: Annabelle…

 

Edgar: Annabelle, my love!

 

Helkit: Oh! A wedding at last!

 

Briarbush: At last.

 

Mr. M: Annabelle…

 

Prudella: I’ll be going then… (Prudella is about to walk offstage when The Creeper enters with a gun waving in the air)

 

The Creeper: Prepare to meet your fate at my capable hands! (everyone but Edgar panics)

 

Edgar: (placing his arm around The Creeper) There is no cause for alarm, everyone. I hired him to kill Scoffington.

 

Annabelle: You did what?!

 

Edgar: (to Creeper) I told you not to draw any unnecessary attention to yourself. Hm. You look a lot more frightening then you did last night?

 

Annabelle: You hired this fiend to kill my dear uncle?

 

Edgar: Uncle!

 

Annabelle: You monster!

 

Edgar: I only did it because I presumed he had done the same! It was self-defense.

 

Creeper: (puts gun to Edgar) Silence!

 

Edgar: This is hardly what I paid you for.

 

Creeper: You paid me nothing! I have come here on my own accord to ruin this day.

 

Briarbush: Good luck. This day’s done a thorough job of ruining itself.

 

Helkit: (pulls out a folded article from her pocket and reads) “A tall fellow with unruly black hair, a beard, and a tired expression, yellow teeth, and a red scar across his left eye. His clothing is dark in color and poor in quality. He walks with a slight limp and has an insatiable thirst for human blood.”

 

Creeper: Nutritious and delicious.

 

Helkit: Gasp! It IS The Creeper!

 

Edgar: (wrapping arms around Annabelle) Hold me!

 

Annabelle: A monster and a coward. I sure picked a real winner to protect. The wedding is off!

 

Prudella: (grabbing onto Mr. M) Hold me!

 

Mr. M: (pushes her away) I’ll pass, thanks.

 

The Creeper: Today you scream your last agonizing screams!

 

Edgar: That’s sort of uplifting in a way.

 

Briarbush: (to heaven) I can’t say I blame You, Lord. These people are the blackest sheep I’ve ever encountered. Smite away.

 

The Creeper: Now who shall be first to taste the searing torture of-

 

Edgar: Prudella.

 

Mr. M: Prudella.

 

Helkit: Prudella.

 

Annabelle: I’m torn between she and Edgar.

 

The Creeper: (puts gun to Annabelle’s head) She’ll do.

 

Mr. M: Annabelle!

 

Helkit: Niece-in-law!

 

The Creeper: Say good-bye! (Hooligan emerges in bloody cloak from the house and stabs The Creeper) Oh. (dies)

 

Edgar: (to Hooligan) I’d know that knife anywhere. There’s my assassin. You’ll get a bonus for saving my wife. (Hooligan removes his hood, revealing Scoffington) Uh oh.

 

Scoffington: You’re assassin’s corpse rests on your sofa.

 

Edgar: Aw, not the furniture!

 

Scoffington: There is no force strong enough to stop a butler scorn.

 

Edgar: Are you going to kill me?

 

Scoffington: No. Death would not compare to the agony you will endure with Miss Primpsby for a wife.

 

Prudella: Hey!

 

Edgar: I’ll give you a little while to reconsider.

 

Mr. M: Annabelle, I am ready to dive into the depths of poverty with you…

 

Scoffington: Oh, noble lad, Annabelle is no servant. Her parents are aristocracy through and through.

 

Mr. M: You mean-?

 

Scoffington: Yes. You can retain your money and your status.

 

Mr. M: Woo hoo!

 

Mr. M: Miss Hornless, will you marry me?

 

Annabelle: Of course. But, first, tell me what it is your name stands for.

 

Mr. M: Yes, well, my family name is Machina. The middle is Xavier, after my father. My first name is Deus.

 

Helkit: Like God?

 

Mr. M: Yes. My family had high hopes for me. They said that if anyone could take His place when they died it would be me.

 

Annabelle: So your name is Deus X. Machina?

 

Scoffington: But why on earth were you named after a literary device in which something unexpected, unlikely, or improbable occurs in order to solve a problem in an often unrealistic way?

 

Police Chief: (enters) Some kids down the hill reporting screaming in this mansion. I thought I’d come check it out and I find one…(notices Creeper) two dead bodies on your property. I’m going to have to place you all under arrest and since the town judge is on vacation you’ll be assumed guilty and placed under lock and key for at least (notices Mr. M) Machina? Deus X. Machina, is that you? I can’t believe it. It’s been years! How is the family?

 

Mr. M: I am all that’s left.

 

Police Chief: I’m sorry to hear that. Look, I owe you from that thing you did for me back in Vegas so let’s just say I was never here and we’ll call it even.

 

Mr. M: It’s a deal. (they shake hands and the Police Chief exits)

 

Scoffington: Nephew-in-law! (he embraces Mr. M)

 

Briarbush: Are you kidding me?

 

Mr. M: Oh, Annabelle!

 

Annabelle: Oh, Mr. M! (they kiss)

 

Helkit: (to Edgar) I hope you’ve learned your lesson, boy.

 

Edgar: Indeed I have. Don’t be thrifty when purchasing an assassin.

 

Helkit: You’re impossible!

 

Prudella: How about a kiss for good measure? (she leans in to kiss him)

 

Edgar: The end.

 

Lights out.

 

-PLAY END-