My Blackest Blasphemies

Sometimes I feel sorry that I can't be what you want me to be, I realize now that it is a shame because I kind of like the way I am.
Sometimes I feel like I should share my secrets within, my secrets ripping away at my soul so that I can feel cleaner. But I finally realize that my dirty little secret is that I like that I am the only one that knows my own secrets. I like that I am the only one that knows how I feel at certain times and what makes me feel good, stuff that no one else should know.

Like-if I ever thought about death, or…did I ever smoke pot, or…who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

The truth is I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but will I? Probably not. So I just want to say something really quick. “Baby, if I fall in love again and marry my future husband and he turned out that he was not you, than I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for being the only and first love I truly adored and will not live without.”

I realize the greatest things in life are the ones that leave you; I realized the greatest people you know are the ones that die. I realize that these things that mean the world to us must leave us, because how other way would we know how much they truly mean to us, how truly important they were to you.

There’s something wrong with me, not only does none of this make sense, but I realized that none of my writings do make sense at all, and that’s sad for you because I understand them-and to me they mean the world. Its not you’re opinion that matters, it’s just my point of view. And usually my point of view is one cold hearted b***h with a 14 inch strap on.

Speaking of uncomfortable feelings, I often find myself feeling nervous and awkward, like for instance-I’m always stumbling on my own feet, is it because somebody is always staring at me and wishing I fall, or do I walk like a duck? I often feel like a nervous sheep straddling a rocket to bring a daisy to a wolf wearing stilettos waiting alone on the moon.

But that’s just my opinion of course. People usually say I’m beautiful.

Not to long ago I took my little brother out on a warm day this month and I decided to take him Downtown Toronto to see Much Music, we went for Crepes and ice cream and saw Travis Barker the drummer my little brother wants to become, and on the way back home on the subway around 11 o’clock at night, there were these children acting like complete buffoons. I looked at my little brother telling him those children want to run away from home and join the circus. He looks at me with his light green eyes and whispers, “Let them, I want to run away and join real life”.

I then realized that in a lifetime, I could never say anything that would quite measure up to what my 9 year old brother told me that day.

Remarkable.

Later on in the month I was extremely busy with NursingCollege and juggling my three jobs paying for my tuition and books and my night life. I only came home for about 6 hours or less a day-sometimes not at all, and that was only to sleep, shower (sometimes not) and change my cloths (sometimes not)-you get the point, I was extremely busy. My little brother missed me. I knew this because he would sometimes sleep on the couch so he can hear me come in and say goodnight to me. He would wake up extra early when I do to eat breakfast with me, and he would always tell me “I love you” first. He asked me one night when I had a day off from all my jobs if I can take him bike riding, I couldn’t-I really physically couldn’t move I was trembling from the aches on my feet and to lazy to get up and go to the bathroom. I gave in and I took him to the park near our house where we can hear a rail road. He asked me if I missed him at all, and all I could tell him was yes, but I wanted him to know I missed him. “Ben, whenever I come back, the rail road makes the same sounds as before and everyday, and while people remain the same I will always miss you. When people stop listening I will miss you, when people stop working I will love you more.”

He now knows how much I missed him

And that’s all I have realized this year. 09.