Smile

I was PMSing when I wrote this. JK;) Hope I made you smile.

I wonder why it feels like i'm losing something, something important.

Like i'm almost completely empty or like i'm wasting precious time.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't have anyone.

No one likes me, no one wants to be with me and I don't blame them.

Who would wanna be with ******* the emotionless, selfish b***h who only knows how to be mean?

I know I wouldn't.

It's not like I want to be a b***h nor do I mean to be one.

It's just what I'm programmed to be.

It's like something in me gets me so angry and upset.

Which ends with me lashing it out on others.

The other day, my sister said something to me.

She said,"I think I know why you read and play video games so much."

And I said,"Why?"

"Because they're both the same. You can play them a bunch of times." Was her answer.

I wonder if that's true.

But deep down, I know it's not.

Because The truth is that those things are an escape.

They let me laugh and smile without worry.

They have good endings.

They give me happiness.

Even if that happiness only lasts for five seconds or an hour.

For me that's all I need.

Or at least, that's what I thought. 

I kept focusing on making myself happy, and this results in neglecting others and being anti-social.

All this is doing is pulling others farther and farther away from myself.

Then before I realize it...

I'm alone.

I guess I never had anyone to begin with.

I was like this as a child, always alone and playing by myself.

I used to think it was because I was the only one who could understand myself.

That's true but its not the reason I was alone.

Its because I pushed them away.

They've said I need to see a therapist but not for "this" reason.

Its because I spend so much time on the computer.

Its not like I do bad things on here.

C'mon me?

Do something bad?

ha...your funny. 

But I wonder if "they" knew how much that hurt me.

Telling someone,"You need to go see a therapist." it hurts.

Like a slap across the face, no more like you got stabbed on a just-healed wound.

"They" were basically telling me, "YOU HAVE PROBLEMS. YOU CANT DEAL WITH THEM BECAUSE YOUR WEAK. SO GET HELP."

It hurts...

Now I know how mom feels.

Everyone telling her there's something wrong with her.

YOUR MAKING IT WORSE PEOPLE.

YOUR HURTING SOMEONE YOU LOVE!

I'm so sorry mom.

I always thought our family was the same as everyone else.

Problematic.

But ours is a bit different.

We lack something everyone else has.

Love.

We need to laugh with each other.

Cry with each other.

Be honest.

Get mad at each other.

But then forgive each other.

Not hide our feelings.

WE NEED LOVE.

That's my wish, I guess it's always been.

Love.

Such a simple feeling and yet it's so hard to gain.

I really REALLY HATE to admit it, but today was the first day of my life I had the weakest thought.

Jumping off a bridge.

I actually thought about it!

How terrifying!

I didn't actually think if I should do it.

I would never grow so weak!

But it popped into my head. 

Right after dad had said,"Why are you such a b***h after you get what you want?"

Now I wonder if that one is true...

It made me think.

What do you guys want from me?

What is it you expect from a 14 year old girl?

I really want to know.

So that's when the weak thought popped in my head.

Would you be satisfied if I jumped off a bridge?

If I cut my wrists?

If I took a gun and shot myself?

What is it you want from me?

If your happier without me, should I leave?

Run away?

Would that make everyone happy?

Would that make everyone love each other?

I'm not saying I'm gonna go kill myself.

EWW I HATE BLOOD.

MOSTLY WHEN ITS ON ME.

GROSS.

But what do you want...?

These feelings weren't caused by my father.

No, not him.

I think, it was everyone in general but mostly myself.

Don't hate my dad he's, a good dad but the other day he pretty much told me this.

"You have a bad personality."

That hurt.

Mostly because I already knew it.

And he just HAD to point it out AGAIN.

So at first I tried not to let it bother me and so I attempted to make a joke out of it.

"But my looks make up for it" I laughed but at that point it was hard to smile.

He just looked at me and it was his face that was so serious that told me,"No, it doesn't."

That day I cried silently and unnoticed in the back of the car as him and my sister laughed in the front seats.

There was also another day.

When my mother and I were talking about my sister and I said, "She doesn't know how good she has it."

Mom told me, "No, you just don't know how bad she has it, she cries all the time."

SHE CRIES ALL THE TIME?

Seriously?

She has EVERYTHING.

She has the school I want to go to!

She still has her friends!

She's the "outgoing one".

She's the "funny one".

She's the "pretty one".

She has had dozens of serious boyfriends!

While I've only had two!

One which was a DARE!

And the other didn't even last a DAY!

They don't expect much from her because she is the not-so-smart sister!

But they expect so much from me!

She does all KINDS of bad stuff, gets caught, and BARELY gets in trouble!

But if its my grades or I'm "socializing online" I get punished triple times her punishments!

Don't get me wrong.

I don't hate my sister.

In fact she is the only one in our family that I think is semi-normal!

But I do envy her.

I envy her greatly, so greatly and yet she's so dumb she doesn't even know it.

Her stupid self doesn't even realize what she has!

I was like her once. 

Stupid.

Ignorant.

I didn't realize what I had till it was gone.

And that day was when the truth of that saying hit me the hardest.

The day when my parents told me I was switching schools (only me).

I would have to leave my friends.

My frenemies.

My rivals.

My enemies.

And even those other annoying people whose nasty comments I now miss.

I had to leave my happiness.

My only happiness that was actually a part reality.

Was gone...

Which is probably why I moved onto anime, manga, books, and video games.

I still wonder if that is the reason of which I feel like something important has been lost.

You know how most people wish they could go back in time and redo their mistakes?

Yeah, that's not me.

I WANNA BE REBORN.

Because even if I go back it's useless because I screwed up this life. 

Of course I could keep all the memories though.

So in the next life I don't make the same mistakes and I can be honest and find love.

Not romantically.

Well...maybe...

Can't blame a girl for dreaming.

Anyway I'm going to share with you my motto.

It is: smile.

That's right s-m-i-l-e just those 5 simple letters put together to form a word that can hold so much meaning.

For me it means (I really suck at explaining things so bear with me).

It means that no matter what situation your in, no matter what problems your going through, SMILE, because eventually, and I mean EVENTUALLY, maybe not in this life, it WILL get better (like the Disney movies;P).

And if your one of those people who think that your problems don't matter, that there are people all across the world who have it worse than you YOU ARE RIGHT but also wrong! 

Because it doesn't matter how big or small your problems are, it's about how much they affect you or how much you LET them affect you. 

But I want you to smile, no matter how bad times get and I want you to think about all the good hilarious things that have happened to you, hell if nothing good has ever happened to you then think about how good it would feel to freakin beat the crap out of Spongebob when hes doing that annoying laugh of his. 

Or just think about how if your ever reborn your gonna walk into a mall and just blow one really loud and gross-like that everyone's first reaction is "AH!!!!! MY EYES!!!" and then they break out in song like high school musical or barbie!!!

Anyway I really appreciate you taking your time to read this, I've hope you learned a lesson, cause there's like a thousand you could learn from me.

:) smile :)

Author's Note

!!!!!!!!!!!!WARNING VIOLENT LANGUAGE USE IN THIS STORY SO BE MATURE OR DON'T READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay when you first saw this story, you were probably like holy crap this is long, NO WAY AM I READING THIS! and then by accident you read the first line and thought...hmmm I can relate to that. Then you kept reading and finally said,"GEEZ! DEPRESSING AFTER DEPRESSING! WHERE IS THE HAPPY ENDING?!" well you just answered your own question its at the END of the story so keep reading;) Anyway this was basically ME venting to YOU hoping for YOU learn something from MY mistakes. This was really poorly written because I wasn't trying to put in detail, I was trying to put "feeling" in it. Also I started off almost every sentence on a new line thingy I'm not sure why, maybe to space it out, or just make it look cooler>.< anyway enjoy! This is all true by the way 99.9%!! Because I can't remember the EXACT words some people spoke but those were pretty much it.