Boy please...

Boy please, thinks you

Can have any girl because

You have strong arms and your on the football team,

Boy please, don’t come to me saying sorry baby

Boy I’m not you “Baby”

You might think one day I will,

 unless you change your selfish ways

And your thoughts

I will never be your baby

 

Boy please, thinks you

Can have any girl

Because your hot,

You play sports and sweet talk,

Well that fake charm don’t work on me

So take a walk.

Author's Note

Enjoy!

Reviews

[Ees]

Nice!
Okay, it took me reading this outloud to get it because I personally think that this poem could do with some commas to make it easier to read. The style of this poem is really cool because it is conversational sounding. It is written just like somebody is talking, but you have to say it outloud when you read it (or I did) to figure out where the pauses and exclamations should go in. I feel like it would be awesome if you used the punctuation marks or dialogue but didn't change the words or the lines/format, if you know what I mean?

Besides that you have a few typos like in the third line "your" should be "you're" or "you are" and I think it is more common to say on than in when referring to a team, though I am not sure if that was intentional or not.

The last four lines of this poem are brilliant and they have a beautiful natural rhythm. Great job!

Think about those suggestions, but also feel free to say, f**k you, Erin, I like it my way. I really like the style that this has,
have fun,
Erin

[Sunny Skye]

Damn right i like it my way lol just kidding i like your suggestions and i will fix it thank you for the suggestions and glad you enjoyed it. Thank you.

[Ees]

Awesome. I just want to make sure that when I say these things people don't think that they have to believe me! I think those will make this good poem awesome!
Thanks for being so cool and sharing your writing and being open to suggestions. I can tell that you are one awesome chick!

[Sunny Skye]

Lol thank you and yes i am or i've been told lol i can tell you are too you you also seem very energetic.

[Ees]

Thanks! Sometimes I am too energetic though! haha

p.s I wonder if you might like to review my most recent poem, "worn out, used up faces" I included some dialogue type talk into that poem, let me know what you think of the way that I have it, if you've got the time.
thanks

[Sunny Skye]

Lol! Sure i will check it out right now i have nothing better to do

[James William Dyer]

Nice. Read like a song to me, it has a lyrical quality.

[Sunny Skye]

Thank you

[Coyote Poetry]

Good flow of thoughts and I like the logic in your words. Good to see things for what they are. I like the strong ending to the excellent poem.
Coyote

[J. Viands]

It is a strong exposure to who you are witch is strong and self respecting the type of piece that could help some good write but I would change in the football team to on the football team

[Sunny Skye]

Thank you and i will fix that error of in the football team to on, thank you i appreciate it

[Steven Cash]

very nice

an error or two, but easily fixed

great job!

[Sunny Skye]

Thank you

[Destinyxi]

ahh the typos the typos x.x must be corrected. Ees named many of them haha so I won't repeat where the mistakes are.

This is a great poem, I can easily relate. Good work!

[Sunny Skye]

Yes i tried fixing some of them but then again i was never good with commas lol but glad you enjoyed it and thank you for the comment.

[Ahmad Cox]

I love this poem. It brought a smile to my face. Sadly enough I know guys like this too.

[Sunny Skye]

Yep there is always someone everyone knows like this some how. Glad ou enjoyed it thanks for the comment. :D

[Ahmad Cox]

No problem. I have enjoyed reading your poems so far. I sent you some of mine you might appreciate as well.

[Sunny Skye]

Thank you i will check them out

[Ahmad Cox]

Cool thanks

[Sunny Skye]

my pleasure

[Amanda]

Nice job :)

[Sunny Skye]

Thank you