To besiege with poetry

A poem of mine that I translated from Swedish to English. For some reason the hope I tried to express with my original poem got lost in translation..

You can weave your words in poetry

Make my heart shriek

In a heavenly discontent song

Of that which has passed

Since long

A poem about trenching

To steer underwater currents

Of toxic dreams

From one place to another

In my map of torn up seams

In the violent flow

of downward streams

 

You can shine on stage

And portray with your presence

My tired old steps

A lost reindeer on slippery ice

Drifting further away, forgotten

On your well-oiled lies

Oh, the grand theater of the world

Is indeed a feisty ground

For the easily deceived

Hearts of the many drowned

 

With promises adorned in fool’s gold

Emblazoned

By your words so pretty

But so adversely passive

That it fells me to my knees

In abandoned release

For you encourage with your poetry

Dead eyes and malicious competition

To isolate our struggles

Into malcondition

An ice sheet stretched

Along the worldwide beach

To isolated islands

Now beyond our reach

 

Drenched bodies resting quietly

In the wake of their past

Fireflies casually dropping

Until the very last

At the sight of your disarming pen

spouting poetry with a message

So cold and content

Reviews

[Lisasview]

Oh yes and I think you might enjoy my poem Forevermore... You will find it in my long list of poems...
Lisa

[Lisasview]

Good morning from Spain,
So are you saying that you are not happy with the translation?
The thoughts in your poem could easily be worked on to make more sense...right?
I say this because I did like it even though I felt it was a bit scattered.
One of the issues are your tenses...
for example:
"Drenched bodies resting quietly
In the wake of our past"
GREAT LINE... but would read better....
Drenched bodies resting quietly in the wake of their past. So their instead of our....
I am no expert but I believe their is correct.

Lisasview

[Skybound]

Thank you for your input and good morning from Sweden! No, I slightly prefer the translation over the original, it's just that the underlying message and feeling of the poem changed, which was interesting since it keeps happening.

Maybe the problem is that I’m dribbling between multiple perspectives (I, You, Us, Their), making it a confusing read? Do I understand you correctly? I agree that *their is preferable here.

Regarding your comment about it being scattered. Yes, it is, and to a certain degree, that is just a stylistic choice. But there is of course a line I must toe here, so the message is not completely lost in a fog of confusion :) Still I like to leave my poems a bit muddy. But defining perspectives is absolutely important and something I will remember in the future.

I will also read and comment on "Forevermore" that you suggested, but later tonight.

[Lisasview]

You are most welcome… leaving it muddy in metaphors is always good…
Lisasview

[Red Brick Keshner]

Loved the image of the 'reindeer on slippery ice' which stood out to me as I read this poem. Being drenched and resting, cold and content brings me back to many wonderful days by the ocean. Much enjoyed!