Setting (please help make a better title)'

This is the prologue of a book that im thinking about writing. There isn't very much background info, but thats the way i want it. I really want to use this opportunity to get feedback on my writing.

 Setting

 

“Alright! Alright” the bellowed the King with frustration.

“Ugh” he muttered under his breath “What’s the next order of business then?”

“Well, uhm, sire” the thin announcer stuttered nervously, his eyes darting between the already frustrated and annoyed King and the undead eyes of his advisor, “There is still the pending issue with the state of the walls, your highness”

Silence filled the room as everyone waited anxiously for the king to respond, wondering if this was the last straw and the last announcer. The announcer had already taken a defensive step back in fear of the oncoming uproar.

Instead the advisor, who had been unusually quiet during this morning’s meeting with the council, spoke “My dear, we have been over this issue numerous times, the city cannot prioritize the reparation of the city walls at this time”

“Yes, I understand that, but we need to, at the very minimum, set a date for when the royal council can fully debate the issue” the announcer stammered, already fearing the response his outburst might cause.

“What is there left to debate on?” the advisor snared from behind his book “Our enemies are still hurled up behind their city walls like rats.” For the first time the advisor looked up from his book, directly at the announcer, “and besides, our army is still as strong as ever, who would have the audacity to attack the King’s Own?”

 

“Say that to those who attacked you last summer” a voice rumbled from the shadows, “And to those that dared the summer before that”

A dim figure started to take shape in the shadows, the occasional flicker of the massive fire in the center of the room hesitantly touched his dark robe as if even the light fear him. He sandals and robes quietly brushed against the worn stones as he entered more and more into the light, the announcer stepped out of his way more out of molded and beaten routine instead of willingness.

The King, who had since the robed man spoke, shifted upright in his chair and put his focus on the man that stood before him. First to his left and then to his right he heard shuffling of feet and the slow unsheathing of swords. He took a quick glance over, he saw his men moving in shadows. Their eyes fixed on fixed on the man in the center of the room. But with a quick fling of his hand, the King’s Own retreated back into the darkness.

“Who are you?” the advisor demanded, trying to sound unimpressed by the cloaked man, but the squeak in his voice told him otherwise.

The king looked over at his trembling advisor and chuckled, “Well, since I don’t know how you got past my guards and into this meeting and I would like to know how you did it.”  He said calmly, while his rage filled eyes shot to his advisor, “State your business”

 

The man removed his worn hood, despite the limited light, it was clearly visible that the robe had been patched and repatched numerous times. From underneath his hood came a shining baldhead that had been browned from a lifetime underneath the sun. His patchy, untrimmed white beard, the wrinkles around his eyes and forehead gave him an aging look. Yet if the eyes continued their path downward from the head it became very clear that this man was anything but old. Despite being covered from head to toe in cheap fabric, when he swayed his arms, large muscles were still easily distinguishable in the poor light.

 

“My business, your highness” the robed man spoke as he made deep bow “is to serve and protect”

“Is that so” the king almost hummed whilst stroking his oily beard “and how do you suppose you will do that old man?” the king roared with laughter.

The cloaked man just stood, staring, listening as the room around him filled with uncomfortable laughter. “Well I could try and persuade you to start repairing your cities walls?” the old man grinned

“I’ll give it to you straight old fool” the king rumbled, “We do not have the funds for a project such as the one you suggest”

“Let me tell you a story, or well a prediction if you continue to go down this road, if your highness would allow it of course.”

After staring at the old man for a moment the king gave a reluctant nod, to which the old man responded with a grin.

 

“Imagine, if you will, the enemy is at your door step. You had seen them coming and rushed to make some kind of repairs to the walls while you still could. However, you know it is not enough and after days of pounding the brittle walls, they do the inventible and crumble. Enemy soldiers pour into the city like water from a waterfall. Your men fight bravely and honorably as they try to keep the oncoming hoards back. As the fighting rages on around the city walls, the rest of the city is in chaos and disarray, people running, screaming trying to find a way out of the city, trying to find a way to make death wait a little while longer. All the while you, my lord, watch from your palace window as your city burns, as your people are slaughtered, raped and sold of as slaves, but the worst is yet to come.

As your men struggle to hold the line, more and more enemy soldiers slip past them and move further into the turmoil, which you once called your city. Gold, silver, women and other treasures that lay deep within the heart of the city easily distract most. Some of these soldiers, however, are smart and experienced in the art of looting and know that the greatest treasure is held here, in this palace. They avoid and ignore everything and everyone around them, their mind, their soul, their heart set to one thing and one thing only.

As they run through the corridors and hallways hunting for loot, they spot you. They stumble to a halt, catching their breath, adjusting to the limited light. You stand frozen, eyes darting between the three men and their weapons. The enemy soldiers move up, slowly, cautiously, fearing that there is the possibility of an ambush. Edging closer and closer, as they notice the fear in your eyes, a smile begins to take shape on their face. All the while you are still frozen, firmly attached to the walls you know so well, breathing heavy, fearing the moment to come, but knowing that there is nothing you can do to alter the course of history.

Suddenly a shock fills your body, you gasp for air, and you realize that the soldiers are now within arms reach, laughing and smiling, no fear of death. You feel a warm liquid flow down legs, you think its piss, you hope its piss, but as you look down your eyes are locked on the large piece of steel that is dug into your flesh. Your eyes move past the blade, now dripping with blood, to the puddle beginning to take shape around your feet. A new shock, more pain and again a lack of breath as the enemy soldier waves his blood-covered blade in front of your face, all the while smiling. Without thinking you find yourself grasping at the wound in your side, tears staring to form behind your eyes, you desperately try to blink them away, only to find your world go black. After a moment you regain consciousness, you look down both ends of the hallway and catch a glimpse of the enemy soldiers before they turn a corner.

You are alone once again, you can make out the screams of your people beyond the palace wall, you can smell their burnt flesh, you can smell death. Suddenly you remember, you quickly look down, to see your hands covered in blood and more blood flowing onto them. As you try to stand up the immense pain in your side forces you back down. Your head is pounding, you can hear your heart beat in your chest, you put a hand to your head and you feel a slight bump from where you were hit by the pommel of the sword. You make another attempt to stand, you grunt and stumble with pain, your hands leave blood smeared on the yellow stone walls, but you take no notice, all you can think about is getting out, getting away. The pain once again forces you to your knees; you look down panting, covered in sweat, blood dripping onto the floor.

You muster the strength to get back up, leaning heavily on the walls you make it to the palace eastern garden. As you move past the many potted plants and exquisite flowers, you can feel your stomach turning, you throw up the most succulent meat you had for dinner that night. As you reach the center of the garden, you fall to your knees, your eyesight is blurry from the loss of blood, and the burning pain in your side forces you to take a breath. For only a moment in time, do you feel you have to strength to stand. Instead you fall, head tumbling toward the ground and with a thud you reach the ground. You lay still, letting your pounding headrest against the stone path. With the last bit of strength you turn over, to lay on your back, all the while grunting and gasping for air.

You find peace as you look up at the moon and stars, the pain slowly flows from your body along with the blood, you know that you don’t have long now. Thinking back onto your life, from the very first memory you have to this very moment. You think back to your father, how he had taught you everything, how he molded you into the man you are. Think back to your mother, her kind smile, her soft voice, and her comforting arms.

But I will tell what you are not thinking about, while you are lying there in the middle of the eastern garden. Covered in your own vomit, blood, sweat, tears, yes tears my lord, tears longing to be back in your mother’s arms. Emits all this, the screaming, the clashing of steel, the smell of burning flesh, you wont be wondering how much money you have in your treasury.”

 

The end

Author's Note

This is the first piece I have written, so give it to me straight. Please help me with the title I really cant think of a good one. Also if you have question or comments you know where to leave them ;)
P.S enjoy the read, hope you like it

Reviews

[SteppinUp]

Hi, SkyYearningFrodo!

It's hard to put your opening piece in perspective, so it's also difficult to truly determine the effectiveness of the prologue. I DO understand that you want it this way, but please understand that means I can review only your grammar, punctuation, spelling, and sentence structure, but not the context of the narrative.

You have many grammatical and punctuation issues, plus a few spelling and word usage problems, in your prologue. It is weighted down with repetitive and inefficient wording. Believe me, that becomes crucial, not only in attracting an agent, but also in keeping your reader engaged and in meeting word count guidelines, based on your genre. You want every word to count, and when your sentences are repetitive or just plain too word-heavy, the reading becomes labored.

Sometimes it's hard to follow who's speaking -- for example, mid-way somewhere you refer to the "robed man" speaking again. But there's no prior reference to a robed man who has already spoken. The only specific reference to a man in a robe is the one who emerges from the shadows, but that person did not speak. Little inconsistencies like this get in the way of easy reading and also get noticed (in a bad way!) by editors and agents. So really work on these things. From my own experience, I'd strongly suggest you establish a firm personal discipline of maintaining excellent sentence structure, spelling, and verb usage at all times, even in early drafts. That discipline can only make your writing better and more marketable. There are some run-on sentences that should be split into two sentences and a couple of sentence fragments that stop the smooth flow for the reader. If you go back and really cull your words, I'd wager you'll find the end result more satisfying.

You wanted it straight -- I hope I'm not TOO straight! But I offer what I think will help you. Keep up with the effort. I'd be interested in seeing where this story goes. Sorry, I can't help you with the title until I see more of the story. If I had to name it right now, I'd call it Blood 'n Guts! :-)

[Some Guy]

I'd cut down on the description of the dialogue I.E. "ugh" he muttered under his breath because this follows on directly after another line of dialogue the description seems to break the flow. but other than that its really good.