Day Two

If anything, I just feel fatter....

Somehow, through the mess of my bedroom and the hurt of my heart, I found a way to get ready this morning. I tossed back yet another ADHD pill and went into my bathroom. I took a long, candle lit, bubble bath where I was just able to think, the bubbles hid the flaws I saw in myself, the candles calmed my emotions, which were going CRAZY! For a short moment in time I was able to just relax and forget how horrible I look. I was able to be ME!!! But it wasn't very long before the bubbles faded away and there was my fat, ugly body, magnified by the bath water I was floating in. After soaking for nearly an hour and a half and becoming more wrinkly than a 90 year old woman, I finally climbed out of the bathtub. Standing there dripping water all over the floor I stare at myself in the mirror. I wrap myself in my biggest towel and go to my desk in the next room to grab a marker; I walk back into the bathroom, drop my towel and circle all of the areas of my body that I hate... My stomach, my hips, the shape of my ribcage, the fat on the inside of my thighs, all of my scars, my collar bones that poke out too much, my nose that is too big for my face, my mouth filled with metal, my bushy eyebrows that I can't afford to wax, my large calves, my butt that used to stand so perky, firm, and cute but now is just fat, flabby, and gross... I decide to stop circling... I stare at myself and burn this image of all of these hideous parts of my body in my head. I know I cant change all of them but I sure as hell can try! I hop into the shower really fast to wash off all of the magic marker scribbled all over my body. When I get out of the shower I dry off quickly and put on my favorite purple robe and slippers. I look in the mirror and say to myself "Gail, you are so much better than your body makes you look. Its time to change your appearance so other people can like you more" I give my self one of those 'you can do it' glairs and walk away. I go to my room and get dressed. shorts and a t-shirt just like every day. Once I was all ready to go I grabbed my laptop and headed to Starbucks where I ordered a Tall Strawberries and Crème and worked on my sign language project. I get about half of it done but I had to leave at 2:45 to go pick up Jorie from daycare. I had to stop by her moms work to get her car seat and then got to go surprise my favorite little 3 year old and take her home early. We quoted Lilo and Stitch the entire drive back to Long Beach where we got FroYo and hot chocolate and waited for my friends, Desiree and Joey, from my sign language class to show up. The three of us are working on our final project together. I put a movie on my laptop to distract the little one and we did all of out work for the project on Joey's laptop. We actually got a lot done. We packed up all of our stuff and Jorie and I went to drive through McDonalds. *CRAPPPPP! I have no way of getting out of this one!* "a kids meal cheese burger with an orange hi-C for the little girl and a number 14 for myself, small with a sprite, please" We went home while I silently yelled at myself for eating so many calories. Luckily, the kiddo was done eating before I was so I got to go play with her instead of finishing my meal. We played for hours! Her mom finally came to pick her up at 11:45 and I went to bed. It wasn't a very interesting day, I know, but it was a tough one.