"..if only.."

Of a childless father

Gray skies blocked out every piece of blue turning the world colorless. Tree's dead from color scattered everywhere and the streets were completely deserted. Few people walked soullessly along the graveyard. Marble grave stones and statues of the sad angels.

A man stood among the graves. His soul far too weary for his age. Thick skin and calloused hands. Tired eyes hidden from view from the brim of his cap. His neck hidden by the collar of his thick coat against the cold.

His fingers fumbled with a cigarette. Lighting up the angry orange that let off gray of its own. 

He breathed in deeply. Smoke rolling out of his nose before he returned his attention to the tomb.

--Here lies Amy Valentine, a daughter that left too soon--

                           2008-2014

No words of comfort. No pitying gazes. Only wilting flowers scattered across the grave. Faded red of roses. Purples and pinks of decaying Two-lips. And... "Daisies. she always did love daisies." His rough voice sliced through the brooding silence. 

"Every time, we would go past the flower shop. She would grab my hand and pull me towards the daisies..."

His story spoke to no one. Nor were his words meant for anyone. Only the wind listened.

"..I remember when she was still crawling. Waddling around with a big diaper with huge eyes full of joy. Scampering across the hardwood floor as fast as her little chubby legs would let her go... She looks like her mother."

Again the smoke drifted from his chapped lips. His eyes glistening with the deep sorrow that didn't make a sound.

"Thick messy brown hair, always in a mess. Chubby cheeks and those.. big blue eyes of hers. Lighter than the sky, I'd tell her. She'd just laugh at me. That.. beautiful laugh.

"Maybe if I wasn't her father, Maybe if I was more responsible.. Maybe.. if she was someone else's child she'd still be alive." 

The words silenced the whisper among the tree branches looming over his head. The wind quieted, tickling across his bare skin in a cold caress, beckoning him to go on.

"I miss her... I would trade my life if it meant she would be here. So she can enchant others with her massive grin. Her unstoppable spirit. 

"Every time she would come home from school she would jump on me. Tell every detail of her day as though she visited mars. Or when she brought home a friend and would go flying through the house, screaming to the top of her lungs in enjoyment as she was chased.

"Making forts, and snowmen, Hot coco in front of the fire and.. Christmas again. Halloween.."

A dry, humorless laugh escaped him.

"She dressed up as a princess. Complaining about the dress every step of the way. Fairy wings on her back and a magic wand in her hand, skipping around to the delighted candy passers and shouting Trick or Treat!

"..If I just.. Maybe if I just...

"If I just walked outside..

"If I just.. saw that car coming when she was playing with her doll..

"If I just.. had another chance.

"If only..

"if only I had another chance.."