This story is for all the opiate users out there. I wanna just say that there will always be hope at the end of the tunnel, despite what is happening right now. I don't care what your going through and neither does the rest of the world; Its hard to hear but to everyone else we are just junkies and need to suck it up. You are the only one that is able fix yourself, since no one else can, just as you have broken yourself, no one else did.
Right now I am sitting at the tail end of a very tedious and painful detox from Suboxone. I have been so low that I have wanted to just end it all recently, but I will leave that for later. Let me start with a little history.
I am only 20 years old and am an opiate addict. It all began when I was about 14, coming down off of a multi-day ecstacy binge I was feeling for the first time a sickness, I was in bed and it hurt to move. I made my way over to the cubboard to find some Tylenol 3s (I know weak), I then proceeded to pop the pills, not before long I had consumed all 20something pills. I slept the rest of the day away just to feel 100% the next day. After this I occaisonally got some percs for recreational purposes. This was on and off til one time, an aquaintance at school told me he had 80mg Oxys for dirt cheap, so I picked up a few. Let me say before I continue that during this time I was going through some hard psychological issues; mainly depression and paranoia w/panic episodes. Anyways, I crushed up an 80, and sniffed it, coating and everything (I had no idea what I was doing). Most people say they puked the first time they did an 80, not me I was flying. The euphoria was the best thing I have ever felt, my extremeties tingled and I had iches that felt so good to scratch, I loved life for once. From that day on I had made a new best friend. I continued to do this, till I turned 18 when I got really deep into them, it was all that mattered, I needed oxys to function, if not at least some percs or hydros; anything to take away the pain of life. Thats why we do this, the pain. After a while I got sick of it all and sought help at Christmas 08' at a nearby Methadone Clinic that was reffered to me by a co-worker. I stayed on treatment for a very very short while, after 2 months on the juice I went through the end of a serious relationship and began to hurt myself. One night, I decided to take as much ativan as my was left in a script I had, I oded. I was hospitalized and put into the psych ward where I was dropped down to a super low dose of methadone that I jumped off of while in there. My psych meds and my od blacked out most of the withdrawal pains. I was released on a parade of bug pills (ssris', benzos, and antipsychotics) After a month or two I dropped all these meds. I was doing good no opiates. I tried to od on seroquel one night, took like 3500mg (didn't know it wouldn't kill me, just messed me up). I just drank and drank for almost everyday during a 3 month period. I got a job out west and left the province to go work on a farm for 2 months, I stopped drinking for the most part while out there cause I worked almost every day. I came back to my hometown here in Southern Ontario, Just to shortly get right back into the oxys, I did this off and on for about a month before I was right back to where I started. Moving weed and mushrooms and selling crack for a buddy held up my habit for a bit, snorting up to 3 or 4 80s on a good day or a handful of percs on a bad one.
I started a new job working midnights at a stamping plant, stopped dealing and slowly worked myself off the pills for a few months but this didn't last long, I hopped back on the wagon with percs and within days I was back on the OCs. I ended up walking out on the job after exploding on the foreman while having a sick night. After loseing my job, I got deeper and deeper until I had to try everything to get pills, dealing didn't work out, and I pawned all my stuff as well as alot of my families stuff (only to get a few of thier things back later on). Getting pills was getting harder and harder, stealing only did so much. Eventually, I caved and couldn't handle the amount of days I spent wallowing in pain. Back to the Methadone Clinic I go... This time they had to put me up to 75mg just to level me out 100%. At some point and I cannot remember the exact reason why but I decided to come off my methadone after about 7 months at 75mg a day. I went through the most brutal withdrawl in my entire life, I felt like I was dying so I checked myself into detox, despite the valium, clonidine, ommodium and ibuprofen I was going nuts so I check myself out after only a day and a half. Relapsed hard with percs, t3s, oxys, and demerol. Went back to the clinic and got on Suboxone, determined to quit I tapered myself down from about a month at 16mg a day to 2mg very rapidly then jumped off for hopefully the last time. I had about 6 8mg pills left and had to sell them to a buddy who recently oded from pills to get the temptation outta my face. The first 2 days were cake then day 3 happened and things got bad, by day 5 I was a wreck, I couldn't sit still, couldn't sleep eat, got dehydrated, RLS, diarrhea, headaches, aches, pains, anxiety, anger, depression, yawning, tearing, sneezing. Clonazepam eased my anxiety and RLS for one day then I decided no more benzos either. It wasn't until about day 10 that I felt even the slightest bit better. I am at about 2 weeks in and yesterday I had the best day I've had without a crutch in a very long time, I felt fine. Then today came and I got severly depressed, contemplated suicide. Despite the physical symptoms having faded (w/ exception to ridiculous insomnia, with minor chills and diarrhea), the mental anguish is killing me but I am 100% determined to quit, no matter what happens. I am leaving in 2 weeks for a job in Alberta, I need to get away from this city. My girlfriend hates me for it but she doesn't understand, she just sees it as my leaving her.
I have learnt something very valuable today that every person detoxing from any opiate should know. When you decide to stop it will get overwhelming, despite the physical symptoms fading you will begin to feel over-powering emotions, and alot of physical pains. But this is NORMAL!!! Normal people get depressed, and their body is able to feel pain. So you need to realize that your mind will take a while to adjust, hang in there, I am, I wont take the easy route out, I am taking the right path. Still suffering but I am living and sober for that matter.
So don't just live life, feel it. Take the pain and ride it out. Things get better.
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Subscribe
Flag Writing
