Hmm, I'll be as honest as I can be here, this didn't do a lot for me because it came off as rather dry. Phrases like "smooth like her voice" and "pouting / dark lips pushed out" are very familiar in this type of writing, which means that they've become diluted and lose meaning the more they're used. My advice here is to flex the creative muscles and come up with new descriptions that at purely your own. That's part of the joy of poetry.
Also consider the sound of it. Poetry requires consideration of the underlying rhythms and consonance and assonance formed by the words. That's what helps give a poem its "music."
That's my advice, don't mean to seem like I'm nagging or putting you down, but giving my honest reaction to it. Think about what you could say about this scene that hasn't been said yet, make it your own.
Posted 10 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Thank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain yo.. read moreThank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain your point of view. I go for some sibilance here and there to communicate the sliminess of her actions, so I'm unsure what you mean about the consonance unless you dislike the sounds I've created, if that makes sense?
10 Years Ago
Well, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance wo.. read moreWell, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance would help the S-consonant sections emphasize themselves in a different way. Just my thought.
Reviews
Wow, I do like the way you write... this is seductive, yet, very raw, and gives the reader the perfect visions. It could be a scene out of a movie right away, thank you for sharing this.
You create vision of shoes and control. Feet of woman can leave a man hanging and wishing for more. I like how you ended the poem. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote
As a man, concepts like these are foreign too me. Which makes it all the more impressive that i enjoyed this immensely. Didn't drag on, wrote enough to prove your point. And did it elegantly at that. Well done my friend
I liked this a lot, I could picture what she looked like in my mind. Only comment I have for this is the ending was a bit shaky with the wording, but also very powerful. Maybe change "the skin" I'm not sure but its something blocking the flow that you held so nicely throughout the poem. All in all very nice good job c:
I really appreciate people who review and will happily return the favour. Look at 'Make a Move' as I am primarily a story writer.
I give honest reviews because I want to help people improve their w.. more..