Just For Kicks

Just For Kicks

A Poem by Persona

Glaring obsessively in the mirror,

Posing and pouting,

Dark lips pushed out,

Heavy eye shadow slapped on

She steps back,

Slips on her best snake skin heels

Admires the curve of the stiletto

Slim-lined like her body

Smooth like her voice:

A perfect seductress

She reels them in, one every night

 

One still trapped, chained to the bed,

Bruised from stiletto dents in the skin

Groans from the agony and his own stupidity.


She kisses his forehead and the last thing

he sees is the back of her heel

as he drifts into unconsciousness.

© 2014 Persona


Author's Note

Persona
Honest, helpful feedback please

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Featured Review

Hmm, I'll be as honest as I can be here, this didn't do a lot for me because it came off as rather dry. Phrases like "smooth like her voice" and "pouting / dark lips pushed out" are very familiar in this type of writing, which means that they've become diluted and lose meaning the more they're used. My advice here is to flex the creative muscles and come up with new descriptions that at purely your own. That's part of the joy of poetry.

Also consider the sound of it. Poetry requires consideration of the underlying rhythms and consonance and assonance formed by the words. That's what helps give a poem its "music."

That's my advice, don't mean to seem like I'm nagging or putting you down, but giving my honest reaction to it. Think about what you could say about this scene that hasn't been said yet, make it your own.

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain yo.. read more
VennelaMargame

10 Years Ago

Well, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance wo.. read more



Reviews

Wow, I do like the way you write... this is seductive, yet, very raw, and gives the reader the perfect visions. It could be a scene out of a movie right away, thank you for sharing this.

- Elisa

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you for reviewing and you're welcome.

10 Years Ago

The pleasure is mine. :)
i loved the imagery you projected! i had a very clear vision of the scene you were portraying! Nicely penned:)

Posted 10 Years Ago


Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you laalaxox :)
You create vision of shoes and control. Feet of woman can leave a man hanging and wishing for more. I like how you ended the poem. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 10 Years Ago


Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you a lot Coyote. :)
I like your vivid descriptions. It makes it easier for readers to catch up with the idea and message. Well done.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you Thrinna
Thea

10 Years Ago

It's always a pleasure to read someone's work. You're welcome.
As a man, concepts like these are foreign too me. Which makes it all the more impressive that i enjoyed this immensely. Didn't drag on, wrote enough to prove your point. And did it elegantly at that. Well done my friend

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you very much SADS :)
This poem invokes first a feeling of a vain woman, and it turns to something infinitely more. Thanks for that.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Persona

10 Years Ago

Welcome thanks for reading.
I liked this a lot, I could picture what she looked like in my mind. Only comment I have for this is the ending was a bit shaky with the wording, but also very powerful. Maybe change "the skin" I'm not sure but its something blocking the flow that you held so nicely throughout the poem. All in all very nice good job c:

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you.
Very dark seductive piece. Nice flow.
Liked it.


Posted 10 Years Ago


Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you.
I like this, its short and to the point but it still gets the message across. Nice work

Posted 10 Years Ago


Persona

10 Years Ago

Thank you.

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867 Views
20 Reviews
Rating
Added on July 2, 2014
Last Updated on July 5, 2014
Tags: Just For Kicks, poem

Author

Persona
Persona

Birmingham, West Midlands, United Kingdom



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