Just For Kicks

Glaring obsessively in the mirror,

Posing and pouting,

Dark lips pushed out,

Heavy eye shadow slapped on

She steps back,

Slips on her best snake skin heels

Admires the curve of the stiletto

Slim-lined like her body

Smooth like her voice:

A perfect seductress

She reels them in, one every night

 

One still trapped, chained to the bed,

Bruised from stiletto dents in the skin

Groans from the agony and his own stupidity.

She kisses his forehead and the last thing

he sees is the back of her heel

as he drifts into unconsciousness.

Author's Note

Honest, helpful feedback please

Reviews

[VennelaMargame]

Hmm, I'll be as honest as I can be here, this didn't do a lot for me because it came off as rather dry. Phrases like "smooth like her voice" and "pouting / dark lips pushed out" are very familiar in this type of writing, which means that they've become diluted and lose meaning the more they're used. My advice here is to flex the creative muscles and come up with new descriptions that at purely your own. That's part of the joy of poetry.

Also consider the sound of it. Poetry requires consideration of the underlying rhythms and consonance and assonance formed by the words. That's what helps give a poem its "music."

That's my advice, don't mean to seem like I'm nagging or putting you down, but giving my honest reaction to it. Think about what you could say about this scene that hasn't been said yet, make it your own.

[Persona]

Thank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain your point of view. I go for some sibilance here and there to communicate the sliminess of her actions, so I'm unsure what you mean about the consonance unless you dislike the sounds I've created, if that makes sense?

[VennelaMargame]

Well, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance would help the S-consonant sections emphasize themselves in a different way. Just my thought.

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Beautifully honest. I loved reading this. :-) nicely penned.

Kaze~

[Willow Radcliffe]

Very good imagery, although a little dark. But I assume that's what you were going for

[NotaBene]

For some reason I am kinda picturing a dominatrix reeling in men and abusing them , but they seem to enjoy it. I am not sure that is what you are going for. That being said, I do enjoy the descriptiveness of this poem, you can paint a picture! :)

[Persona]

Thank you for reading Eliana.

[Patricia]

Ok, only honesty between us and that is how it is between us since we met, you gave me wonderfully humbling honesty so I will try to be so with your writing... so let me start by saying, I really luv the feel of it, there is an obvious harsh sexy undertones but they are delivered too obvious, I know you can do something more mysterious with this feeling, it also lacks a middle, it has a beginning and an end but there is no middle, it has a need to be more something really shocking yet appealing just as you did with the ending. It was like you got the motor running and then turned off the key and I can clearly see you have the ability and talent to give a spectacular middle. Though take into consideration I make no claims to be an expert in critiquing except that what I took i high school and few courses in college. But I have been writing and reading it since I was ten and I can spot someone with a true grit ability to write and grab the reader...that would be you. :)))

[Anastasia Stale]

An interesting topic you have here. I find it unique to read something like this, dear. However, some of your descriptions came out too obvious and uncreative. There could have been better details. I agrEe with VennelaMargame's review. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this.

[Gabby Nieves]

I like this versions ending a lot better, it flows greatly. Nice job

[Persona]

Thank you.

[Alia ZJ.]

A picture perfect poem. Especially your play with the word 'stilleto' :)

[Persona]

Thank you Ghalia.

[MsJewel]

The images you created are so clear I feel as if I'm watching this naughty little scene unfold. Powerful writing. I enjoyed it very much.
:) Julie

[Persona]

Thank you for reading.

[Pryde Foltz]

A short story of a write that calls out for more instalments. Very well-written and loved the title. (And I wonder who you are? Persona, indeed?

[Persona]

Don't worry I'm not the seductress character! :) Thank you.