Hmm, I'll be as honest as I can be here, this didn't do a lot for me because it came off as rather dry. Phrases like "smooth like her voice" and "pouting / dark lips pushed out" are very familiar in this type of writing, which means that they've become diluted and lose meaning the more they're used. My advice here is to flex the creative muscles and come up with new descriptions that at purely your own. That's part of the joy of poetry.
Also consider the sound of it. Poetry requires consideration of the underlying rhythms and consonance and assonance formed by the words. That's what helps give a poem its "music."
That's my advice, don't mean to seem like I'm nagging or putting you down, but giving my honest reaction to it. Think about what you could say about this scene that hasn't been said yet, make it your own.
Posted 10 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Thank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain yo.. read moreThank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain your point of view. I go for some sibilance here and there to communicate the sliminess of her actions, so I'm unsure what you mean about the consonance unless you dislike the sounds I've created, if that makes sense?
10 Years Ago
Well, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance wo.. read moreWell, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance would help the S-consonant sections emphasize themselves in a different way. Just my thought.
For some reason I am kinda picturing a dominatrix reeling in men and abusing them , but they seem to enjoy it. I am not sure that is what you are going for. That being said, I do enjoy the descriptiveness of this poem, you can paint a picture! :)
Ok, only honesty between us and that is how it is between us since we met, you gave me wonderfully humbling honesty so I will try to be so with your writing... so let me start by saying, I really luv the feel of it, there is an obvious harsh sexy undertones but they are delivered too obvious, I know you can do something more mysterious with this feeling, it also lacks a middle, it has a beginning and an end but there is no middle, it has a need to be more something really shocking yet appealing just as you did with the ending. It was like you got the motor running and then turned off the key and I can clearly see you have the ability and talent to give a spectacular middle. Though take into consideration I make no claims to be an expert in critiquing except that what I took i high school and few courses in college. But I have been writing and reading it since I was ten and I can spot someone with a true grit ability to write and grab the reader...that would be you. :)))
An interesting topic you have here. I find it unique to read something like this, dear. However, some of your descriptions came out too obvious and uncreative. There could have been better details. I agrEe with VennelaMargame's review. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this.
Hmm, I'll be as honest as I can be here, this didn't do a lot for me because it came off as rather dry. Phrases like "smooth like her voice" and "pouting / dark lips pushed out" are very familiar in this type of writing, which means that they've become diluted and lose meaning the more they're used. My advice here is to flex the creative muscles and come up with new descriptions that at purely your own. That's part of the joy of poetry.
Also consider the sound of it. Poetry requires consideration of the underlying rhythms and consonance and assonance formed by the words. That's what helps give a poem its "music."
That's my advice, don't mean to seem like I'm nagging or putting you down, but giving my honest reaction to it. Think about what you could say about this scene that hasn't been said yet, make it your own.
Posted 10 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Thank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain yo.. read moreThank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain your point of view. I go for some sibilance here and there to communicate the sliminess of her actions, so I'm unsure what you mean about the consonance unless you dislike the sounds I've created, if that makes sense?
10 Years Ago
Well, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance wo.. read moreWell, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance would help the S-consonant sections emphasize themselves in a different way. Just my thought.
I really appreciate people who review and will happily return the favour. Look at 'Make a Move' as I am primarily a story writer.
I give honest reviews because I want to help people improve their w.. more..