Make a Move

Shanna's eyes roamed the contours of his face. High cheekbones, a square jaw and a spotless complexion. She admired all of his features and watched intently as he flicked his long blonde hair out of his eyes. She imagined him doing it in slow motion, watching the sun's rays create rippling effects in his hair. She felt the incredible urge to run her fingers through it. To make an excuse like, 'There's a bit of fluff in your hair' and then pretend to pull something out. He'd think she was helping him, that she was kind, but really she'd satisfy herself.

'Why are you staring at me?' He asked. 
 
The question snapped her out of her daydream. Even though she sat next to him, she hadn't expected he'd notice her staring. ‘There’s a bit of fluff in your hair.’ She wanted to touch him, but he ran his fingers through his hair and shook it around. Shanna's urges prevented her from concentrating. It wasn't like he would allow her to touch his face when they'd just met.
 
‘Thanks.’ He faced the front of the lecture theatre again. He didn’t respond as she’d hoped.
 
 She’d have to suppress her urges and start taking notes. So far all she’d written about Le Morte D’Arthur was ‘smighty smighty smote.’ And a cute stick figure drawing of two people sword fighting. She wouldn’t pass her first year drawing doodles, unless she transferred to Art.
 
Writing down notes quickly became dull and Shanna’s mind returned to the guy beside her. His weighty stare made her mind go blank. In the light of the lecture hall, the mix of colour in his eyes was so alluring and unique. The green hues were in his eyes calmed her, yet the sharp squiggle of yellow excited her, like a lightning bolt. It was as if he was born to spark charges in girls.
 
Shanna shook her head, ashamed. Her plan was to do well academically to make up for her abysmal grades in Sixth form. She didn't plan on working towards finding silly ways to gain a guy's attention. Honestly, he had nice hair and striking eyes. So what? Looks weren't everything. He wasn't the best conversationalist either. If Shanna was going to be with anybody, it'd be a charismatic guy who could ease the tension, rather than increasing it.
 
She decided not to pine after the first attractive person that appeared. Instead, the year would be about making friends and studying. She'd meet some strangers. Maybe join a society or two, something active, where conversation wouldn’t be the biggest focus. Her favourite option was Salsa class.
 
Salsa was hosted in the Guild of Students building. She walked in just after 8pm to a room full of forty people, half male, half female. The class had already begun and the instructor was teaching everyone the basic moves. She had to dance alone, as everyone else was partnered up. She made an odd number. Isolated within a room full of people.
 
They began with the basic mambo. Shanna caught on quickly to the basic steps, right foot back; left foot lifted on the spot, right foot back to centre. It seemed much easier than having to dance with a clumsy partner, as she’d spotted across the room - a large guy man-handled a Japanese girl and kept stepping on her toes. Shanna pulled a face and watched another couple as she moved to the rhythm the instructor counted out. A tall scrawny guy wasn’t guiding his partner like he was supposed to; he couldn’t seem to move with everyone else. When the instructor stepped left, the scrawny guy stepped right.
 
Shanna felt a firm hand on her shoulder. She turned around, dreading what kind of awkward dancer she’d be paired with. Her eyes widened in surprise. ‘Oh, you’re here.’
 
‘My name’s Graham.’ He looked down at her hand and held out his. Graham waited a moment for Shanna to tell him her name, but she just stared at his hand looking confused. Like she wasn’t sure if they were going to shake hands or dance. ‘What’s your name?’
 
Shanna offered her hand, ‘I’m not going to tell you.’
 
‘Then I’ll just call you Stare-girl.’
 
 ‘You know what, I’ll let you.’ She smiled coyly.
 
Graham looked taken aback and shrugged his shoulders, ‘Okay, Stare-girl, do you know the moves?’
 
She nodded.
 
The stereo system was turned on and the music blasted from the speakers. Shanna shouted over the excessively loud music, ‘When I step back with my right foot, you step forward with your left. Like a mirror image.’
 
Unlike she expected, Graham seemed out of his comfort zone just like the other guys. He took a long time to catch on to the rhythm and when the songs changed, he didn’t move to the flow of them. Instead, he moved robotically, as if not hearing the music at all, but concentrating. He pulled a face every time he got it wrong, which was a lot. Shanna felt disheartened by his lack of ability.
 
Shanna tried to focus on the positives, rather than fixating on Graham’s shortcomings. He had a good grip of her hand, which made her feel secure. He pushed back to indicate when she needed to step back and lifted her hand to let her know when to spin. Guiding the dance was his gift.

Watching him bit his lip in deep concentration, as if trying to impress her, Shanna re-adjusted her expectations of Graham. When she first saw him she believed he had judged her harshly for staring at him but maybe she should’ve taken it at face value " that he literally was curious as to why she had stared.
 
Graham focused on his feet, not following the moves of the instructor. He stepped on top of Shanna’s foot. ‘Ow. You know there are better ways to get my attention.’
 
‘I’m trying.’ He moaned.
 
‘To get my attention or to step on my toes?’ Shanna tilted her head up to him, as if subconsciously offering her neck to him.
Graham noticed the change in her body language and became more receptive to it. ‘Both.’ He leaned down to close the gap between them. ‘Dancing on people’s feet is my speciality. Been practising the art of annoying dance partners for years.’ When Shanna felt hot being pushed up against his torso, she felt an intense desire to place her hands on his chest.
 
Shanna breathed deeply and suppressed the feeling. She had to dial down the heat. ‘Is that why you haven’t got a girlfriend?’ Her tone softened, with a hint of sarcasm.
 
‘Who says I haven’t?’ He winked. Clasping her hands, Graham kept her within breathing distance. He moved one of her hands so that it wrapped around his back. Moving her closer allowed him to hide his bad dancing. 'What do you do for fun?' He asked.

'Shopping.' She replied, raising her arm in preparation to spin.

'Oh don't tell me you're one those girls that waste money on handbags and shoes.'
 
She smiled broadly, 'But I need them!' Shanna spun clockwise and then stepped forward, within breathing distance of Graham. They followed the moves the instructor taught, down to the letter.
 
Going back into the basic mambo before repeating the routine again, Graham asked Shanna, 'How many shoes do you have?'
 
'The right amount!' Her eyes flitted to and away from him. He wasn’t looking at her, but stared down at his feet. He obviously wasn’t keen to miss-step and was light on his feet, as needed with Salsa.
 
Graham got into the rhythm, but made the occasional false move when he got cocky. Shanna laughed at his false sense of confidence. By the time Graham got the hang of it, the instructor shouted, ‘Change partners!’
 
Everyone stopped dancing immediately. The others said thank you to each other and the girls moved onto their next partners. Shanna and Graham lingered, as he looked up from his feet and their eyes met. His pupils pulsed and a pleasing smile appeared on his lips. ‘Thank you.’ He said.
 
‘You’re welcome. See you tomorrow.’ Shanna turned around and looked back over her shoulder. Graham smiled at his new partner, but he looked up at Shanna and their eyes met. She felt a twinge fly up her spine, the surprise of his brief eyes upon her, filling her body with joyous energy. Shanna faced her next partner, offering him her hands to begin the routine.
 
Every Wednesday night Shanna returned to Salsa class, rotating around the other guys in the hopes that she would get her five minutes with Graham. He showed up once in a blue moon, but it was worth her going back every time. Not just for him, but she started to click with a few of the other dancers too, mostly the girls. Going out after salsa to the after party gave her the chance to speak to everyone. She sometimes stood by the side lines, waiting for someone to come up and dance with her.
 
Outside of salsa class, Shanna hoped to spot Graham in her lectures. Every time she looked around though, day after day, he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Feeling deflated, Shanna left at the end of the lecture to grab lunch.
 
She reached for a chicken Balti sandwich. An arm brushed against hers. The sleeve was tight against the young man’s arm, showing his protruding muscles. Shanna admired the shape of his arms and looked up to see if his face matched his body. She recognised him immediately.
 
‘Hi, Shanna.’ Graham said.
 
‘Hi.’ Shanna picked up the sandwich and shuffled along the queue to pay. ‘You haven’t been around much lately. Do you know we need 40% attendance?’
 
Graham quickly grabbed a sandwich and stood behind her, ‘Yeah, well, I didn’t like the course. I kept writing ‘smite him down!’ and drew doodles of stick men fighting.’
 
‘I did that too!’ She laughed.
 
Graham smiled. ‘Yeah. You do that sort of thing every day and you start to wonder. So I handed in my leaving forms today.’
 
It took a couple of seconds to sink in, probably because Shanna didn’t want to hear it. She disliked that he would do something like this - something out of her control. Anyone she liked was supposed to stick around and come to flat parties. She hoped he’d only transferred courses. ‘Are you dropping out?’
 
‘Yeah. Uni isn’t for me. I don’t like the course and I don’t know what I want to do with my life.’
 
‘What are you going to do, then?’
 
‘Get a job.’
 
Shanna cast her eyes down as she paid for her sandwich. She wasn’t going to continue the charade of going to salsa and flirting with Graham in the hopes that he might make the first move. She’d waited too long. If only he’d given her a clue that he disliked the course. Maybe she would’ve been more forward.
 
They walked around the University campus grounds. When she and Graham parted ways, she hesitated, but decided to give in to her urge to hug him. His arms encased her like a present, warm, comforting, snug. She raised her head to smell his hair, the scent of coconut penetrating her nostrils. She inhaled his scent; all-encompassing. She pictured the two of them rubbing up against each other’s bodies. Yet he let go just as she delved into her fantasies. She felt like a body without a soul when he released her.
 
‘So you’re really leaving.’ Her tone was dejected. Even though he stood before her, soon she’d walk around campus alone. Her favourite dancing partner (albeit not the best of the dancers) wouldn’t hold her close to him or laugh about his clumsiness. There’d be no more moments when remembered the routine differently to him and they ended up trying to spin round at the same time, only to end up twisted together like twister.
 
She tapped his arm, desperate to touch him as much as possible. ‘You may not have been around long, but you left a mark on me.’ The look they shared felt too intense to bear, so Shanna made a terrible joke, ‘No, literally look at the mark on my face.’
 
Graham beamed, ‘Same here. Maybe I’ll come back and visit.’
 
‘Maybe?’ She poked him, ‘Somebody’s going to be abandoned by her dance partner.’ She pulled a fake sad face, making light of her true feelings.
 
Graham stepped in the space between them, a few inches from her face. ‘Okay, I’ll come back and dance with you.’
 
‘Privately?’
 
Graham raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh.’ His mouth slightly open, stretching into a smile, he breathed more deeply as the realisation dawned on him. ‘I think I’m up for that.’

Author's Note

Please give honest feedback.

Reviews

[Sue Hart]

I enjoyed the short story you have given us. It's tight, strong characters, simple story, and visual with show not tell. You also kept to the rules the editors give you. Never write more than three descriptions per item. Color eyes, hair, size, and that's it, unless it is weaved into the story in other places. Too many descriptions at one time bogs the story down. Yours flows smoothly. Nice job.

[Persona]

Thank you Sue.

[Nicole_S.]

Interesting short story. Not something I would ordinarily read (I'm not into instant-attractions in literature) but I liked how you strung their interactions together. :) Very realistic and flirty, with something of a twist at the end that would make the reader want to know more.

Final thoughts: Cute short story and interesting way of using words (especially liked the 'blue-moon' comment), but not a genre that is of interest to me as a reader *docked three points for that* . :) Still nice job though.

[John Preston]

Yes read it all.
He's just like me-two left feet
Never did manage the fox trot ha-ha
Like it myself
Well done piece.

[C. Rose]

 “The green hues were in his eyes calmed her” Typo.
What is Sixth form?

“Isolated within a room full of people.” Could you include more emotion here? I can guess how this makes her feel, but this is a good opportunity to show it.

I'm glad you gave Graham some shortcomings. It was humorous to think of him pulling faces.

“as if subconsciously offering her neck to him.” confusing visual.

“Graham noticed the change in her body language and became more receptive to it” Telling.

I had fun reading the witty dialogue “but I need them .. the right amount”

I can't find when Shanna tells him her name
When Graham says “Hi Shana”, I thought their last interaction was at Salsa where she said to call her “stare-girl”. Unless I missed a line. But I went back and still didn't see it.

The “look at the mark on my face” paragraph felt crammed. Try breaking it up and adding 'she said's

Is the story going to continue?

[Persona]

Thank you for reading the story and analysing it. I hadn't noticed the typos and will edit the piece straight away. Well weeks pass, so it goes without saying that he'll learn her name eventually. Hi Shanna is much later in the story. No, I won't continue it, mostly because people think it's okay. I use the site to get an idea of what people think, but would only continue something that was considered good.

[Dandelion]

It gave me chills into my stomach! The way it ends makes me want to know what's going to be happening after. Overall, you're a great writer and I enjoy reading your stories!

[Persona]

Thank you.

[Jack Wolfe]

I see you've been busy and its coming along nicely, still a few errors to rework.


Shanna's eyes roamed the contours of his face. (:) High cheekbones, a square jaw and a spotless complexion.  Remember each sentence needs a subject and a verb, and since you're creating a list need a colon, followed by a low case 'H'.

She imagined him doing it in slow motion, watching the sun's rays create rippling effects in his hair.

She imagined him doing it in slow-motion, watching as the sun's rays created (or caused) a rippling effect in his hair.

She felt the incredible urge to run her fingers through it. (through what? By context we know his hair, but sentence wise, it becomes a fragment.)

Even though she sat next to him, (omit) she hadn't expected he'd (him to) notice her staring.

She wouldn’t pass her first year drawing doodles, unless she transferred to Art. (very good line, humorous, and gives a inside look into the way she thinks.)

The green hues (were) in his eyes calmed her,

He wasn't the best conversationalist either. (this line still bugs me, how does she know, she just met him)

She decided not to pine after the first attractive person that appeared(.) Instead, the year would be about making friends and studying(.) She'd meet some strangers (.) Maybe join a society or two,( )something active,() where conversation wouldn’t be the biggest focus.() Her favorite option (was) Salsa class.

She decided not to pine after the first attractive person that appeared, instead, the year would be about making friends and studying; she'd meet some strangers, maybe join a society or two—something active, somewhere where conversation wouldn't be the biggest focus, her favorite option, salsa classes.

I'm a bit pressed at the moment, or else I'd go paragraph by paragraph, but overall its coming along, and the errors I pointed out above are pretty much the same throughout—focus on concise sentences, and remember a subject and a verb (Rocks explode. Cars burn. People run. Any subject and verb make a sentence.) You're on the right track, if you have any questions feel free to contact me.

[just Penny]

Why aren't you happy with the start? I like it. You set the scene perfectly and it's something I know really well, when bored and the mind drifts to the weirdest of places ! The relationship unfolds nicely. I guess the only thing I am not keen on is "The next day" as it's a bit of a weak way to start a paragraph, and more descriptive words could be used, particularly in thoughts and emotions. Am thinking maybe "after another restless night filled with thoughts of..." ? But its really just a minor point and the story is a good one that I enjoyed very much. Penny

[Persona]

Thank you very much Penny. I understand your point and will change it without over-complicating it.

[Mæve Rune]

I love your detailed descriptions. The first paragraph is especially captivating. But, with honesty being the best policy, I must admit that after the first few paragraphs I simply lost interest. You can feel her infatuation for him (that's good to start with), but there's nothing to make me care. For me, I need to be completely enraptured in the story and the characters in order to care.

Keep it up!

[Persona]

Thank you. So is it that I don't get to the salsa class fast enough? Or is it that you don't feel an emotional bond with Shanna because there isn't much of a struggle?

[Mæve Rune]

After re-reading the story, I've discovered that I've made an error--when I read this I felt like Shanna infatuation was very sudden and their relationship moved very quickly, BUT now I realize that short stories have to move quickly in order to get all the events and details in. My mistake! But I would still advise not to make her crush so dominant so fast.

You could add an additional scene to the beginning of the story where they meet for the first time in a brief encounter. There could be an undeniable chemistry between them, which is why he consumes her every thought during lecture... Just a suggestion, I feel like you, being the writer, should be able to pinpoint whether that's a good addition to your story, or if it'll just be excessive.

With that out of the way, I believe the reason I said I lost interest within the first few paragraphs was because I, personally, just don't relate to Shanna. But I suppose there's no way to create a character that EVERYBODY likes--it's virtually impossible.

I apologize if my review has only muddled your thoughts for this story. I feel as though I haven't been much assistance in trying to help you improve. If that is the case, please, simply disregard my review. I review so that I may help writers grow, which I hope I have helped at least a little!

Keep it up!
Mæve Rune

[Jack Wolfe]

Shanna's (little blue) eyes roamed the contours of his face. She watched as he flicked his long, (shiny) blonde hair out of his eyes. It (was like) he was trying to flaunt his best attributes (.) A simple habit, but effective. The sun's rays complimented the hair flick, shining through the window and reflecting a rippled wave effect from his clean, wavy hair. She felt the incredible urge to run her fingers through it. To make an excuse like, 'There's a bit of fluff in your hair' and then pretend to pull something out. He'd think she was helping him, that she was kind, but really she'd satisfy herself.

Though you are writing this from third-person-omniscient point of view, you need to 'show' me the events through Shanna's perceptive rather than telling me, which would be more prevalent if you condensed your sentence to be concise, rather than clunky; an example of this would be omitting needless words, or in the case of the above useless adjectives Shanna's little blue eyes, (if this is being told from her perspective 'Shanna' would not refer to her own eyes, she would simply 'see' with them .. . (Shanna's eyes roamed over the contours of his face. She watched as he flicked his long blonde hair out of his eyes, (omit Shiny as it adds nothing, making it a useless adjective) A simple habit, but effective.

The sun's rays complimented the hair flick, shining through the window and reflecting a rippled wave effect from his clean, wavy hair.

The sun's rays complimented the hair flick, shining through the window and reflecting a rippled wave effect from his clean, wavy hair. (this sentence needs to be reworked, the sun's rays are the subject, thus, they are performing the action).

Even though she sat next to him, she hadn't expected he'd notice her staring. ‘There’s a bit of fluff in your hair.’ She thought about reaching out, but he ran his fingers through his hair and shook it around.

Though she was sitting next to him, she hadn't expected him to notice her staring, There's a bit of fluff in your hair, she thought; she was about to reach out, but before she could, he ran his fingers through it and ruffled it about.

Shanna couldn't understand this overwhelming urge to touch Graham. The guy whose name she didn’t even know yet. (if she didn't know his name yet, don't mention it, since this is being told from her perspective, she can't reveal this information—its the equivalent of the 'Little did he know . . .' factor).

Clearly subtlety wasn’t going to work. What else was she going to do? This is a sentence fragment, combine them into one string of thought.

He wasn't the best conversationalist either. (she doesn't even know his name, how can 'know' he not a great conversationalist?

Feel(ing) deflated,

Once you reached the dance class the story begins to pick up, your character's take on a bit of form, and you managed to give a good description of the surroundings, and the events as they transpired. You also made Shanna likeable, and were able to convey her emotions and thought processes well. An entertaining read, just watch your sentence structures, and try and be more concise, don't tell the reader what is happening, allow them to experience it along side your character.

Theses are only suggestions, and I hope they can be of some help. If you have any questions or comments feel free to contact me. Also, sometimes the formatting on my reviews don't transfer well, so I'll send them via message as well . . .

Take care, and thanks for the read:

[Persona]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story and for the in-depth feedback. I do have a tendency to compose sentences in ways people dislike but no one's rally helped me very much with it. The only part of your review I didn't understand was the bit about the sun's rays.

[Jack Wolfe]

The sun's rays complimented the hair flick, shining through the window and reflecting a rippled wave effect from his clean, wavy hair. (I understand what you're going for here, the problem is its jumbled together, make the sun's rays the subject. e.g. The sun's (rays) filtering in through the window reflected and complimented his hair flick.) or better yet (The sun filtered through the nearby window, reflecting and complimenting his hair flick) Honestly; this whole line really doesn't add anything, other than she's having girlish day-dream. Personally, I would omit it, but that's my preference, but if your going to leave it in rework it so it reads clear and smooth.

[Persona]

Thank you. I don't mind people telling me when to delete lines. I've reworded it and it sounds better (hopefully). I understand where you're coming from. I may see if there are other opinions on that aspect and see what the general consensus is. Thank you again. I really appreciate it.

[Jack Wolfe]

Shanna's (little blue) eyes roamed the contours of his face. She watched as he flicked his long, (shiny) blonde hair out of his eyes. It (was like) he was trying to flaunt his best attributes (.) A simple habit, but effective. The sun's rays complimented the hair flick, shining through the window and reflecting a rippled wave effect from his clean, wavy hair. She felt the incredible urge to run her fingers through it. To make an excuse like, 'There's a bit of fluff in your hair' and then pretend to pull something out. He'd think she was helping him, that she was kind, but really she'd satisfy herself.

Though you are writing this from third-person-omniscient point of view, you need to 'show' me the events through Shanna's perceptive rather than telling me, which would be more prevalent if you condensed your sentence to be concise, rather than clunky; an example of this would be omitting needless words, or in the case of the above useless adjectives Shanna's little blue eyes, (if this is being told from her perspective 'Shanna' would not refer to her own eyes, she would simply 'see' with them .. . (Shanna's eyes roamed over the contours of his face. She watched as he flicked his long blonde hair out of his eyes, (omit Shiny as it adds nothing, making it a useless adjective) A simple habit, but effective.

The sun's rays complimented the hair flick, shining through the window and reflecting a rippled wave effect from his clean, wavy hair.

The sun's rays complimented the hair flick, shining through the window and reflecting a rippled wave effect from his clean, wavy hair. (this sentence needs to be reworked, the sun's rays are the subject, thus, they are performing the action).

Even though she sat next to him, she hadn't expected he'd notice her staring. ‘There’s a bit of fluff in your hair.’ She thought about reaching out, but he ran his fingers through his hair and shook it around.

Though she was sitting next to him, she hadn't expected him to notice her staring, There's a bit of fluff in your hair, she thought; she was about to reach out, but before she could, he ran his fingers through it and ruffled it about.

Shanna couldn't understand this overwhelming urge to touch Graham. The guy whose name she didn’t even know yet. (if she didn't know his name yet, don't mention it, since this is being told from her perspective, she can't reveal this information—its the equivalent of the 'Little did he know . . .' factor).

Clearly subtlety wasn’t going to work. What else was she going to do? This is a sentence fragment, combine them into one string of thought.

He wasn't the best conversationalist either. (she doesn't even know his name, how can 'know' he not a great conversationalist?

Feel(ing) deflated,

Once you reached the dance class the story begins to pick up, your character's take on a bit of form, and you managed to give a good description of the surroundings, and the events as they transpired. You also made Shanna likeable, and were able to convey her emotions and thought processes well. An entertaining read, just watch your sentence structures, and try and be more concise, don't tell the reader what is happening, allow them to experience it along side your character.

Theses are only suggestions, and I hope they can be of some help. If you have any questions or comments feel free to contact me. Also, sometimes the formatting on my reviews don't transfer well, so I'll send them via message as well . . .

Take care, and thanks for the read: