A Word in Edgewise

Anne's Grandma is an excitable, funny lady who likes to see the world only through her perspective.

I tasted Grandma's 5th recipe for cookies. 

"Yuck!" I nearly spat it out, but Grandma walked into the room.

"Oh you're eating one of my cookies! How is it?" She smiled, clasping her hands together.

She thinks she's a great cook, so I swallowed it. My Grandma is the kind of person who gets excited over everything and constantly swaps subjects. I never have to lie to her about anything - she always gets distracted by something else. I'm always glad for that, because she never gets to find out my real opinion about anything - not about her smelly boyfriend that keeps passing wind on the sofa, not about her choice of hair dye (pink, what kind of crazy colour is that)? And especially not about her cooking.

She went over to the kettle and flicked it on, snatching a cookie from the tray. She took a bite and declared it 'The most delicious cookie she ever made.'

"I think my cooking's got better with the years, don't you, Anna?" She was becoming more deluded. Before I could respond, the kettle went off. (It's one of those 3 second ones).

"Oh, would you like some coffee?"

I hate coffee. But Grandma always talks very fast, so even if said something, she'd happily talk over me.

"Of course you'd like coffee!" She said, having a one-way conversation with me. 

She opened up the cupboard and pulled out a teacup with a really horrible old-fashioned flower design. She placed it on the kitchen side and began pouring the coffee into it, then brought it over to me. She noticed my expression changed. (I don't tend to move my face much, it's normally the same expression as Kristen Stewart). 

Grandma, as always, misinterpreted my thoughts, or pretended they were what she wanted them to be. She's a bit like that - if you don't like something, she'll pretend you do because you're a kind, considerate grand-daughter that loves and respects your Grandma enough to tolerate anything from her or to do with her. 

"I see you're admiring my new teacup, dear!"

I was staring at it. Because it was ugly. And coffee smells disgusting. And coffee looks like watery mud.

"I bought that teacup last week, from the same place you bought that breast scratcher. Really, Anna, you should've known the correct term was breast, not b**b."

I shudder every time I think of the back scratcher incident. My Grandma's hard of hearing and she thought I called it a b**b scratcher. Unfortunately, she decided she would try it out. In front of everyone. On Christmas day. She also said, "It's not working, I'm still itchy!" So she took her bra off and slipped it down the edge of the sofa. Her b**b bounced up and down as she scratched it. "Oh that hits the spot!" She said, closing her eyes as she pressed down on it.

My parents sat open mouthed in shock. My face, as always, was neutral. And Grandma's last boyfriend (not the new smelly one) stood across the room, and I don't mean on his feet.

Now, several weeks later, I was staring down into the coffee. Still steaming, still unappealing. 

"Anna, why won't you drink it?" She asked. 

"Grandma..." I began, realising this was probably the first time she'd heard my voice for over 2 weeks. And we see each other every day.

The door bell went.

"Hold that thought dear! We have a visitor!" She sprung out the kitchen and I heard her excitedly answer the door.

She always assumes it's some visitor. You'd think she was expecting a man to deliver a £1 million lottery cheque, considering how excited she gets.

"Don! Oh, I see you've brought Marney."

I hate Marney. He's this ugly, scaly lizard with bulgy eyes and he freaks me out. Once, Grandma dropped her kitchen knife and it fell on Marney's tail. Chopped it off. And it kept wriggling independently. I screamed, probably the first emotion my Grandma ever saw - fear. I hid upstairs until Marney and Grandma's stupid smelly boyfriend Don left my house. 

The worst part is that he lets out a stink bomb on the way in, in every room in the house, and on the way out. You'd think he was challenging himself to pass wind wherever he goes. And he did the same as he walked into the kitchen.

I wrinkled up my nose in protest. (Because to say something, well, Grandma would probably interrupt me anyway).

"Heya Anna!" Grandma's boyfriend hobbled up to me, smiling. His teeth looked perfect to the naked eye, but they were dentures. 

I know, because he likes to leave them around the house.

You don't expect to go into your bathroom to floss your teeth and turn to see a glassful of teeth. Don might as well of put a butchered finger into it. It is one frightening thing when you walk into a bathroom and see a part of the human body.

I waved half-heartedly. 

Don's lizard came round from around his neck and its icky black eyes stared at me. I flinched when its tongue jumped out, and darted back in as if I'd imagined it.

"Oh Anna, Don and I have some great news!" Grandma exclaimed. 

Please let it be that he's replacing his lizard with a dog. Or that he promises to stop leaving toxic gases in his wake. Or that you'll never mistake the back scratcher for a b**b scratcher and offer it to me so I can use it. Grandma blurted out-

"Ah my breast is itchy! Don - go fetch my breast scratcher!"

Never mind. 

Author's Note

Feedback please.

Reviews

[Woody]

a very delightful read. very funny indeed. adorable characters.
I like your sense of humour.
thanks for sharing.

[Craig2591]

Oh, I enjoyed this! Laughed out loud in a couple of places. I like stories that are about mundane things and don't really go anywhere.

'B**b scratcher' - priceless!

[Persona]

Yes it was a challenge trying to incorporate the prompts I was assigned! Thank you Craig!

[Saichiro Wolftotem]

I agree with doodle. Definitely a wonderful character. Maybe call it..."A Word in Edgewise"? Anna's existance sounds quite uncomfortable. lol

[Persona]

Ah thank you for reading - and my reading the notes. I do need help with a title and I get it - she can't get a word in!

[Doodle29]

Haha! I really enjoyed the grandma's personality, it seems like an awesome person to have around when you're on a bad mood. Oh! And the Kristen Stewart thingg, that was pretty cool! It made me laugh. Anyway, really good story, do more! :)

[Persona]

Aw thank you, yes I hoped that would sum up her face in a simple way! I think I might add to the story - I think a lot more can happen. I think after my exams!