Exiled

A poem about being socially excluded but without being allowed to voice your side of the story

The moon was a fingernail in the sky

Clinging to the clouds, dangling way up high

Struggling for balance, her tipped tail let

others misguide her, force her to regret

'twas not her fault, lending itself assault

taking her victim for fun of the jolt

 

Storm attacks, summoning clouds to consume

Purely black, defenceless innocent doom

Half in darkness, digging into fresh wounds,

Ripping scraggly skin, vulnerable moon

All from a quick word, wished she never voiced

But no allowance to award her choice

 

Thinking in bed. Love and friendship, a game.

Reality and fantasy - the same?

Author's Note

I've decided to make it a sonnet, with two sestets where the mood alters slightly and a rhyming couplet at the end. I have also used iambic pentameter. Thoughts? ^^

Reviews

[SnuggleBunnyQueen]

I loved this poem! There is a lot that I found going on behind the scenes. I am a big fan of sonnets personally, but have never really thrived at writing them.

I loved the question you asked at the end because I think that everyone should really evaluate what the difference/similarities are.

Thank you for sharing this piece!

[Persona]

No thank you very much for reading it. I was learning about sonnets in class and decided to progress my learning by attempting one. Would you like me to help you write one?

[SnuggleBunnyQueen]

If you would like, feel free to send me a message. I am not good at finding rhymes without it feeling really forced.

[SADS]

I've always found this style incredibly difficult. But you pulled it off masterfully. I love when an author pushes out into the unknown with their writing. Experimenting is the only way to find your true niche. Well done my friend :-)

[Persona]

Thank you a lot SADS. Yeah, I was experimenting because I don't really like having to conform to a specific style, but now that I'm studying English as my major, I have little choice! I may edit it a little.

[SADS]

I was thinking about trying my hand at a screen play. I'll send you a read request when/if I finish it. I respect you as a writer so I love your feedback.

[Persona]

Oh it'd be nice to read something of a different genre. I definitely will. Thank you, the feeling is reciprocated

[Constance Payne]

Quick words, meant to invoke emotion from another often bring heartbreak to ourselves.
I like your question as it is one that I have ask within my life.
Thank You for sharing.

[Persona]

Oh you're welcome and I really appreciate your feedback Constance!

[EileenMarie]

Great poem........ I especially like how you ended it with the question you asked!

[Persona]

Thank you very much Eileen for reading it!

[Kyle Sky]

I love the idea and i love that you made it a sonnet. I am a fan of sonnets. Also I can sympathize with the whole idea of the poem.
One comment though, if I recall a sonnet should have ten syllables per line as iambic pentameter. Yours usually vary.But overall, it deserves a 100/100 and a spot on my library.

[Persona]

It does. I counted each line. I guess it depends on how you say it (like struggling). Thank you.

[Persona]

And now I've changed it again - so you can read it and see if you think's it's better as I have taken your words into account

[Kyle Sky]

It fits...
And it still remains a wonderful poem. good job.

[Krista Weiss]

Really great poem! Love it!

[Persona]

Thank you - I've just changed it so please read it again!

[WingsToFly]

beautiful poem, i liked it.

[Persona]

Thanks

[Dr. Wood ?]

well it is as good as any other 'moon' poems I have read anywhere..The magical moon will always drift upon the edges of fantasy and reality

[Persona]

Thank you. Do you know which moon poems you've seen before? I'd love to take a look at them.

[Hester Vane]

Good Job. The format and structure are great. I like how you leave the piece with a very complex question.

[Persona]

Thank you very much for the feedback Hester. If you ever find anything you dislike or want explaining, please let me know