Either lie, tie, or die

A Story by Skelterton

Why must I?

I don't know how to tie a tie. This is embarrassing, I'm 32 years old and have no idea how to tie a tie. I can't tell anyone about this, it would be too embarrassing, not a single soul. I have to go to my brother's wedding tomorrow at 6AM to get ready for everything there. Maybe I can use a clip on tie? maybe that could work... but people would notice it's a clip on tie and figure out I don't know how to wear a tie! I don't even have one, probably too late to buy one. It's 11:45PM right now, I wouldn't be able to go to the library and find a book on how to show me how to tie a tie. It's closed! maybe a tie shop? Maybe they have instructions on how to do it somewhere on a wall right? Is there even such a thing as a tie shop? I can't tell anyone to tie my tie, I have to do it myself... before tomorrow morning!

I can't go outside this late at night, it's dangerous. I don't want to be mugged, especially with all those crimes reported in the paper recently... I'll have to figure out how to tie a tie now.

I have never worn a tie in my life so why now? Oh that's right, my brother's wedding. If only I went to schools that required uniforms with ties back when I was younger. I have never attended a funeral, thank god, but I'm in trouble now because I never had to suit up, with a tie and all, ever.

So if I remember correctly, it looks a little like this? no that's not right. No. Wait. Maybe this could- no. This is a nightmare. I can't let people know how incompetent I am, especially on my brother's wedding. Oh what would people think of my brother if they found out how absolutely inept I am. "You're related to HIM?", It would ruin the whole wedding.

It's 5:55AM and I haven't figured out how to successfully tie a tie. Maybe I'll ask my brother to tie my tie and lie that I can't use my hands for some reason. That sounds like a good idea! I better get going.

...

He ended up in a car accident due to being sleep deprived. In his funeral he was dressed up in a suit, with a tie of course. When you won't lie because you can't tie a tie, you die.