Only A Child

This is a feeling I have running through me quite often...

You say you're sorry
That no one knew
That I hurt for so long
      But you don't even know the half of it
What is your definition of long?
       Weeks?
          Months?
Wrong.
    Try years
         Almost a decade
            Almost a God damn decade
I've been hurting
But don't say you're sorry
You didn't know
    You couldn't.
I didn't let anyone in
Didn't let anyone near
Because I didn't want you to know
       That I hurt...
But I'd never tell you that
       ...that I hurt for so long
It would
     Destroy you
You would think you've failed
But you don't know
Don't know the damages done
       The fights
          The doors slamming
             The late night yelling
I was a child
You don't talk to a child about
The problems adults have
      How we were [are] in debit
         How we couldn't [can't] afford food
            How they wanted [want] to take everything
You can't do that to a child
It's too much to handle at
Such a young age
      ...and I was so young when it started...
So why stop it now?
Why not just completely destroy me
Let me see my broken father
     Beaten down so far into the ground
           That he's lost all hope
She me my mother
      Who's unwavering faith
            Is all but gone
Tell me that my brother [and I]
       Aren't going to have a lot to eat
             Aren't going to have much to wear
Too late...
I've been
Buying my own clothes
Since I was fifteen years old
I've been buying almost
Fifty percent of my own food
So
You show me that
And look me in the eye
And tell me everything I never needed to know
About this family
Are you seeing what it does?
Are you seeing it tear me apart?
Are you seeing it destroy me?
I can't take it
The sadness in your eyes
The fear and dread in your heart
I can't take it
...so I'll just block it out
I won't talk to anyone
So that maybe
Maybe
I won't have to live with that
Knowing that we're barely getting by
That your parents constantly
"Loan" us money
That we'll pay them back later
We've almost lost everything
Over
   And over
I've told you I don't want to hear it
That I'm too susceptible to depression
That I could fall apart
At any given moment
And you still tell me...
    ...You still cry to me...
          ...Yell at me...
And you tell me you're
"Sorry I've hurt so long"
Well so am I
But I had to keep it from you
To protect you
The way you never protected me
From the
    Harsh
        Bitter
Reality that is life
I've been hurting longer
Than you'll ever know
So don't apologize
Just stop...
...But I know it won't stop....
...It never stops
It's always there
Eroding my sense of
    Stability
Eating away at all that I am
    ...All that I'll never be
         ...All you wanted me to by
                That I can't
So don't tell me you're sorry
That I hurt
Don't show me another
Damn tear
Because you don't know
How long I've been hurting
     No one knew
           No one will know
Except a select few who understand
A select few who won't judge
I've been hurting over half of my life
And someone who has known me well
For a few weeks
Know more than you'll ever
And it's not that I don't love you
Or that I don't want to confide in you
It's that I don't want to break
Your fragile heart
The way mine was broken
    Over
        And over
            And over
When I was just a child

Reviews

[Rachel DeHart]

Okay. So this is amazing. And by far I think one of your best poems, ever..
I love how honest you are here, and the raw feeling of all of the hurt just building up, and up and up, until is just spills over on to the paper.
I really can't pick a favorite part, because I feel I'd be ripping it out of context and it would lose half of its meaning..
Jon you really wrote something amazing here. :]
It makes me think of Saul Williams a little.

[Michelle Tarnowski]

Oh my, this is heartbreaking. It's like a circle without end. Everything a child experiences goes with him or her into adulthood and is too often passed on to the next generation. This is a powerful piece. Well done Jon.

[Str8jacket]

This seriously made me cry. Alot of your feelings-let's dace facts- almost the entire poem hit home with me. This reminds me of my relationship with my mom. It's a fantastic poem...the flow and everything is great.

[Hisou_Tenshi]

That's such a sorrowful poem.. I can't decide whether it's filled with anger at being unknown or a stronger desire to protect. That was the most emotion I've ever seen outpoured. I'm sorry, but thank you.