This one has a clear and true message... Well done for saying it! I do agree, though, that it would be more satisfying without the repetition The first I am is totally necessary, but if you maybe say something like:
I am the morning cigarette you crave
The music to your ecstasy pill
The cold can of beer waiting to go down your parched throat
The sleepless night you suffer from
The high of your weed
The smoke of your cigar
I am what’s keeping you alive
And I am the reason why you’re dying.
Then you eliminate much of the repetition. 'The' is still repeated, but not so much and it kind of ties together the negative behaviors. It is also a word that is easier to say out loud, 'The,' as opposed to "I am the.' It's mostly just simple subtraction, except for the 'And' in the final sentence you might add for emphasis. You should play with it and maybe find an even better way to say what you want, but the general idea is to get rid of the most repetitive words.
This one has a clear and true message... Well done for saying it! I do agree, though, that it would be more satisfying without the repetition The first I am is totally necessary, but if you maybe say something like:
I am the morning cigarette you crave
The music to your ecstasy pill
The cold can of beer waiting to go down your parched throat
The sleepless night you suffer from
The high of your weed
The smoke of your cigar
I am what’s keeping you alive
And I am the reason why you’re dying.
Then you eliminate much of the repetition. 'The' is still repeated, but not so much and it kind of ties together the negative behaviors. It is also a word that is easier to say out loud, 'The,' as opposed to "I am the.' It's mostly just simple subtraction, except for the 'And' in the final sentence you might add for emphasis. You should play with it and maybe find an even better way to say what you want, but the general idea is to get rid of the most repetitive words.
Clearly you and this person don't mesh very well if they are being caused so much pain. I liked this, though I do agree that it might sound a little better without as much repetition. Your choice though, just my opinion.