The reason

The reason

A Poem by Sjay

I am the morning cigarette you crave

I am the music to your ecstasy pill

I am a cold can of beer waiting to go down your parched throat

I am the sleepless night you suffer from

I am the high of your weed

I am the smoke of your cigar

I am what’s keeping you alive

I am the reason why you’re dying.

© 2014 Sjay


Author's Note

Sjay
This is just a random one

My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Featured Review

This one has a clear and true message... Well done for saying it! I do agree, though, that it would be more satisfying without the repetition The first I am is totally necessary, but if you maybe say something like:

I am the morning cigarette you crave
The music to your ecstasy pill
The cold can of beer waiting to go down your parched throat
The sleepless night you suffer from
The high of your weed
The smoke of your cigar
I am what’s keeping you alive
And I am the reason why you’re dying.

Then you eliminate much of the repetition. 'The' is still repeated, but not so much and it kind of ties together the negative behaviors. It is also a word that is easier to say out loud, 'The,' as opposed to "I am the.' It's mostly just simple subtraction, except for the 'And' in the final sentence you might add for emphasis. You should play with it and maybe find an even better way to say what you want, but the general idea is to get rid of the most repetitive words.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

This one sounds like one hell of a bad love. Almost like confession from it.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I really like this poem, and honestly don't mind the repetition! Good job :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

lol love it very cool :) an ya it is random but it was good :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


This one has a clear and true message... Well done for saying it! I do agree, though, that it would be more satisfying without the repetition The first I am is totally necessary, but if you maybe say something like:

I am the morning cigarette you crave
The music to your ecstasy pill
The cold can of beer waiting to go down your parched throat
The sleepless night you suffer from
The high of your weed
The smoke of your cigar
I am what’s keeping you alive
And I am the reason why you’re dying.

Then you eliminate much of the repetition. 'The' is still repeated, but not so much and it kind of ties together the negative behaviors. It is also a word that is easier to say out loud, 'The,' as opposed to "I am the.' It's mostly just simple subtraction, except for the 'And' in the final sentence you might add for emphasis. You should play with it and maybe find an even better way to say what you want, but the general idea is to get rid of the most repetitive words.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clearly you and this person don't mesh very well if they are being caused so much pain. I liked this, though I do agree that it might sound a little better without as much repetition. Your choice though, just my opinion.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

181 Views
6 Reviews
Rating
Added on July 25, 2014
Last Updated on July 25, 2014

Author

Sjay
Sjay

Writing
Not your son Not your son

A Poem by Sjay


Grace Grace

A Poem by Sjay



Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..


If Only If Only

A Poem by Sjay


Let me Let me

A Poem by Sjay


Confessions Confessions

A Poem by Sjay