Me and Other

A Story by S June

A story of a person, their Other, and Him

Do you know what it’s like to be nothing? To feel nothing? You all feel the warmth and brightness of the sun, the wonderful feeling of its heat in the winter and the powerful blaze bearing down on your back in the summer. I feel nothing, there is no warmth, and no cold. I am nothing. I feel nothing. There is no colour in this world, but grey. I am told dogs are the same, no true colours, just a gray scale image of the world that moves and reacts to what others do.

Tell me, do you have friends? Lovers? Someone who you can relate to and rely on? What is that like? I imagine sometimes that I have a friend. I named it Other, that’s all there is, myself, Other and Him. He keeps me here, in this place. He tells me who I am, and I am nothing, I feel nothing. This is how I stay alive in here, if I am nothing, if I do not exist, I cannot cause problems, and I cannot make Him angry.

He tells me it’s accepted for owners to discipline dogs sometimes, and I think he likes when I think of him as my owner. I only asked once, the answer was a smile and the sun shone for a few seconds, I could see bright bursts of crimson on my skin and the floor was dark brown. I didn't understand then, but Other told me, Other knows everything. I know nothing, I am nothing, I feel nothing. Other said that the dark brown was dried blood, and the crimson on my skin was fresh blood. I asked them where it came from and they pointed to holes in my skin, small lines across my arms and legs and stomach.

It was only me and Other in there, only Other could have done this. They says it was Him, Him who made the sun shine and made the colours come back. I asked Him this too, and He told me it was Him, told me he tried to make me feel something. I don’t remember that though, I still don’t. He doesn't like it when I talk about Other, when I tell him Other talks to me, He tells me Other is poisonous, and that they are trying to trick me. I once felt something, when Other tried to touch me, it didn't last long, but it felt different. When He made colours, they were too bright, too saturated. When Other made colours, they were sad, sad and dark and horrible. Oh those colours made me cry, the colours made me feel things and I didn't want that, I was nothing, I felt nothing.

The feelings made me cry, made me wish that I didn't have to feel. Why do you want feelings if they make you so empty when they go away? Why would you want light if it feels better to stay in the dark? I don’t want those feelings. They can leave. I decided since Other was the only reason I felt things, Other had to leave. I asked them to go, to allow me peace without the knowledge of what I was missing. Other said I had to leave for them to leave. They showed me how, showed me that if I dug my fingers into a certain place, the blood would flow, blood which slowly turned from grey into crimson red. A river of red, about to deliver me into a black void of nothingness.

He is here, He will be with me when I go, I am… Glad He will be here to witness the end. Other smiled at me, told me to be calm, that it was over now. I didn't understand, but Other always understands. Other knows everything, feels everything, and is everything. I am nothing, I feel nothing, but with Other, I can understand. Other was life, and He was death. I am nothing, I feel nothing.