The Fear of Rejection (5)

The sting of betrayal rarely subsides. The time works like anesthesia and we gradually grow numb to the pain which is forever present to torment our wandering thoughts. Maybe that is the precise reason why an idle mind is called the devil’s abode. All the dark and depressing emotions crop up like undead zombies and crowd around all the windows so that you can no longer perceive the reason, the logic, the truth and the reality. You’re imprisoned in your own mind and your black thoughts keep you captive until you finally let them in and overwhelm you. You struggle, initially, but they make you realize that the only thing that you are left with in the whole wide world is them, those slime covered stinking thoughts of revenge, of endless pain, of everything that you don’t want to be anywhere near you. You know it’s the end and there’s no way any ray of light can creep to brighten up your heaviness.

I stared at the window and wondered, for the umpteenth time, where exactly I had gone wrong. People have this undying habit of burdening themselves with unnecessary guilt for things they are not in control of. In a relationship, for instance, all you can do is trust the other person, love them for what they are not what they have and be equally faithful. Everyone knows the basics. But differs in the implementation and maybe that’s the source of all the headache.

“Oh c’mon. It was just a random picture. I am not cheating on you for God’s sake”. “It was just a friendly bear hug. Why are you so insecure?”. “He’s just a friend. Get over it”. “She’s just a class mate, chill”. �" did these sound familiar? Yes they did. They kept reverberating in my mind every minute of the day as I tried in vain to comprehend the tactics, the reasons, the logic of all that had been happening. There was a severe information and emotion overload to deal with, as a result. But I knew my mind would not rest until I had analyzed every minute atomic aspect of every moment I had shared with him to pinpoint and exclaim that THIS is where I or HE went berserk and ruined everything. What were I or HE thinking? Blah Blah. The usual cycle of deep aimless thinking.

I pulled the blanket around myself and adjusted to relieve my cramped backbone. The night life had started to die and an eerie silence was taking its usual place in the every nook and corner of the world around me. I did not cry but I guess I wanted to and I knew well how pathetic I would feel anyway. So I dropped the idea and even though it was close to midnight, I decided to irk one of my close friends and just spill out the guts that I have been pushing around in the confines of my mind. In the wee hours of the night, Aps was rarely available for a conversation, let alone a long and unending one about the woes of  a cheating boyfriend. Stop accusing him, damn it! ” Oh yes, he had not exactly ‘cheated’ on me in a strict sense but well, he might possibly have so maybe he deserves it. “  I said it out aloud to no one in particular and felt like I might need to go see a mental health specialist after all.

“Hey. What’s up?” chirped a tom boy in an unmistaken girly voice and I couldn’t help smiling.

“Hey Aps. It’s Pri” I said in an uneven tone. Suddenly my mouth turned dry and I wondered if I would be able to begin, at all and if it was the right thing to do.

“Oh yeah. Called ID. “, she laughed. Maybe she hadn’t traced the feigned happiness in my voice till now. Maybe I’m too good an actor. Maybe it’s a talent to cover up all my emotions and if there’s a market for it out there I might have some good opportunities for my useless self.

“Hey. What happened? You sound strange. And sad.” Well, maybe i’m not that good at it.

“I…I wanted to talk to you. I’ve been really bugged lately and nothing seems to make sense. Its like I’ve been living in a blind fairy-and till now and suddenly the reality has…err, has come gushing forth like a goddamn flood and I can’t take it!” I realized that I had started screaming by the time I finished my introductory speech and apologized, waiting anxiously for a reply.

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Lady with the metaphors. Something seems to be terribly wrong back there.” She did sound concerned and well, that voice undid all the barriers I had drawn against the intense burning of my heart.

“G cheated on me” Plain and blunt, so as to cause the maximum damage.

“Oh my gosh, he what?” it was her turn to scream now. I realized my wrong choice of words and tried to correct myself.

“Wait. I’ll send you the so called proof” and I put her on hold to send the cursed picture which I had for, some demented  reason, saved on my mobile phone.

“Oh no. Who is she?” she enquired in a half dazed voice.

I told her everything I knew about the girl in picture and everything else that I had come up with and everything that remained so that I needed a good long drink of water to soothe my aching throat by the time I finished.

“Apart from the picture frame they share in a bit over-the-top friendly manner, what else have you got” her tone suddenly changed to sound a little less biased and in my favour. I reluctantly added the events of the last few days so as to put up a complete picture and somehow prove myself to be a victim here. I did not want to earn her sympathy but I did want her validation and approval of sorts.

“You mean that’s it? Over a stupid picture, you two BROKE UP?!” her cold, high pitched voice rung the rusted bells in my ears and suddenly, I felt myself at a loss of answers to give and justify myself.

“I err…” I did not have the strength to finish.

“Pri. The guy actually apologized for something he did unintentionally and as far as you have told me, he is as miserable as you or even more. He is an emotional guy. And you are badly over-reacting. Don’t you think?” She gave a dramatic pause.

“Help me out, Aps” I said or rather pleaded to her to share some wisdom, some long forgotten insight that I no longer possessed.

And she did not fail me. With her burning words, she took me by the collar and pushed me through the blackness of my mind to finally see and not invent things as I had been doing till now. I was reminded by her, along with the accusations of being immature and naïve, how badly I had been in the grip of my imagined fears which affected not only me but him as well. I felt closer to sanity as she continued with her rant and felt thankful for her, for him and for everything. Her repeated insistence to make peace helped rekindle some hope in me and though the flame flickered, it did dispel some of those black thoughts. Maybe all had not been lost.  

I guess I really did need a second opinion because her words came like knighted warriors to do away with all the darkness, infecting my mind and now that I could see the whole situation from an outsider’s point of view, I somehow analyzed it better. But it’s never easy to admit your own fault and by the end of the conversation I realized how the situation had completely gone out of hands…because of me and my inability to look past my personal fears and delusions. I was responsible and suddenly, I felt the impact of the pain I had caused him. As I frantically dialed his number, I wished it wasn’t too late to mend ties.

[To be continued…]

Author's Note

Personally, it feels incomplete. And I need some sound advice regarding the dialogues. Thank you for reading. :)

Reviews

[LR]

I loved the first two paragraphs! It is very relatable

[∂αʌ<..]

yikes..yikes..yikes! what are you going to do?? :| personnally...i hope this dont end badly...nor do i want a cuddly-cuddly patch-up a la bollywood 'ishtyle'!

aww...what IS going to happen?? i wanna know!