The decisions are always easier to make but difficult to express. But once you are through the exhausting ordeal of deciding, you let everything fall into place and retract to the back of your mind.
That was exactly what I did and that was exactly what I should not have done.
He had done his part of apologizing and explaining and to an extent, I believed him. But it was difficult to control the rage that had built up inside me and I feared that as soon as I opened my mouth, the words that would come out might not sound like the way I intended them. I sat there, frozen, with clenched fists, staring point blank on the floor. I don’t remember how long we sat there without moving or saying anything. All I remember is the commotion in my mind which refused to die down as I battled with the alternatives to the situation. I wanted to scream and haul him up by his collar demanding when he would grow out of his naïve personality. I wanted to punch the wall and groan till the frustration bubbling inside me died. I wanted to threaten him for the consequences and march off without another word. And I wanted to end the guilt which kept surfacing for thinking along such lines for the one I claimed to love the most in the world. I couldn’t decide what to do.
“Please say something” he muttered. My head snapped up to find him still looking at me hoping for answer. What could I give him out of my inability to decide my very next move? What could I do to make him feel the guilt and yet, not tear him apart? What could I do?
I sighed and looked up at the ceiling for some sort of encouragement to say something, enough to break the icy silence. It was difficult to spit the words in the most blunt and uncaring manner and hide the feelings without a trace, feigning strength I never did possess in the first place.
“Its ok, G. I understand. But I really have nothing to say” I said, looking straight into his eyes. The eye contact made it worse because he seemed to be looking through me and contemplating what I was thinking. His glare was accusing and reflected deep hurt at the same time. I blinked away and got up saying “I think I should leave” and headed for the door. Did I expect him to follow? Or maybe just sit back looking at me wondering if he would ever see me again the way he used to? I desperately wanted to crawl into the depths of his mind and dig up these feelings so that I could silence my doubts about his fidelity once and for all. I had had enough of unending debates with these questions and there was nothing left to support the fact that he did care for me except the bond of blind trust and the same was still recovering from the shock of yesterday. There was nothing holding me back and I felt myself drifting away into the dark abyss of uncertainty as I made my way to the door. I could feel his muffled footsteps behind me but he did not initiate any conversation. I remembered how he used to gently place his hand on my waist while talking to me as he guided me to the door. We never made it to the door without pulling ourselves off the other and it was always the sheer reluctance that accompanied us both as we gave up to the law of time that another good day had passed us by. But today, everything lacked that familiar warmth. There was no exchange of words or any gentle touch. It was just me and him and a deafening silence that bubbled in the depths of the crack that had formed and we stood facing away from each other standing at its extreme ends. I knew I wouldn’t give myself up into blind forgiveness and I knew equally well, the toll this apprehension will take on me. But the silence was too thick to break.
I left the hope of getting a last glimpse of his face hanging in the air as I mounted my scooter. My eyes were misty and I felt myself dangerously close to convulsing with the unbearable pain. I sped away swiftly and vowed never to come back. Somehow, it felt that the clouds of loneliness were better than the spring of love which invariably brought with itself the thunderbolts of deception and doubts.
I knew I was taking the wrong step. But why did I not stop? Why did I not rush back and threw myself in his arms begging him to never make me feel cheated again? Why did I not spill out my flooding heart for him to see and know the hardship I was facing? Why could I not simply forgive him and save us both the undue share of pain which had come to our doorstep, ready to spend the night with us; Why?
Maybe I was too scared to admit how weak I was in front of him. He had the power to create palaces out of crumbles and to reduce the same to ashes at his whim. Why does love brings with itself the utter helplessness to shield oneself from heart-ache? Why is it that in loving someone, we give away the strength to make or break us, to an outsider? No, he was not an outsider. He was as much a part of my world as my own self and I had stopped thinking of myself in absolute and individual terms. He was always there in the picture, laughing at my funny errors, consoling me through my slightest grief, sharing the philosophies of life under the star-studded sky during the midnight hours. He was everywhere. Where was I? I had given up the responsibility of my life to him, completely. And never before did I regret my decision because he never gave me a chance. Now I felt that one chink in this fantastic world had produced enormous cracks and the pillars of trust which supported us…me, stood there quivering like dead leaves in the wind. I had never felt so prone to destruction ever before and still, the problem appeared bloated due to my enlarged sense of self but I did not pause to reflect over it. All I saw was an absence and I had no clue how to deal with it. I had lost my best friend and my lover in one swift moment and there I was, as miserable as I could be, wondering when I would start to heal
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