Sometimes I wish to be selectively comatose. Let all those specific parts of my brain which indulge in useless conversations with me about everything trivial, which provide all the necessary fuel to my growing anxieties and paranoia when I’m about to step in a dark room or accidently stumble upon a picture of my significant other with an unidentified female whose expressions say it all that her main motive to be there with him is to steal him and keep him for herself... Where did the ethics go? What about moral values? … and endless such fears that refuse to free my mind. Let me walk and talk and act like any normal person but for once, just once, let me be free of all these worries.
I kept creating and repeating such lines like a chant to some pagan goddess of relief to come and breathe a soothing forgetfulness on me. The warm blanket sucked me further inside the bed and the temptation to let go of the scary encounter planned for the day grew stronger. Suddenly, I did not want to meet my boyfriend after spending a dreadfully embarrassing year living off his e-mails and silent video conferences, when words deserted us, making myself appear desperate in an embossed way just to make him know how the feeling of emptiness has glued itself to me. But now that he had crossed the lengths of continents and was in the same time-zone and city as me, I shrank back in horror of meeting him. The nightmares of the endless tragic possibilities that could unfold themselves in my face as soon as we met pulled me farther back into the corners of my mind, a place ruled by dilemma and indecisiveness.
I ignored my ringing phone and cursed myself for using a recording of his voice as my ringtone. I don’t understand what takes over me as I black out into this fairy-tale romance which is not all that happy as the story-books portray. We never get a glimpse of what goes on after marriage. There’s always a love-stricken Prince Charming and an ethereal beauty, Cinderella. In the real world, I have my boyfriend who leaves me gasping with his songs, pushes himself to the limit and probably even ignores the rationality that kicks its way into his mind sometimes and carries on the illogical banter of ridiculous things with me. There’s so much to add and every little detail is significant. In complete contrast to that, is me. I won’t bother into going down that road of hurtful self-contemplation because I know, I might not get out with my senses intact. But to summarize, I always felt falling short of his ideal state and success of blending the roles of a best friend and a lover into one tiny frame. I am still searching for a medicine that might cure the awkward attitude and semi-paralysis of my body in his presence. I rely on the words of others that there’s always room for improvement and things like these wear off with time as you gradually get used to all the attention that you get from your partner.
Staring at the ceiling, thoughts muddled and daydreams crumbled together. I reflected on the possible outcomes that might occur. We might meet and throw ourselves into each other’s arms trying to compensate all the time we spent away from each other. Or maybe I would have been over-taken by some random girl who is prettier, more efficient, more liberal in her words and actions, than myself and I would be slammed with the searing pain of rejection and what we all call “dumping”. After spending almost two years with numerous assurances of never leaving the other person’s side, it hurts to know that an Italian accent and a pasta recipe can compensate all the love and care you harbored for a person. The history you created " all the late night conversations, the clumsy and wet first kiss, the texts that proclaimed love in every way possible, poking fun and consoling each other through tough times " where did it all go? You inevitably question your worth as a person and wonder if you deserve him in the first place. No one likes to “settle” in love. Its something you seek and fight for. I wish I knew karate so I could smash that girl’s face on the very floor she would be standing, throwing herself all over him, batting her eye-lashes…
I slapped myself, hard. Before the sting of the assault faded away, the tears ran down and I rushed to the bathroom. Within fifteen minutes I was dressed and ready to go, determined to take on anything in the world, even rejection, in the same diplomatic manner that had somehow, grew up on me, in the form of politeness. How strong this façade was, I wasn’t sure. ‘But enough to leave a lasting impression and a terrible burning guilt’, added my evil twin who had just risen from sleep and walked out the backdoors of my mind.
I decided against an extra effort to look beautiful or even fit the description of ‘sexy’ because if he wants me, he better have me just the way I am, with the bags under my eyes, complete absence of make-up and all. The evil twin prompted me to make extra effort to look ugly so as to make this test of his affection all the more difficult. I ended up in a saggy grey tee and a pair of jeans. I left my hair loose, just to feel a little more confident and put on my sport shoes. One look at the mirror, and I was all set to hit the road. I saw myself in a usual avatar " frustration, with a suppressed murderous look and an anxiety. But maybe, no one but me could notice it on my face.
“A hundred missed calls!” I gasped as I checked my phone. I did not even dare to open the messages and read them. Walking to the car, I called him, mad with fear, which, as usual, I tried my best to hide. I have always struggled against unheeded expression of emotions. I wondered if this would be one of the reasons for the ultimate rejection, a probable outcome of the day. I sighed and pushed these depressing thoughts back and spasmed as he picked up the phone. ‘Where the hell are you?” he screamed, in a breathless and angry voice. “I’m almost there. 5 minutes more. Ok? Bye.” And I hung up. So much for being polite. I should’ve been ashamed but I couldn’t stop to care.
The fears fed on all my past insecurities and it was difficult to concentrate on the road. I vigorously fought all the demons of dilemma and insecurity. I feared what was to come and it clashed with my granite firmness to face anything at all in the world.
I reached his place at the usual time. He stood at the gate, frowning. But as soon as he saw me approach, a wide grin spread across his face. The evil twin interrupted my moment of being lost and added some symbolic meaning to that simple smile. “Itsss a disssgiusseee..” it hissed. I made a pair of hands magically appear behind it and shut its mouth as I got myself out of the car, smiling like a hopeless dork. The cheek ached, and I couldn’t move a muscle on my own. My legs, my arms, my face all worked involuntarily. I grabbed the control midway and slowed my racing heart and the gigantic rosy expectations that had just sprung up. As I inched closer to him, different sections of my mind started shouting different orders in a completely random manner. ‘Watch your step.’ ‘Look him in the eye and dazzle him with your confidence.’ ‘Bat your eye lashes and make his mouth water.’ Excuse me, WHAT?! ‘I meant, blink because you haven’t till now.’ ‘Walk casually. Don’t be so stiff.’ ‘Smile and pretend that nothing is wrong.’ But what IS wrong? ‘Oh you’ll know.’
[ To be continued…]
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