Growing up

Stray thoughts on childhood and well, the present-hood.

Look at me. You would see a girl, for she is still clothed in her child-like fantasies and naïve reasoning. Not yet a woman because that would involve a leap into the future version of her self who is more mature and logical than she can ever be at present. The problem is that she doesn’t want to let go of what little remains of her childhood. She is afraid because the little time that she has spent in this confusing world of adults has deeply scarred her innocent heart and clouded her once crystal clear mind. Earlier, she would aggressively assert her dreams of what she wants to become when she grows up, she had a pure, detailed picture in her mind. And now, she can’t even decide which flavor of ice-cream she wants to have. What about the big, important, life-changing decisions, dear?

 

In the last one year I have peeled so many intricate layers off my personality that now I am know a few things about me that set me apart. For one, I make unintelligible noises as a form of exclamation, like a dumb animal. A very cute, cuddly animal. I blink like the cartoons they show on tv and I clap my hands and jump and giggle like a little girl when I’m extremely happy. That’s me. So much for turning nineteen and realizing that, mentally, my age is still depicted by single digit number(s). What a shame.

 

But then, I won’t say that coming this far in my life, which honestly, isn’t too far, I have noticed changes in me that are shocking and irreversible. So many constraints have been imposed on me. So many boundaries are created. People are now strictly judged at their first sighting and more than often, denied an entry into my world. Only a few enter and the rest, kick me out of theirs. Being my own self has got me mocked and labeled fiercely and over time, I have learned to be as fierce and mean towards others. The question that used to strike my heart before that raised concern about the heartlessness of people who cause so much pain to others has ceased to exist because I have become one of them. I never I never hated my mother so vehemently and without any reason, I never cursed, I never talked and laughed at extreme vulgarity, and I never kissed a guy. So many things accompany the growth of a person. So many wanted and unwanted parts of this process pound their way into your life with no blockade whatever.

 

Surprisingly, amongst all this pain and anguish and a bit of apathy, I have never felt wiser. My mind has opened up to the world and all it has to offer, the good and the bad, and I have developed a complicated philosophy for myself which is too complicated to put into words.

 

Is this how everybody grows up? Are all these things common to my fellow persons going through more or less the same phase with same conflicting thoughts?

 

The future has much to offer, no doubt, but the precious gems of childhood, though few, are held very dear to my lonely heart who yearns constantly for some love and help and appreciation from the people around me. But maybe, they are caught up in their own shells of life, just like me. Maybe, we are all living a very lonely and abandoned life on this over-crowded planet. The irony of life.

Author's Note

More stray thoughts. I have developed a liking to this sort of writing about random subjects, not necessarily connected to my life. Just want to know if this was good enough. :)

Reviews

[Liza]

as we learn to recognize and think for ourselves through every age; we tend to reflect through our present state backwards; it is a healthy exercise to practice the distinguishment of our blissful ignorance and potential pain that may have gone unnoticed - but hopefully we can hold on to these precious experiences and console our inner child as we mold ourselves into maturity peacefully.

[Blue Moon Ice Cream]

I can relate to a lot of this. I've always wondered if everyone asks themselves these questions, because it seems like most others are content just going through life as it is, or maybe they're just better about staying happy and living in the moment...or who really knows. For being stray thoughts, you organized them well, and it felt like a logical train of thought.

[Silent Lover]

This writing speaks to honesty and courage as the hawk sings to the desert sky. It is a still and quiet love of dignity that speaks back to your soul.

[Coyote Poetry]

You a re a wise young woman. I believe life is hard work and common sense. Better to walk slow and easy to know the road is safe. Many opportunities for the wrong things. Always think first then if you feel safe. Test the water of life. I like this story. We all must find our place in this world. Thank you for a excellent story.
Coyote

[November Gold]

I think it is well done, and it expresses a multitude of emotions and thoughts that many of us experience and feel. :)

[∂αʌ<..]

a wonderfully written stray-thoughts story to which i can easily relate...
but i dont think they are just stray thoughts..i would say they are lingering thoughts which often makes us ponder on what we have been doing or living all these years...
im 19 and can fit myself easily in your situation even if for each and everyone of us..its different!
just keep those stray thoughts and write them down!

[emmajoy]

This writing is certainly good enough, it's a stimulating and inspiring piece which makes the reader think and feel .. what more could you ask of your own creativity! As to the topic: growing up continues all through life, surely we never quite reach what we feel is grown up - if it were to happen, arrogance would be top of the list of flaws! We all muddle through the ever-maturing changes in our minds, bodies, spiritis = all that makes for human growth. True, restrictions and expectations don't help so .. maybe the best thing to do is just let it happen, live each day discovering the wonder that's self .. remembering each and every one of us is unique. How special is that ..

Keep thinkg your stray thoughts!