I dream

A lovely, and sleepy song...lolz

And it all began

When I realized

How empty my whole life had become

It started to dawn

While I supressed a yawn

I need to get hold of that special someone

 

Oh! But it's hard to face the truth

Oh! I don't what I should do...

 

But still I dream into the sleepy nights

Wishing you were close so that I'd hold you tight

You'd shuffle my hair

While, at you, I stared

Oh! won't that be amazingly sweet

If only you'd be there with me....

 

Not to mention how

I've lost my mind

Over things so unnecessarily

Take hold of me

It's getting hard to see

The vast ocean of stunning reality

 

Oh! It's upto us now to make it come true

Oh! I'm too shy and sleepy to tell you the truth

 

And I still dream into those sleepy nights

Wishing you were here so that I'd hold you tight

Now, I comb my hair

At the stars, I stare

Suddenly my phone starts ringing

And I hear you saying you wanna be with me...

 

 

<For all the sleepy lovers, from a very sleepy poet....*yawn* >

Author's Note

*yawn*
So, did you like it?

Reviews

[Preeti]

It starts out very nicely, but then there are times when I feel like the rhyming has been forced. Like in this line:
While, at you, I stared
Your syntax throughout the poem remains simple, contemporary and true but I feel like this line throws it off because it has more of a antiquated connotation. So it seems like you just needed something to rhyme with "hair"...
Another problem I had was with the last stanza. The poem thus far exudes a dreamy, sleepy feeling, the sense that you're [as in the reader] is somewhere else, almost a mystical dreamscape. But then the line:
"Suddenly my phone starts ringing"
again, throws this off because this brings us sharply back to the present, in its impersonal, dilute and technical form. But maybe this was what you intended? lol.
Also in the last line: this may be a pet peeve of mine but I think it's better to get rid of words like "wanna" and replace them with "want to", because you've been consistent about your diction throughout the poem so there's no reason to throw that away in the very last line.

Other than those three things, I found the poem easy to read and cute. I especially loved this line:
"The vast ocean of stunning reality"

Good luck with your future writing. :)
Cheers!

[-Aurelia Mirella]

Very cute!

It's so true for some of us! I know I've had nights like that myself. :] haha

It's a wonderfully cute little poem. It flowed very nicely. :]

Amazing job.

Always,
-Aurelia Mirella