I wish (revisited)

I'm wishing...

I wish upon the stars

That glow in the night

I wish upon my dreams

As I hold my pillow tight

 

Green and lively as they are

I wish upon the trees

Which tell me to give; not take

Swaying gently in the breeze

 

I wish upon the birds

And animals I come across

I wish upon that dead seed

Sleeping under the frost

 

I wish upon my family

I wish upon my friends

I wish upon my own self

'Cause that's where eveything began

 

I wish upon God Himself

I wish upon His word

I wish upon His promises

I believe my voice is heard

 

I wish upon my thoughts

Feelings... I no more hide

I wish upon all the fun

And the rules by which I abide

 

I wish upon this life

Enchanting me now and then

I wish upon my every wish

That's where it all began...

Author's Note

Not being proud ar anything, I just like this piece very much...lolz

Reviews

[Emily Elizabeth]

Its definitely my favorite piece! This is so sweet, Siya! What an adorable and gorgeous, heart-felt poem you've created. However, there are some things that need tightening up. For instance, I think that the third stanza sticks out a bit too much. It doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. Also I think you should perhaps consider changing 'And the rules by which I should abide' to 'And the rules that I abide' because it makes the flow alot more smooth. On the whole, however, this is a lovely piece! Thanks for sharing!

[closed]

This was amazingly beautiful! I loved it Siya one of my favorites! This is soo good!

[K. Aurora]

This was marvelous! Take pride in this one. There is nothing wrong with that when it's a job well done!
You speak of so much of the good that we touch on a daily basis. It's so nice to see it being writen about.

I loved these two stanza's I often feel the same.
"I wish upon my family

I wish upon my friends

I wish upon my own self

Coz' that's where eveything began



I wish upon God Himself

I wish upon His word

I wish upon His promises

I believe my voice is being heard

A beautiful poem! Thanks so much for sharing it!

Kansas

[Emily Rose]

I agree with Emily Elizabeth - it's really sweet and it's definitely my favorite piece of yours. The ending is really nice too - it brings the piece together in a special way. I agree, however, that it does need a little work and "tightening up."

The rhythm that you set in the beginning is really nice, but you need to stick with it. The second stanza is the first time you really deviate from it your set pattern of rhythm: "Which tell me to give and not to take" is the first line that redistributes the stresses on the words and throws off the rhythm. You need something a little shorter that puts the stresses back where you need them, something like: "which tell me 'give, but don't take'/as they sway..." The little words "to" just throw off the pattern that you set before, so getting rid of those words fixes it.

The third stanza is also a little clunky rhythm-wise. Not only do the beats not sound right, you tack on extra syllables to certain lines, which throws off the pattern. This is most noticable in the lines "and all the animals I come across" and "ready to germinate from under the frost." Once again, you just need to eliminate some of the smaller, less important words to steer this back on track: "and animals I come across" and "sleeping beneath the frost" ("germinate" messes up the stresses in the line, so I replaced it with "sleeping" which fits better) sounds better. You can experiment with this, of course, but generally all it takes is the creative re-wording of certain lines to make the rhythm work, and usually you don't need to get rid of more than just the little words you use.

Oh, the apostrophe in "coz" goes at the beginning of the word, not at the end. It's an easy mistake to make, but the apostorphe is filling in for the missing letters "be" before 'cause (usually it's spelled "'cause" but I understand the whole poetic license thing ^_^). "I believe my voice is being heard" also throws off the rhythm a little, but this is a very quick fix: "I believe my voice is heard" fixes it right up. "My feelings I no more hide" sounds a little strange because of the wording; I would suggest "My feelings no more I hide" since that gets the verb and subject closer together. Also, I'm having a little understanding what you mean by "I wish on all the fun." All the fun of what? Of hanging out with your family/friends? All the fun you have writing? All the fun you're going to have in your life? You might want to change that line, or at least make it a little more specific :-)

So that's the end of my nit-picking. Of course, you don't have to change everything, but I agree with EE - the third stanza is where most of the problems are, so that's where your focus should be. Good job, Siya!

[AmeliaRose]

i like this piece a lot too! it sounds beatiful! i love the flow, the rhymes and even the concept! i didn't have a problem at all with it. Great Job!

[Mysty Rayn]

You should be proud of these piece. The flow was a little hard to follow cause some of the verses wre a bit too long, but I do the same thing. I believe at some point in life we all lay in bed "wishing".