Never...

One of my darkest creations...

I'm screaming to be free

But can they hear my cries?

My so-called loved ones

The world sees me surrounded with people

But they can never guess

How lonely I feel in this crowd

A crowd that stomps over my identity

And crushes my soul

And keeps on doing it

Till I'm completely broken down

I turn to those whom I trust

Hoping to get to hear a soft word or two

But all such souls are lost somewhere

Will I ever find them?

This blackness thickens every second

And it gets hard for me to see clearly

I bump into strangers

I stalk unknown people

And end up at a place

With a dead end

'No Way Out' is written on the walls

And they keep on closing in on me

With no place to go

I make no movement

And allow the walls to swallow me up

To crush what's already crushed

Will all this pain ever end?

Tears stream down my eyes

As I pity myself

I think what filthy a creature I am

I doubt if I even deserve to live

So many questions I put up to myself

Coz' I don't have strength to talk to you

Or anyone else for that matter

So I question myself

and Damn! I never get a single reply

Again I see unfamiliar faces

Roaming around me

Creeping me out

The darkness is still intact

Thickening ever so slowly

I try my best to ignore it all

And think why this life of mine

Has become so complicated

Why putting an end to all this is so difficult?

So near impossible?

Why can't I tell you all that I need help?

Crap! Now I'm crying again

I start panting

Taking slow shallow breaths

It takes a lot of energy for me

To stop myself from breaking down

To take back the 'momentary' control of my life

No matter how weak I am on the inside

I'll never show it to you

You'll never be able to guess

What's happening to me

Never...

Author's Note

These are again my random thoughts.I'm not feeling good, as usual and there you go.Another depressing poem from me.It's fully autobiographical this time...lol
P.S. - I don't have any eating disorder, if any such thought is coming up in your mind...lol

Reviews

[Dani California]

This is fantastic Siya!!!! My favorite style .... free flow of emotion. You've done quite well with it!
I have these emotional ups and downs too, you are not alone. I think they are what make us
writers, truthfully. .... and sadly. lol

You have the gift of penn my dear friend! I really enjoyed this poem... not your suffering of course! But the talent it evoked is displayed quite well..

:)

[tarasov]

i love the ending "you'll never be able to guess whats happening to me never..." it was perfect the feeling of hiding the pain form other people. this is an awosme poem thanks so much for sharing it with me.

[Reborn A Phoenix]

wow i love this pome

[Dawn]

Wow...I'm really impressed!! I'm amazed by the way you let out your feelings like that and pen it down in such beautiful words!! I could never do that...I'm usually the one who keeps things bottled up inside me unless one of my close friends or mother comes to me...I can always relate to them and share my feelings freely!!
This is a beautiful expression of a feeling of being trapped and imprisoned by your own mind....
"A crowd that stomps over my identity
And crushes my soul"
I love this pair...
As angel bird said, if you don't feel comfortable talking about your problems to your family, you should think about consulting a close friend or a doctor..they are bound to help you!
And again...Marvelous poem!!

[Mysteral - Night Prowle..]

So sad that an artist must suffer to create such wonderful art as portrayed in this poem. Excellent piece of writing.

[Pj]

absolutely amazing! writing like this at such a tender age! I love your bluntness :D

[Pinky]

Its a heart felt poem good job!

[Angel Bird]

If this is really happening to you - then you're doing exactly the right thing. It is crucial to get it out of your system, and for that matter writing your feelings and thoughts down on a piece of paper or on your computer is very good. It is much easier to write what's going on within us, sheets of paper and computer screens have no eyes and no faces so they will not show any reaction to what ever we tell them, than to speak directly to people especially those close to us.

I can easily relate to all this, I could have written these things myself too for I've had a bad eating disorder, and I think I felt at least most of what you describe here myself.

--- Why can't I tell you all that I need help? ---

That is a very important phrase if not the most important one.
If you really can't talk to your loved ones about your problems, then just go to your family doctor (they are bound to a professional secret) or any other medical practitioner and tell him/her about your problem. It will be the first step and he/she will advise you what to do next. Please think about it ...!

* * *

Your writing is wonderfully done. It grabs the readers attention til the end and creeps nicely under one's skin. Great job!