"The Memories & Now"

This was written during my father's time in hospice, the beginning of it to be exact. I held a dream of this situation and so immediately after I woke up in tears I grabbed the pen and paper..

Waking up from next to no sleep, I keep weeping as I close my eye's. I see the good days, the best of my life. I see my father walking, dare I say even running! He chases the old dog as I and my mother follow after with my younger sibling of a sister lagging behind.

We catch the mischievous mutt and leash him down to be tied to us and bound as we continue on with our walk through the playgrounds, into the wilderness left to right and all around.

The dog pants and whines all as I look into my father's eyes.. he smiles and hugs me tight. My mother and sister join in on the feel good group hugging while the little mutt insists on bugging and budging in as he makes the grand escape and so thus we all turn to give chase.

The eyes open with fresh tears drooping down along with the faint taste of salt in the sweltering breeze, dropping the head as I cling onto fear and see a "new" memory.

I see the day my mother married him, she always loved October and so too she chose it as the dated anniversary, the image of stillness dips as the scenery changes..

He was suited as an man with devil horns, my mother a witch queen fated to be bride to the groom of an demon king, my sister a precious princess and I, an reaper with the fake plastic scythe crowned as prince charming.

I was both the best man and the ring bearer as the young princess spreads the white petals across the aisle for her job was the flower girl. The wedding rings are given along with vows..

"Till Death Do Us Part."

They kiss and embrace, we cheer as we all head out of the small court room that afternoon to a grand feast and go trick-or-treating.

I open them as I notice I begun to cry again. I feel like a weak embarrassment as I am a man and my sibling's role model no time to act heart broken. I can't show the pain as to her with all that gleaming glints of admiration I am as strong as Superman.

I quickly hide my eyes behind the sunglasses shade's on reflex trying to keep myself well composed, just enough so that I could make it past the buzzing of family greetings and condolences while walking tall shouldering the attention as I hear the whispering.. almost there.

Tuck and stiffen up the upper lip scoff all of the sorrow off take great strides as you walk dignified with your flimsy pride.. finally there's the door I faked it till I made it to the bathrooms.

I turn the faucet on as I slink further, holding my head under the sink, drips of drops to my liquid emotion fill the small ocean my cranium is within. Beginning to openly cry now as I lift the crown.

I allow the water works to fall as they hit against the shaded lens. Like skid marks across my cheek as the droplet falls past my knee's towards the ground beneath my feet.

I once again see the golden hour as I cower into a ball, knees buckle as my small shield that is my ego crumbles. I wrap the arms around them. I rock back and forth as I picture the sound hearing it be so profound of the noise to our laughter from the past..

Graduation day. I did them proud by passing those classes on time, I managed to work around the mistakes of my foolish youth. I did it, I wasn't left behind.

I stood up straight, walking up to the stage with welling pride and took hold of my prize. The toil of all my troubles, the efforts and those many sleepless nights. looking like a panda in hopes of not being abandoned by the system. Thinner frame from undertaking more than I cared to take.

Placed upon the small hopes I'd gain the credits I needed. I grasp the diploma tight and smile wide whilst flashing the pearly whites for the camera, strike a pose as I begin to see my mother tear up, my father shakes my hand and we all start to head off to eat as I am surprised by my dad and grandma's meeting.

We joke and talk as I carry the confident walk. So crazy to think that he was already ill.. that he was already dying before any of us could manage a shocked gasp.

This all happened too fast..

Yet, we held no clue till we all heard the sickening news. The laughing dies as I hear the tears and sobs, the woes of my family.

I place the shades down, I splash water on my face in an desperate futile attempt to kick the anxiety way, exiting the haven with a solemn frown.

I close my eyes one more time as I see the better years, the brown alive in his iris with the soft yet fierce twinkle of a glimmer of youth despite the age. I think on the smiles on the photographs and his warmth, the hand he rubbed against my back when I feeling glum.

I half expected him to jump up out of his medical bed, to hug me and yet.. it was not so. this isn't some fairytale of a c**k sure paperback novel.. nothing to marvel.

There he is, the twinkle gone as the gaze of his is dark in a bloodshot tone. shaking in tremendous pain as he attempts to call my name. I put up my best figment of a prided grin as I begin to pace with blank thoughts. Observations made. His skin is pale, the skin clung and malnourished to the bone as he's barely got any real body fat nor muscle mass.

Barely able to breathe, fed through the tube as his body just can no longer take solid foods. I see the hair from his already receding mane shortened all due to this illness. There's hardly any left save for a couple loose strands..

I try to remember the last thing he said to me was, as he can hardly talk now. I begin to choke up as I lean in for an embrace, doing so softly but as tight as my bonds let as any movement will hurt him. I lay in his grasp as I feel the shaking hand land across my back.

Still warm in touch..

With that action, that sign of love my pride, my ego, my lies all come undone. I look at him in the face not as the man but the boy with tears coming and going, falling flat all too fast in a flurry of depressed and deeply saddened furry.

I can barely think.. I can barely form a thought on or upon what I could ever possibly say, the pondering as the words I conjure fly by me quickly, twisting as the seconds on the clock trinkle on now in the past.

I remain silent as the hand shakes still across my back, he tries to talk but instead violently coughs. I lay my head down onto his frail chest as I hear the heart beat against the walls rapidly. Fighting and struggling to stay a' light.. to never let this gallant man's flame wilt and die.

I speak.. the words of my own choosing, the only way I could bare to say and the only way I know how to do so. Nothing unique, no long drawn out grandiose speech.

Yes.. indeed the simplest of sentences, yet the only one I truly mean. So I look up one more time before I must leave, head to my safe room to no doubt cry for two lifetimes worth of anguish but before that I must relinquish this sentence.

I hold his hand.. as it sits still in peace monetarily, matching his gaze with my own set of red eyes due to this pain. I take a breath, I open my mouth trying hard to not stumble to give him the words I mean the most.

"I love you..."

Author's Note

I made some revisions but overall this was just made to help cope with the ineveitble consequence that is stage four terminal cancer. I hope this was satisfactory for all of you and till then.