"Self Improvement"

I just want to change for the better

I just don't feel so well ever since high school where I wanted to work myself to the bare bones to change Well at least I'm finally getting back into the swing of things but dear me I must say I feel dreary as if though I took a black and blue beating earlier today all because I want to metamorph and claim checkmate as the fact that old me is out of play and in with the new me I say.

 My body aches and I sometimes stutter out of pain but I hide the trembling shakes by fooling my reasoning into believing it's all an illusion just a figment of what's really happening it's just the brain telling me to take a well earned break but I ain't about to crack to just throw the towel in the fray because I'm afraid of a little pain. 

 That just would make the limit's I kept on passing to seem utterly pointless in the end if I'm just gonna eventually say “Eh I tried at least?” No siree! that isn't what I bent my back backwards for actually taking the time to write down my plan of action on a planner.

 My internal intestinal necessities are a tad diseased or at least so the family tree told me and so I thought if I want to live a well enough life because we're living on borrowed time just in this case mine may be a little more finite than the mortal average.

 I might as well do the things that are the most beneficial for myself physically to make up for the poor functionality that my insides have to hide to think that maybe the saying 

 “it's not what you look like that matters, it's what's inside you that counts.” 

 Well to me in the literal sense that quote makes none to me as my lungs are weak and my heart is too easy to displease. 

 Yet though my breathing is rash and my red organ is pumping one too many beats I want to change so badly that the monumental pain ain't so bad or at least that's what I tell my ever thinking brain.

 Man oh man how many more times will I do what I once thought to be impossible? I don't know for sure but surely I am over the worse as I feel the adrenaline rush in great folds of dopamine. 

That gives me a feel good mood to my feeling making myself somehow like destroying my body to just rest a day or two and go back to step one and so on till step three and then sleep and just repeat yeah it's a messed up cycle all in the name of self improving.

 I feel the change but I am slowly becoming a little lazy because I keep thinking that maybe this is good enough as it is but if I stopped now I don't know when I'll be able to start again.

 I'm not exactly drowning myself in motivation so much so that I feel the need to actually attempt to swim.

 Hmmm... come to think of it I don't know how in the first place. 

Well ain't that a disgrace? just a damn shame but in the figurative kind of way oh well I'll save learning that for another day and in the meantime I'll keep testing my limits by ripping my ligaments with these barbell weights for the better or worse I just wanna change.

Reviews

[Mystery]

I love your poems so much. Sometimes they speak to me and I forget all of my pains because I know that someone understands them. The line " I'm not exactly drowning myself in motivation so much so that I feel the need to actually attempt to swim."
Makes me fel so much emotion because I feel as tho I'm trying to survive more in this world than anything.

[Sir_Anonymous]

Thank you for the kind words and it does indeed help to know you're not the only one facing conflict in their lives and that was my favorite sentence that I wrote, glad to see it held a message to you as it does for me.

Sincerely, Sir_Anonymous