Deception

Your eyes are beautiful she tells me. They are so warm and deep. My face is smiling but my eyes seldom do. Heavy and steady they stare blankly without judgement. They simply take in what they see. It's not what I have physically seen that keeps my eyes in a transfixed state of love hate and confusion, but what I have seen our existence to be through my perception of our lives.

What are you thinking she asked me? Smiling down on me with her solid black eyes. Just you and me right here, right now. I want to remember you, every curve, every bump. I want to know every part of you. 

I tell myself if I love her like I know I should, maybe I actually will one day. I want to see her happy, I want to be a good boyfriend, I want to be happy. The hard truth of this matter is I don’t love her and I don't think I ever can.

Sure I can make her happy, as I can make anyone else. Sure I can be a good boyfriend, but really i’m not. Can I be happy with her? I don’t know. 

When I am with her I close my eyes and forget about life for a while. It’s as if time stands still, except it doesn’t because she will leave me quicker than I can grab onto her. Always slipping in-between my hands like sand on a windy day. It’s cold and hard weather and I want someone warm to get me through, but I feel Its a burden I must take alone.

I see her, and I smile for no reason, yet when I think of her often I am confused, perhaps I feel regret, I feel work, time lost. Maybe I am jealously unable to commit myself to her. But when my carnal desires take over I want her lips on mine as we attempt to passionately erase the world from existence. 

Perhaps she feels the same way and we are just two broken souls getting through the cold night. Or maybe she is falling in love with something that can never truly love her back, something that looks warm and deep, but is actually colder inside than one could possible conceive.