Origins

Just make them go away

Is there any benefit in knowing, re-living or remembering the person and events who originally destroyed our self-worth, and all the ways those actions have lead to this moment?  How their positions and actions caused us to seek out others who would perpetuate our own destruction in the same ways?

 

I tried to forget, forgive and heal myself, until he smacked me in the head last night.  It shook loose all that old brain matter that I'd so poorly stuffed away. 

 

I was sitting in a bathroom at KU Medical Center on Tuesday while my mom was having shoulder surgery.  There was a sign on the wall that said this:

 

"He doesn't hit me, but the words hurt like physical blows.  I feel like I don't know who I am anymore."

 

It was that latter piece that gave me cause to ponder.  "I don't know who I am anymore."  In that situation, one must have previously known.  I can't say I've ever known - the words began at birth.

 

I know this man who tells me I'm amazing, but that isn't possible because there's really no me.

 

I worked in a building where the toxic mold gave me pneumonia 3 times in 10 years.  I worked without health insurance, vacation, sick leave, holidays, etc.  Before that, there were countless jobs such as draftsman, executive secretary, truck driver and waitress at Denny's.  I supported us, whatever and however, and decently.

 

At the time of my last bout of pneumonia, the Archangel Gabriel made the call.  I left the toxic mold and came here to help my mother through shoulder surgery.  The day before, my father, with Alzheimer's, had to be hospitalized for pneumonia.  Two different hospitals on opposite sides of town, and I'm doing it. 

 

She got out of the hospital several days before him.  He was disoriented, weak, out of his element, but very far from gone.  He spoke lucidly, with words of widsom I'd never heard, nor knew existed.

 

Two people in two different places, but all is possible if arranged right. 

 

My original destroyer of all self-worth stepped in and made it oh so plain that in my lowly state of welfare queen, "the state" was paying me to "take care of it."

 

I immediately turned into nothing.