Customer Service

Yep - it's a complete waste of time, all right!

Oh, hi!  I’m so glad to see my call wasn’t dropped!  I thought I’d been left on hold forever (well, 22 years, but who’s counting).    Is this Customer Service?

 

OK �" well, yes.  This is Amber.  How may I assist you today?

 

Well, Amber.  It’s a long story, but I’ll try to make it short. 

 

You see, God, well, er, the Creator, well, er, the Evolutionary Process Server, forgot to install a few of my body parts. 

 

Yes, OK �" I’ll hold. 

 

(about 20 years passes, then Amber gets back on the phone)

 

OK �" sorry.  Damn blog-dickers!  Where were we? 

 

Well, I was saying that the evolutionary process server forgot to install a few of my body parts. 

 

Oh, that’s right!  I was looking at your file!  Yes, I see what you mean.  The EPS man stated that he gave you a few other things to make up the difference for the body parts that got left off.  Is there a problem?

 

Well, yeah, a little bit.  I mean, I really hate to complain but yeah �" I haven’t really been happy with that arrangement.  Can I reverse that decision and get my deleted body parts instead? 

 

But why?  The EPS man said he gave you some really cool things.  Hmmm, now that I’m looking at your file, you haven’t been using those advantageous items much lately.  Why is that?

 

Well, I used them for quite a while, but they stopped working.  I mean, don’t get me wrong �" they worked well enough a few decades ago, but now, well, I’d just like to have my body parts installed.  Can that be done? 

 

Let me check.

 

(ten years pass)

 

Are you still there?

 

Yep �" still holding.  What did you find out? 

 

Well, the original EPS man is no longer working here, so I had to speak with someone else, and they had to review your file.

 

And?

 

Well, it seems that there was some sort of mix-up back at the beginning and, unfortunately, your warranty has long since expired.  Were you aware of that?

 

No.  I didn’t know there was a warranty in the first place.  I didn’t know it expired. 

 

Well, apparently it has.  However, it’s our goal to keep all our customers satisfied, so we’re willing to work something out with you, in spite of the fact that we aren’t really required.  The current EPS man says we can give you back your piano playing, and we can throw in a few guitar lessons and send you a reconditioned violin.  How does that sound?

 

It’s generous of you �" truly, it is.  But you see, I would really like those body parts that were left out.  I mean, the music was great back in the day �" I enjoyed it.  But I’ve always felt that if I’d just had those missing parts �" well, I really wouldn’t have NEEDED the piano playing or the writing or the social empathy.  I could have even got by without the alcohol if I’d just had those missing parts!  Please �" can it be done? 

 

I’m sorry, but the decisions of the EPS office are final.  We’ll be submitting those updates to your email address and they should be available to download within the next 30 minutes or so.  Is there anything else I can do for you?

 

YES �" Please!  I don’t want those updates!  I’d like to speak with a supervisor about getting my missing body parts.  I want to speak with a supervisor!

 

(a short hold this time �" Amber gets back on the line)

 

Ma’am, I spoke with the current EPS supervisor, and he stated that your request is quite impossible.  You see, it simply can’t be done.  Those parts have been out of stock for years.  Why, we can’t even order them online!

 

There’s no one here you can blow in order to get those parts, so don’t even ask! 

 

(I knew she’d get around to that eventually �" I mean, I WAS going to ask, at least!)

 

OK �" well, I’m sorry to have taken your time.  And forget about those downloads �" I’m really not interested anymore.