Naive

My husband was/is a sex addict.  I don't know what anyone thinks that might mean, but it means that as his wife, he had no interest in me sexually, and that was my fault. 

No need to recount all the craziness, but this particular scene has crept into my consciousness recently.  Sometime in the late 70's/early 80's, there was a famous porn star named Marilyn Chambers.  Back then, before the days of the internet, home computers, VHS players et al, one needed to go to an adult movie theater to watch porn.  My husband convinced me that his ex-wife loved going with him to the porn theaters, and in my vast uncertainty about myself, I thought it was necessary that I do the same.  I later found out from her that she never did any such thing, but I was naive about what a lying sack of s**t he was. 

There was a premier of one of Marilyn Chambers' movies with a guest appearance in the lobby by Marilyn herself.  A queue had formed on the street, along with a group of protestors from a local AME church.  As the protestors approached us, I tried to make myself very small and insignificant, which was the way I thought of myself in general.  I was afraid in the same way I had been when asked to speak in front of the class as a child.  I actually dropped out of college because I couldn't make it through the prerequisite speech class.  I had a mortal fear of being put in the spotlight, but that's another story.

A protestor approached my husband and asked him, "Is this your woman?", pointing at me.  In his normal, condescending way of speaking to most people, he begrudgingly said that I was.  The protestor said something along the lines of, "She's a fine woman!  Why are you bringing her to see some skinny naked stripper in this vile place?  What's Marilyn got that your fine woman don't?" 

My husband pushed me to the forefront so everyone could see and here the conversation at that point.  He made himself as big as possible and hovered over the protestor, saying "Look at her!  Take a hard look at her and ask me that again!"  He could make himself very intimidating when he wanted to, and the protestor moved along, followed by a wave of whispers and nervous giggling.  We eventually made it inside, where he had a picture taken with his arm around naked Marilyn. 

At that time, I was 24 years old, with bright red hair down to my waist.  I wore a size 34D bra and was 5'2" at 105 pounds.  I did 150 sit-ups a day, in addition to weight-lifting and assorted other exercises designed to make me look good.  None of that was worth anything because I could never be worth anything in my husband's eyes.

That's all I can say without falling apart in a heap on the floor.

Reviews

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

This is a very heartbreaking and honest story. I can't even begin to imagine the things you have gone through with a person who was an addict. But to suffer from low self esteem and shame from no fault of your own just says so much. To survive that behavior and treatment speaks of how strong a person you are inside and to speak of it only reinforces how powerful a woman you truly are. Keep writing your truth because it will touch the heart of others who may be struggling through similar issues as well, and they will find strength and comfort in your words because they know they are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story.