Nothing Incarnate's Voice

I've been dealing with a depression that has never lifted since teenagehood. I remain unhappy, but I am not alone. Everyone feels like nothing sometimes. In that way, we are, united.

Nothing Incarnate’s Voice

 

Why am I so unhappy, what went wrong

Why am I so unhappy?

Is there something I could have done?

All these people walk around while they mean something

I’m already gone

But can you truly grasp nothing?

Can you care for a person that isn’t there?

I am that person

I am nothing

I mean nothing

I amount to nothing

I am nothing

No one will care for me

No one could love me

That’s the way that it is, that’s the way that it’s been

And people think it’s what I deserve

I don’t know what to think

I begin to agree

They drink up my ability to write poetry and now I know nothing

I drown out the world outside and I hear nothing

I live for nothing

I grieved for nothing

Diseased to nothing until the very words I breathed are nothing

Humans do not understand human suffering

I wish I was more than nothing, but I don’t have a choice

I wish I was something, but I don’t have a voice

I hear myself speak and it sounds like silence

I feel like a virus

The tears fall from my iris, with the blinks of my eyelids

The wild fury I have when I’m mad and filled with self-pity is bitter and s****y

If this was a fight it would be a knockout, these punches in my gut keep hitting, there is no winning

Living is everything that I am, footprints fading in the sand demand to plan my rise to existence

Persist in my enlistment, gripping onto some semblance of hope, doped up on my anti-psychotics, I feel robotic, heartless, broke

Honestly, I feel like nothing but a tin man, an A.I in a beer can, buzzed off my only solution to insanity; the drugs

Under the rug of my outside demeanour I feel like I need carpet cleaner, I’m moth-eaten, littered with rat feces

Retreated inside the safety of my warm wool blanket,  the voice says

cold f****t get the maggots off your heart and restart this trainwreck learn some self-respect, neck and neck with your own neglect, your worthless

My voice, my chosen torturer inside the mind behind the lines between lies, life and reality tells me

I love you, but not for your mistakes, you did not pass the test of humanity, humility, fertility, you are virtuelessly unforgiving, so burn with me courteously with the flirtatious miseries inside of your being

I hate myself, the real people hate me too, my fate is failure, a mistake is the only fable still available to read on the tracks of the railroad into a maelstrom of aliments effortlessly disappearing into the zoo of nothingness

I can hide behind my lies, talk my hard words, rhyme tales with my life on the line and continue walking forward all awkward into the righteous noose of tomorrow like a coward, it doesn’t ask for my spirit, my little secret

Or maybe I’ll just disappear into memory, dismember me and call me divided, severed by my own feelings, you cannot kill me, I must die nobly, and lie openly, to the only people who listen, christened unholy, lowly, lonely, only what they made me

The demon in my heart caresses my mind with schizophrenic melodies, and picture perfect enemies to pretend to stand against

I am a human labeled a monster, the world is dishonest, get over it bonehead

Nothing incarnate speaks, the voice inside of me tells me I was a monster to begin with, there is no saving me

Nothing incarnate speaks, and says I am just as unneeded as him

Exploding in my eroding mind, sodomizing the decoded cries of a man who was half what he wanted to be, half alive, treated twice as nasty as the disease upon his mind

Nothing incarnate bleeds the leftovers of the left behind, pleading for divinity to sanctify the emptiness of our being into a something with a reason, we are blind believers

Is there something I could have done? Bring me into the warm embrace of my own blood

Why am I so unhappy? You cannot kill sadness, it grows like a weed, it will continue to feed until it bleeds me dry in the madness, ravaged and fucked from the start you were nothing on the inside

I didn’t ask to be so weak, I didn’t ask for laughter to erupt from me when I was pushed too far

I didn’t ask to smile so savagely, but it was nothing.

I am nothing after all, so when nothing fights back, I suppose you lost yourself too

After all, if I was to be nothing, do I need anyone else? The dark depression within me gives me hicky’s and speaks thickly

You cannot kill something this sickly

Nothing cannot be killed, nothing was there to begin with, and nothing will be there at the end

Nothing will always be here, and nothing will never be there for you

You cannot kill what isn’t a something, nothing but myself can be eternal

Safe from the infernal, alone I feel virtual, universal, within the salt circle, crippled with no need to walk, an unreversible rehearsal of the orchestra of open broken jaws that lead you nowhere 

To existing with no need for thoughts, to rot, forgotten

I am happy, what changed? Unnamed planewalker?

I enjoy the torture, insanity, I enjoy the pain, the nothingness, the stalker chained, vanity of humanity, maimed

I exclaim forget about the last of me, catastrophe, castrate me

For I was only but a shadow that was swallowed by the shade, joyfully unafraid I fade away in front of the empty world ahead of me, free to remain not anything

Author's Note

I very seldom reply to reviews, but I promise I read EVERY single one. I look forward to my next review because it helps me learn. Even if it's just one word, I promise, I will be ecstatic to have the chance to hear what you have to say. Whenever you write something about my poems, or the themes of my poems, or criticize me it is not in vain. I will listen, learn and be thankful.

Reviews

[.]

First of all I am happy for you have found a great way to release your stress and overcome your depression. We generally look out for some miracle in bad times and get more sad because it doesn't happens actually. So really proud of you ...the way you get out of it each time. 👍😊
Then coming back to the poem, I love the way you question to yourself... Discussion...then justify things in your way and come out into a conclusion. I like the way you describe things.

I always wait anxiously for your new poems when I see a read request I always wish that it should your poem. So really thankful for you always want to share your poems with me.
Good Luck!... so that I can keep reading all the new poems you write. 😊

Thank You!

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

When I read your reviews it brings a smile to my face, I've always been impressed by your ability to grow as a writer. Your quite good, one day you could be legendary. Thank you for reviewing my work, as always, I feel honored.

[.]

I am glad...
I want to ask, would you mind if I mention this poem on a website? I would ask more through a message if you agree.

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

For sure. Just let me know the details and I'd be happy to.

[wordman]

somebody cares,somebody nurtured you through life
i`m sure you have many if you just look around

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

I have had that feeling as well, but sometimes it feels like regardless, you've lost yourself, like you no longer matter the way you did to them. People have cared for me, but at the moment, I feel lonely, and sometimes, I feel like nothing at all.

Thank you for the review, I'll try to stay smirking at my situation, rather than letting it get to me. Holding my head high

[wordman]

that`s the way to do it