Eleven 'Till Six

You stole my heart and

I never asked for it back.

I allowed you to keep it

and now you're just as damned

as I am.

Don't you dare

and curse me with those

words that focus upon the stars.

Are you feeling restless?

Don't reply.

I go against thee.

I dream of your cries.

In my mind, I'm provided a glimpse.

But I won’t tell you,

Because they are all mine.

And that's divine.

That's enough, so

Don't touch and torture

Me with dancing lies.

Reviews

[Jes' Pi]

Hello.

I enjoy your poem for it has an essence I like, a pure dark and dark pure essence, that paints a harmonious contrast between two (metaphorically) different persons that are, in reality, the same. Further, it typifies the darkened vision of someone's opinion on love, an inner voice. That inner voice is an echo of desperation and adust remains, blaming the one who stole the heart (center of love) getting cursed by it, falling in love too. As a spectral reflection, the one who stole reflected the bitter vices of the heart, trying to curse its owner, where we can see how the former owner was affected by this center of love. The inner voice tells that it has been through the new owner's thoughts, knowing the divine disaster, understanding. A glimpse. The inner voice keeps lying about the worthy elements the heart has, hypnotizing the new owner, letting him/her believe in the chalky power of love.

In short, the poesy summarizes the displeasures of love, its chains, its locks, desperation and a cosmic divinity that controls the edges of the mentioned sensations.

I urge you to invent your own words for when you want to describe something and don't know how (it is poetry, you can simply juggle with those figures of speech). For example, " dancing lies", "dancing" is a very used adjective in poetry. I'm not telling you that it isn't good or that you shouldn't use it, but I would love to see writers inventing their own language, their own way to express the soul.

About grammar mistakes:
"And that's devine."--->" And that's divine."

Concluding, the idea of the poem is well-expressed, the title is well-chosen and it is melodious. As one more advice, I propose you to use a more poetic language, poetic words, for it will soak the poesy in a perfect disaster of meaning and art.

I was really glad to read your poem and I hope you didn't take anything I said personal because my opinion is humble. Until next time...Farewell!

[sinNsincerity]

No offense taken, I always welcome opinions and different points of views. That's how we learn, and I'm still learning. But I did intend for this poem to be straight forward in it's language. I'm very well versed in using figurative language and metaphors, but I did write this to be a straight shooter. If you would love to read me being more playful with language and being more expressive or more poetic, I would refer you to these poems of mine:

http://www.writerscafe.org/SininSincerity/writing/

My Crow
Vdara
Zoems
Wonder Lust
Ten Seconds...
Supermarket Heart
Never Gonna Tell a Soul
Eardrum
Fallen in Autumn
Writers's Cafe'
Island Bonfire
Eye of W***e-Us VS Osiris
Glory
UnModern Art
Forget My Face
Rain of My Lord
Check it Out- Hear Me Out- Check Out
Rum is for Drinking not Burning
Bankrupt
Attitude Stars Dilute
Gothic Love Spit
(My 6 to My 9) ONE
3 = 1 for Me
A Tossed Love Potion
Bacon
Coalesce
Cosmic Romantics
Eros
Dandelions
deifitroM
Deleted Scenes
Drive in Theatre
Give Me a Hour
Goldilocks
Happiness is...
Hershey's Kiss and Bliss
Hey You!
Hold Your Ticket
Hopeless Romantic
How Bad is Bad?
Learning Curve
Life or Death???
Love Handles
Make a Wish
Marsh-Mellowed Moans
Mental Tattoos
Morning Delight
Much More
My Cent-Say
My Dream
My Eyes
Ninth Grade
Oh How I Wonder
Phantoms
Quasimodo
Quite Acquainted
Queen of Gotham
Shape Shifted
Sincerity
This Time
The Day Ends as it Began
The Dead Zone
The Haunted Consciousness
The Ms. who Missed Mr. Mystery
The Unmade Bed
There is no Perfect One
Untittled
Vacancy
Whiplash
Who's this?
Wishful Truth
You Took the Time



Always a pleasure Jes' Pi.
-David.

[Jes' Pi]

I"ll Look for them.
Thank you.

[sinNsincerity]

I did very much enjoy your initial analysis though. I love the insight that you had brought forth.

[Jes' Pi]

thank you very much

[John the Baptist]

Ah, the joys of romantic love!

[Tiffany K Charles]

I felt as though you were trying to find a rhythm in the beginning; however, you were able to manage and thus the poem ended like most. Sad and hopeful. I enjoyed the read very much. I'm going through other writes as well. Keep it up

[sinNsincerity]

I'm a sad cat Tiff.
How have you been? It has been a while.

[LKBillips]

Great flow, striking topic. Very relatable. Nice work!

[AYVID N]

In strong words, you capture the damned fate of love. I often cannot understand why we even call 'it' love when it inevitably falls into the same rut of negativity. Must be something to do with the resilient human spirit. I enjoyed this poem a lot. Thanks for sharing.

[sinNsincerity]

Because God is love. To know God is to know love, and I keep falling inlove with women who don't know that.

[Norbanus]

New love, it's said, can lead a fool astray
while waiting as the Moths carouse and play
Take care of old love's getting in the way
those moth holes might let in the light of day

Reflections from the world of dreams he's found,
leave passions unfulfilled as barren dust.
Have I not left a morsel to renown?
She needs not praise, but needs a smile of trust

The search for love turns every lonely rock
chasing notions here and there and when
The questions pique the interest of the flock
then shakes down all those yesterdays again

[sinNsincerity]

Quite Acquainted

Make me feel so good...

No favors

Por favor-

It's all about the love ain't it

Visions of you naked

While I guzzle on the

Minds of the ancients

Don't contemplate

Just be great

Full

But I'm so full

And fed up with all your bull

Sipping on God’s blessings

But the devil has me

In a drunken stupor

When I dive into

Hot springs

Then I spring out

No clouds

Just clear tears veered

When you nearly gazed

Right through these red eyes

Did you fear when you revered

The silk and shear?

Attain it

Don't blame him

Blame me!

Tag,







(YOUR IT)

[richieb]

I think this is one of your finest writes. You always go deep, which I admire, but sometimes I get lost in your words. I was able to follow your emotions and felt understanding in your poem. I can see growth and maturity in your writing.
Peace,
Richie b.

[sinNsincerity]

Thanks Rich, I try to please everyone.
Always a pleasure!

[Tattiana]

This piece is so deep. So much feeling you put into it. And very relatable.

[sinNsincerity]

I have a lot of feelings...

[Mikku]

Hatred is the aftermath of betrayal.... Very well written.... Loved it

[Tionge Rosalie Johnson]

The rhyme in your poem is suburb! I wish I could rhyme like that. I love the flow of it as well, and the subtle message behind it regarding letting a toxic loved one go. It says a lot while keeping it subtle and I love that about your piece.

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you Tionge, it is always a pleasure to hear from you. And I promise you, I wasn't always so good at it. I worked hard at it day in and day out and searched deep down inside to find my inner voices. And now it just comes naturally.

[Diane]

Beautiful pain. That was the first thing that came to mind. Well done.

[sinNsincerity]

...well...