lots of angles addressed in this poem...i read some of the comments on flow and see how it seems so jagged ... there are many points vying for attention .. and the language switches back and forth form a very colloquial style to more classic ..such as "partake" of the flesh and the exodus in bed .. especially that being the condition held for your protagonist to allow a lover into his heart .. very conflicting ... and "mote" ... for me these change ups really make me think...and read again ... i like your closing two lines especially ...such great pain ... no matter how small it may seem to others is the way i take that ... obviously this poem hooked me ;) it is very different
E.
It's a decent idea, but the piece has some flow problems. The rhythm isn't there for me. I read it three or four times, but it still seemed to mesh unevenly. I could rationalize that, given the subject of the piece, the breaks in flow could represent the uneven feelings of heartbreak, or betrayal, but there's just something missing. Experimentation is great to improve your own skills, but this doesn't read like it's finished. Take all of this with a grain of salt, of course. Happy writing, Sin.
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Is that salt iodized? Haha
No worries, I love when people give me their honest opinion. Some.. read moreIs that salt iodized? Haha
No worries, I love when people give me their honest opinion. Somethings resonate and some don't. I've sit on so many poems for such a long time because I know people don't look at them the same way that I do. But when I do release it, I don't want people to try to figure out what I'm saying. Especially my next poem imma bout to drop. A lot of things will fly right over people's head. I would rather love to hear how the poem made them felt. I just do my best to think outside of the box with each poem. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't I guess. Eaither way, this all I do and all that I got and I chose to give it to you guys for free when I could have been making money off it. I've been saving money to start my money to create my own publishing. But who knows, maybe one day I'll say f**k it and sell out. I would just like to know that people appreciate my poems. Either way, I won't stop creating art.
The poem is ok. But you can do better. You have better poems people can read. I didn't like the part with the virginity thing haha. Maybe you can Find a better way to express it? Maybe a methapor?
My favorite part was:
I throw it all away for Love.
If I don't throw it all away,
...
I'm sure you can do better! Don't fall!
Posted 7 Years Ago
7 Years Ago
What if I told you that I don't believe any of my poems are great and my writing still isn't where I.. read moreWhat if I told you that I don't believe any of my poems are great and my writing still isn't where I want it to be. I've only been doing this since 2012, and I'm still reading and studying literature everyday. All my writing is experimental, and I never know where the poem is going or where it will end... I just the spirits guide me and everything just falls inplace.
Well, work hard! Working is the key of success! Sometimes we fall and sometimes we rise up! My work .. read moreWell, work hard! Working is the key of success! Sometimes we fall and sometimes we rise up! My work isn't the best too, but I will try to make it the best. And you can do that too! Good luck! :)
7 Years Ago
I'm already successful. I've turned down publishing offers except for one and I left that. They don'.. read moreI'm already successful. I've turned down publishing offers except for one and I left that. They don't care about the art. They just want money. I could anything else if all I wanted was money.
7 Years Ago
Well, write for you, and then for others. There is not a limit when it'a about being the best. You c.. read moreWell, write for you, and then for others. There is not a limit when it'a about being the best. You can always become better.
We like to hang on to what is already gone from our lives - it causes us to suffer and in turn causes those around us to suffer because of it - in allowing one relationship to dissipate back into the folds of the universe we are able to greet new ones with new lessons learnt with fresh eyes ... the key is though, we gotta first learn how to let go, otherwise we may never see the beauty right underneath our noses.