Attitude Stars Dilute

Tobacco soul,

You should see my heart...

But I wasn't always this way,

You should've seen me from the start...

Blackened to the hole

Like the sadness of an

Empty cereal bowl.

Pitch dark,

Stuck on a pitchfork.

I needed a spoon when I

Reached for the sky,

But I was handed

A cratered moon.

That's my Wiffle-ball

Of a heart...

I was disciplined

Before I had a chance

To speak with you.

I Sin in stark-

And that's Sincere.

Cancerous Capricorn,

You should see her horns.

So let's venture-

To the stars...

My Starkiller*

Be careful,

Because here,

There is no start...

Just our end,

So just stay there.

Right where I can stare.

Right where?

Right where your mind is bare.

Right where?

Right where you don't care.

Right where..?

Reviews

[Nicole Laszlo]

The imagery was brilliant and at some points, perhaps, over my head? "Tobacco soul"? Addictive soul? It's all I can imagine. It speaks to me of a very early pain and in turn an appreciation for what is raw. The ending was unique and really complimented the entire thing well. Good job, Mr. Sincerity ;)

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you Nicole, I wrote tobacco soul as to say how black it is, but an addictive one can fit just as well.

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Ah the empty cereal bowl, a sad sight and sorrowful meaning, well done, good read.

[sinNsincerity]

Blueberry Tinny Toast!!!

[Muskaan Madan]

This is beautiful. Especially the repetition in the end and the way you close the poem.

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you, and I am very pleased that you enjoyed it.
-David

[wordman]

right where you start,right where we end,right where ? lovely words my friend

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you Ron!

[Lauren_The_Awesome]

The flow of the poem made me expect more especially at the ending. Very good imagery. Can feel the sadness that is spoken through the words. Very good job :)

[sinNsincerity]

I'm such a tease when it comes to building something up and then leaving it there or pulling it away.
Sadness is a killer.

[Lauren_The_Awesome]

Oh and yes sadness is

[samparks,sam]

nice words express good feelings

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you!

[Cara]

its amazing, i loved it
thank you for sharing

[sinNsincerity]

A pleasure Cara, I'm glad that you did.

[guy drori]

I liked the last two lines - "Right where you don't care. Right where?" Strong ending. Moreover I think you devided the lines in a way that really allowed the poem to flow in a natural manner.

[sinNsincerity]

Thank Guy, I do my best to keep the poem as pure as my mind sees it before the thoughts are gone...

[gentlekindness]

I really like this. It has a mind bending feel to it.
Thought fractions and glimpses of feelings.
Great writing.

[sinNsincerity]

I like how you'd put that together.

[Mikael Malmberg]

Reads almost like a song. My favourite portion was the ending, where you use repetition to great effect with "Right where?" to create a bittersweet mood.

There are other stand-out moments as well. Some words stand out a lot, being more pedestrian than the words around them, such as "Wiffle-ball", "empty cereal bowl". Also small mistake in the beginning, "aways..." should be "always".

[sinNsincerity]

Hehe, Thanks for catching that, I'm pretty stoned.
Um yea, I don't intend for it to read as a song, but the word choice was specifically chosen for it to sound pleasing to the mind and the juxtapose them as well.

[Mikael Malmberg]

I did wonder about that when I read this, yeah. It's a mystery why more of your writing here hasn't been reviewed.

[sinNsincerity]

I believe it's because it's way out there and some people don't spend the time to dwell on them, but i don't write for reviews... I do it for you guys.