My Cent-Say

Let's not tell it all tonight hon...

Let's save some.

We have to make this last as long as we can.

It won't last forever.

Things break easily now.

Everything is made in China.

True love is only a spark-

A white dwarf to supernova

A bee sting

A kite breaking free

It won't last forever hon,

So let's make THIS last.

Atlas

I lay your love on my back

Heart artifacts

Giving the

Future and Ancients

Heart attacks

Because they are not here.

Resting the deepness

Of secrets in the

Far end of the west

Here is where I hold you up

My Phoebe

My Lunar

My Third Eye

Reviews

[Marianne Rose]

I like the beginning- let's not tell all, make it last, as well as love laid on your back, and the expressions of love being like a spark- great visual images to communicate that. Got a little lost with the phrasing about giving the ancients heart attacks because they are not here. But back with you in the secrets, the west, holding you up . . . The simplicity of the first part - something I relate to in saving something for later- was the part that drew me in and helped me know your intent. When you move to the ancients I feel far away from you. Perhaps that is what it is like- closer-farther-closer - in those early days of discovery. Thanks for a thought-provoking read.

[sinNsincerity]

Sorry about that confusion. The love I'm describing between me and a once loved one is so great that only the two of us could comprehend it at the time being, while the outside world would not until that time was no more... placing them in a different realm in a sense.
I've been leaning a lot about juxtaposition by setting things up one way and then switching away from that to make the reader think, " what the hell is going on?" It's fun for me to make people really give some thought into what they are reading.

[Marianne Rose]

Ah, yes, I did feel it was intentional- the shift that made me stop and think- and the idea that the outside world could not grasp what you shared. Thanks for clarifying- and for the twists that had me pondering your meaning.

[Asya Kardzhaliyska]

I love the simplicity of this piece, and there's beautiful lines as well! I feel like in the latter half, it seems to lose it's way a little bit, so I'd have another look over it and make sure that it flows in the same way as the rest of it, but that's just a minor thing!

[richieb]

sinNsincerity,
This ended up being two writes for me. I was totally engrossed in" trying to make love last" and then I was in the middle of a machine gun rap. Both are well penned and could stand alone.
I know you like to shift gears, but sometimes for me the transfer throws me. I do enjoy reading your work.
Peace,
Richie b.

[Hebe]

This is a wonderful piece of writing
Things break easily now.
Everything is made in China
my favorite line... I feel that hesitation in exposing your feelings, but the passion can't be restrained :)

[Cat]

I absolutely am in love with the flow and beat of this piece. As if every line complimented its preceding one and the next. Beautiful piece overall :)

[Rynn]

"Let's not tell it all tonight hon...
Let's save some." - makes me think of a bedtime story of sorts. I like the tone in the opening.

"We have to make this last as long as we can.
It won't last forever." - here, I like what you're saying, but felt that you could shorten it a little or find a different way to say it so you aren't repeating 'last' so often. It becomes detrimental to the fluency of the piece when reading it aloud.

"Things break easily now.
Everything is made in China." - I thought these lines were fantastic. So very true.

"True love is only a spark-
A white dwarf to supernova
A bee sting
A kite breaking free
It won't last forever hon,
So let's make THIS last." - I like the comparisons you make here, it didn't feel cliche at all, and read very nicely.

"Atlas
I lay your love on my back
Heart artifacts
Giving the
Future and Ancients
Heart attacks" - This reads really well, your word choice rolls easily off the tongue.

"Because they are not here.
Resting the deepness
Of secrets in the
Far end of the west" - The way you sway from one idea to the next really drives me into this piece. Keeps me reading and wondering where we're going next. Well done.

"Here is where I hold you up
My Phoebe
My Lunar
My Third Eye" - Way to avoid the cliche's that often come with writing poems about love and relationships. I found this piece to be very - almost logical. Very level headed but still very whimsical in the way you've described things.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this, the only thing that I would ask if whether capitalizing each line was intentional. Making each line a new sentence, I think, takes away from your fluency. I would urge you to really spend some time thinking about how you want the reader to interpret or read this piece. How you want the sentence structure to flow.

[KT-B]

sadly so true, some moments are so fleeting no matter how much you wish to hold on to it.... well done, good job :)

[Paul Bell]

Spot on with never buy Chinese tools. To late now, the house has gone. Love i suppose can be many things. If only life just didn't get in the way of it. It might last longer.

[CherryEllie]

nice. well written. veyr true, things never last. i liked it!

[Dr. YumnaKay]

The made in China logic is so good. We find ways to put the blame on something when things don't work our way lol
This was hilarious to read. Good write :)

[mercy party]

you are well traveled in your words, this was written like a king!

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you Mercy, I appreciate that.