Mental Tattoos

I woke up, 

but I didn’t see you ‘till I day dreamed.

So I went to bed to only find out that you have left me.

Good grief, 

but I won’t find anyone grieving for me.

What a loss, 

but the time well spent was well worth the cost.

I would love to say that you are the one I have forgotten, 

but truly you are the reason for believing my heart will remain rotten.

My soul still remains white as cotton, 

but that won’t stop the picking of my thoughts which are plotting.

I think way too much and that’s my cancer.

Why such?

Such not that I’m needing answers, 

but just a moment of her time just so that I can be familiar with her unknown.

There’s no use for a clone because she is way too real.

And if we must remain separate, 

I’ll go ahead and assume that it was too soon while I enjoy this Blue Moon.

I need some space from me because all I can think of is her face and the grab of her waist.

I find myself writing about her even though she told me not to waste my imagination on her, 

but it’s hard not to when all that remains are mental tattoos.

Reviews

[Poetic License]

This left me breathless. I absolutely love your turn of phrase and your word choice is impeccable. I literally had gooseflesh by the time I read your final line. It shot straight through me.

"...when all that remains are mental tattoos."

I am so fascinated by this offering - the permanency on our hearts and souls of the imprint of someone else. Laser removal doesn't quite measure up in the matters of heart and love. I adore the manner in which you captured that. A passing train of thought ending at bone chilling station of realization and acceptance.

So, so well done. You truly are a master of expression.

[Erika]

All I can say is, "Well Done". The flow, the visual descriptors...the term "mental tattoo", brilliant and so true.

[ReedWrite]

I like the concept of a mental tattoo...imprinting itself on us in ink that will never fade of leave us. Nicely done.

[Giulia King]

"but it’s hard not to when all that remains are mental tattoos." So many great lines here. Truly an amazing poem!

[Asya Kardzhaliyska]

I like the flow of this piece, and the longing for someone that you can't have. My only suggestion would be with this line: "but just a moment of her time just so that I can be familiar with her unknown." You use the word just twice in the same line, so I'd recommend using a different word so that it doesn't disrupt the flow of the rest of the line.

[Tashida]

After I read this, I was actually speechless. Like, for real, I don't even know what to say. As usual, I can feel the emotion in your words. I feel the longing, the sadness. Your poems always take me on a rollercoaster of emotions. (takes out a kleenex *sniff sniff*) Ok I'm sorry i'm just caught up in my emotions... Ok i'm through.
Again, I loved it. I'd expect nothing less from you :)

[Hebe]

This was just heart-stirring writing, what an amazing way you described the mental tattoos, there are so many lines that everyone can relate to.... this is going into my library ! Stunning.

[danielle.]

I like this, I like the loose rymes & the concept & the honesty.

[Rynn]

"I woke up,
but I didn’t see you ‘till I day dreamed." - nice opening

"So I went to bed to only find out that you have left me.
Good grief,
but I won’t find anyone grieving for me." - interesting shift in tone, I would suggest taking another look at the structure of the first sentence.

"What a loss,
but the time well spent was well worth the cost.
I would love to say that you are the one I have forgotten,
but truly you are the reason for believing my heart will remain rotten." - an interesting go at playing on words, I would caution you against using rhyme scheme. Especially in only one portion of the piece. My rule of thumb is - it's either all okay, or none of it is ok. It's distracting, to me at least, to suddenly switch gears.

"My soul still remains white as cotton,
but that won’t stop the picking of my thoughts which are plotting." - I found the similes here to be a tad cliche, again substituting better words for one's that rhyme - for the sole purpose of them rhyming does not further the intent of the piece.

"Why such?
Such not that I’m needing answers,
but just a moment of her time just so that I can be familiar with her unknown.
There’s no use for a clone because she is way too real." - a major tone change here, as well as the rhythm of the rhyme goes. It was a tad jarring.

"And if we must remain separate,
I’ll go ahead and assume that it was too soon while I enjoy this Blue Moon." - Another change in rhythm. I'm confused as to how you intended this to read aloud. "Blue moon" should not be capitalized unless I am missing a reference to something.

"I need some space from me because all I can think of is her face and the grab of her waist." - I would suggest some structure changes here, word order and such. I cannot decide if the narrator loves this girl because of her demeanor or simply because she's beautiful.

"I find myself writing about her even though she told me not to waste my imagination on her," - By far the best line in the piece. Beautiful.

"but it’s hard not to when all that remains are mental tattoos." - I would suggest elaborating on this idea more. You're comparing memories to tattoos but how are they similar?

Overall, with some edits, you have an interesting and thought provoking piece. Well done, Write on.

-Rynn

[Coyote Poetry]

I do understand this poem my friend.
"I find myself writing about her even though she told me not to waste my imagination on her,
but it’s hard not to when all that remains are mental tattoos."
Those mental tattoos stay with us and because our muses in old age. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote